Making Her Way Home. Janice Johnson Kay
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he wanted. What seemed like hours later, she was still wondering.
* * *
BETH DID SLEEP AFTER DETECTIVE Ryan left her, even though she hadn’t thought she could. But she woke only after a few hours had passed, and lay frozen in her bed. All she could think about was Sicily. Where was she? What could have happened? And in only half an hour?
Oh, God, Rachel, you shouldn’t have trusted me. Why did you? she all but begged, but there wasn’t any answer. And she knew, anyway—Rachel’s friends weren’t the kind of people you trusted with your ten-year-old daughter, and her worst nightmare would have been for Sicily to live with her grandparents. Rachel hadn’t actually trusted Beth at all. It was only that there wasn’t anyone else.
This wasn’t what Rachel would have feared, though, if her last thoughts when she went over the ferry railing had been of her child.
But then Beth felt a burst of anger. Wasn’t abandonment as bad as abuse? How could Rachel have done that? Sicily needed her mother.
Lying in bed shuddering, Beth almost hated her sister now. But she couldn’t, because Rachel’s problems were her fault.
I could have rescued her, but I was selfish.
In the end, that’s what it came down to, didn’t it? No matter how apprehensive Beth was about suddenly having a child depending on her, there’d never been any real choice.
Ever since Beth had left home, she’d been torn by guilt. She couldn’t live under the burden of more. Maybe the person Sicily really needed was her mother, but she couldn’t have her. What she had was Beth.
And look how quickly she’d failed her.
If only I hadn’t fallen asleep.
As exhausted as she was, she struggled against it now. It was wrong that she was cozy in her own bed when Sicily was…wherever she was. Her sin was sleep. Closing her eyes and succumbing to it now felt like another betrayal.
She should have hidden and not let the detective find her at the park. She’d meant to stay, even though her rational side knew how fragile the hope was that Sicily was actually there and alive. Beth didn’t want to think he was right, that Sicily had been kidnapped or even murdered, but the terror pulsing in her agreed. Someone had taken Sicily.
As unrelenting as a sheepdog snapping at her heels, her mind spun through all the reasons someone might have wanted Sicily. Over and over and over.
* * *
THE SOUND OF THE ALARM JOLTED Beth awake. She was shocked to realize she’d slept after all.
She took a hurried shower and then, queasy and not at all hungry, still made herself sit down with coffee and a toasted bagel slathered with peanut butter. The detective was right. She did have to eat if she was going to stay strong enough to help find Sicily.
She was trying not to think about him. He was ally and enemy both. No, that wasn’t right—he’s Sicily’s ally, and my enemy, she realized. She hated him and feared him and needed him all at the same time. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling.
At exactly 7:30 a.m., her doorbell rang. As promised, he was here to pick her up.
She’d half hoped he would look different to her this morning. Less dominant, less sexy, less appealing. Or maybe his eyes would have softened and she’d realize that his hostility and suspicion had all been in her head.
But there he stood on her doorstep, exactly the same. Instead of yesterday’s slacks and wrinkled white shirt, he wore jeans, running shoes and a heavy sweater over a T-shirt. The sweater made his shoulders look even broader.
His face had not softened. His eyes, sharp and clear, assessed her, but she couldn’t read any emotion in them at all.
“You’re ready?”
“Yes.” She let herself out and locked the front door, dropping the keys in the tote bag that already held her wallet, phone and a bottle of water.
Once they were in his SUV and backing out, he said, “I hope you got some sleep.”
“A little.” She hesitated. “It’s my fault you didn’t get much. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t need much.”
She nodded even though he wasn’t looking. After a minute she said, “You haven’t heard anything?” even though of course he’d have told her if he had.
“No.”
After that she looked out the side window, clenching the seat belt in one hand where it crossed her chest, and didn’t say a word. Neither did Detective Ryan. The entire drive passed in silence.
There were already other vehicles in the picnic area parking lot.
“Good, they’ve gotten started,” he said, and she realized he meant the volunteers who’d spent yesterday searching.
“Where can they look that they didn’t already yesterday?”
He shot her a glance she couldn’t read. “Some of the park is old growth forest with no trails. There’s also wooded acreage, pasture and beach outside the park boundary.”
“Why didn’t you issue an Amber Alert yesterday?”
His stare was cold. “Because the reasonable first assumption was that your niece was lost. Lost kids are a regular occurrence. The word will be out now, for what good it does this long after she went missing.”
The moment he braked in the parking slot, she unbuckled her seat belt and got out. He did the same, circling to her and nodding toward her car.
“You know, nothing’s to be gained by you staying. We can call you if we find anything at all.”
“You really think I’ll go home?” she said incredulously. “I’m here to look for Sicily.”
“I’ll have to pair you with someone.”
Staring at that rock-hard face, she kept herself from recoiling with an effort of will. I think you know where her body is. That’s what he was really saying. He thought she would claim to have already searched someplace so nobody else would. Beth wanted to be angry but instead felt momentarily dizzy.
He frowned and reached out a hand to her, which made her wonder whether she’d gone completely pale or her eyes had done a whirligig like a Saturday-morning cartoon character. She stepped back so that his hand dropped without touching her.
“I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
“You don’t have any choice.”
She turned and walked away, toward the sound of voices. She knew he was following, but she couldn’t do anything about that.
The woman who had been organizing the volunteers yesterday had a clipboard in her hand and seemed to be directing the cluster of people around her. Mike introduced her as Phyllis Chang. She nodded brusquely and went back to what she was doing.
“I’d like to help,” Beth said, hating how small her voice was.
Phyllis’s glance went right past her to Mike. She could feel the silent consultation taking place. It made her ashamed and angry. Her stomach churned and her chest felt unbearably tight.
After a minute, the woman said, “Ms. Greenway, my volunteers are trained. I understand that you want to be involved, but they’re used to working together.” Satisfied that she’d dismissed Beth, she looked around her. “Margie, Chuck, you know where you’re going. Garcia, Fay, I’ve circled in red the area I want you to search.” She handed over a photocopied map with red marker lines.
So much rage filled Beth, she shook with it. “I can help,” she said loudly. “This is my niece.”
Two other women had just arrived. Everyone looked at her, their expressions startled and pitying. Did they blame her for Sicily’s disappearance? Of course they