Role Play. Caroline Anderson
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Mary laughed. ‘Actually, it is, but I’m finding it difficult to concentrate with the pain-killers.’
She was on a sustained release oral diamorphine, with Maxalon to alleviate the sickness she was suffering as a result, but at least she was kept relatively pain-free. Leo settled himself on a nearby garden chair and eyed his patient thoughtfully.
‘So, how do you feel?’
‘Physically?’
‘That’ll do for a start.’
Mary shrugged. ‘Oh, the pain’s better and I’m not feeling nearly so sick, but I still feel so weak — frustrated, really, sums it up. I just can’t seem to do anything, and I’ve never sat still in my life. The garden’s getting full of weeds, and there are some shrubs I meant to put in over there but I just haven’t got round to it.’
‘I don’t think you ought to flagellate yourself with guilt, Mary,’ Leo told her, his face grave. ‘There are more important things in life than whether a few pounds’ worth of shrubs get put in.’
Mary sighed raggedly. ‘Oh, it’s not just that. I wouldn’t see them flower anyway, so I can’t get excited about it, but I meant to decorate the girls’ rooms last summer, and I just didn’t get round to it. I don’t know — you always think you can do it tomorrow, and now it’s too late because there won’t be any tomorrows, and there just seems to be so much I’ve left undone. I thought I’d have more time …’
Abbie wanted to weep for her, for her frustration and anger, for her guilt, for all she left unsaid, but above all for the untimely end that drew ever nearer.
Leo, too, was clearly touched by her sorrow. He asked, very quietly, ‘How are you getting on with Gerry and the girls?’
‘Oh, not brilliantly, you know — he still doesn’t seem to want to accept the fact that I’m dying, and the girls just avoid the subject all the time. I just wish someone would acknowledge it so I could talk to them about their future!’
Leo shook his head. ‘Perhaps they just don’t know how to talk to you about it.’
She shrugged again. ‘I just feel — I don’t know — cut off, I suppose. As if it isn’t happening to me, and no one will give me the chance to talk about it, to say the things I need to say.’
‘Such as?’
‘Oh — well, that I’m sorry for the things I’ve done that have annoyed them over the years, that I’ve forgiven them for things they’ve done — that I love them. I don’t know. I want to give Gerry a foolproof list of instructions for bringing up the girls, and I want to answer all their questions before they even occur to them to ask, and I want to be sure that they’re equipped for the world. It’s such a ghastly place, and I don’t know how they’ll cope … Basically I think I just want to leave everything in order before I say goodbye, but I don’t know how to start.’
Leo leaned across and squeezed her hand. ‘Everyone’s different, but we all have our own way of coping. Some of us are just better at it than others, and at the moment Gerry’s way of coping is denial. Don’t worry, I’ll try and talk to him and see if I can help him come to terms with it so you can talk to each other and say all the things that need to be said.’
She sighed shakily. ‘I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it — not when the crunch comes.’
‘You will,’ Leo assured her softly. ‘When the time comes, you’ll find the way — and if you still can’t there are plenty of people available who can help you to start talking to each other about it.’
Mary gazed wistfully across the garden for a while, then turned back to them with a sigh. ‘I think Gerry’s angry with me for leaving him.’
‘I expect he is. He doesn’t want to be a widower in his forties with the responsibility for bringing up two young girls.’
Mary gave a lop-sided grin. ‘I’m not exactly ecstatic about it myself!’
Leo’s mouth softened in a gentle smile of understanding. ‘No — no, I imagine you aren’t, but for you at least dying will be the end of the road. For them, in many ways, it’s just the beginning, and that’s bound to be frightening. Fear often makes us angry.’
Abbie watched as Mary’s face became pensive. ‘I don’t know how they’ll cope.’
‘We’ll be here for them — they can talk to the staff at the hospice, and all the staff at our practice are at their disposal. They know that. All of us are able to help with practical as well as emotional issues, and the social services are very good. What about your solicitor?’
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