How to Take Charge of Your Life: The User’s Guide to NLP. Richard Bandler
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he could do more than his teachers and his father had said he could. When she passed away, he lost that belief in himself. His mother’s positivity shone brightly in Maria. Was she the only person left who really believed he could do better?
‘Look, Joe, I’m asking you to go along with what you hear for three days and give it a shot. When you do, you’ll realize how much you can actually determine what happens. Don’t be too surprised if you find yourself enjoying it.’
Joe agreed that he would give it a shot. They said good-night to each other. Moving towards the staircase, Joe knew now that any hope of sleep was faint. He wandered out to the kitchen and opened the window, lighting up a cigarette and blowing smoke out into the cold night air. He looked out of his apartment window and took another drag.
He felt stuck, trapped in the way he was living. He thought about how different his life had turned out from what, as a child, he had hoped it might one day be. He took a final smoke of his cigarette, put it out in the kitchen sink and turned back towards the bedroom, taking the leaflet again from the table.
He looked at it: ‘The Secret of Personal Freedom. Three Days with Dr Richard Bandler.’ Another line caught his attention.
Our biggest limit is not in what we want and cannot do; it is in what we have never considered that we can do.
Were these words addressed directly to him? With the sentence bouncing around in his mind, he returned to bed. He tossed and turned under the sheets for a few hours. He couldn’t help thinking that the course would be a waste of time, and yet another part of him was curious. Give it a try, Joe.
Then those dream-like images crept into his head. The images that he’d been seeing for so long now. His mother’s face. Her deep blue eyes looking straight into his own. She’d believed in him. Joe always felt that he had disappointed her when he looked back into her face. She would want him to make a go of things. Joe decided that he would give this a chance. For his mother. For Maria. For himself. Could this stuff actually help? It was time to make an effort to change things. The image in his mind of his mother’s face changed. Her lips did not move, but Joe thought he could see a smile in her eyes.
He rolled over, and this time he was asleep within minutes.
Chapter 2
DAY ONE: HOW TO CHANGE NEGATIVE THINKING
When Friday came, Joe headed over to where the course was being held and registered with one of the assistants. The man, well dressed, wore a blue badge with the word ‘Trainer’ written clearly on it. He welcomed Joe with a warm smile. He searched a list for Joe’s name, and after recognizing his surname there said, ‘Oh, Maria’s brother, I presume. Joe, nice to meet you. I’m Alan.’
They shook hands.
‘If you need something during the course, I’d be delighted to help you out.’
Alan handed Joe a name tag and a manual, and then Joe walked into the auditorium. There was a stage at the end of the room, and rows of chairs faced the stage. Joe picked a seat halfway up the aisle on the right-hand side. Pop music in the background mixed with the mumbled buzzing of participants’ conversations. Joe looked around, confused. The seminar was full – there were about 500 people in the room. The topic of the course seemed to have aroused plenty of interest, though Joe was sceptical. What am I doing here? he thought. This is pointless. A waste of three days.
He turned and saw the grinning face of a woman who was settling into the seat beside him, then an outstretched hand. ‘Hi. My name is Anna. You can call me Ann, if you like.’
Joe braced himself for the social interaction, putting on his best polite act. ‘Hi, I’m Joe. Call me Joe,’ he said, smiling weakly at his attempt at a joke.
‘Nice to meet you, Joe. I’m a psychotherapist. It’s my first time here. I can’t wait to see Dr Bandler. I’ve heard he’s quite funny and controversial.’
Joe smiled and turned away uncomfortably to face the stage. Anna continued to talk, this time in a German accent. ‘Ya, Guten Tag. I’ve studied Freudian psychotherapy. My expertise is in psychoanalysis. I find de root cause of people’s problems. Don’t vorry, though; I von’t analyse you.’ Anna started laughing at her own attempt at the accent. Her features were sharp and her dark glasses matched her functional grey dress and shiny black hair tied back from her head. Joe smiled politely.
As Anna continued to talk about her job, Joe found himself locking gazes with a woman across the room with long brown hair. Almost as suddenly as they had seen each other, she had turned away.
Joe couldn’t look away. He was lost in her. She seemed to have her own distinctive dress style, a summery dress flowing down to her knees. Her air of confidence radiated in every direction around her, smiling beautifully at the two people on either side of her, and in turn drawing smiles from them. She is way out of my league, Joe immediately thought. He instinctively pulled his stomach in and sat straight up in his chair. The brown-haired girl sat in the same row as him, about ten seats away. Her skin was pale and white, but her lips were red and her eyes sparkled green like a lighthouse saving a ship in danger. When Joe looked away, Anna was still talking.
The music got louder and a motorcycle roar announced the beginning of the song ‘Born to Be Wild.’ Everybody’s attention was now directed to the stage. The seminar was about to begin. Joe relaxed. Let’s give this a go. What if his sister was right?
The man from the leaflet walked onstage to loud applause. The first thing Joe noticed about this guy was his calm and his impressive confidence. He was dressed in a strong suit, crisp white shirt and bold tie. After a few seconds the song dissipated into the silence of the auditorium and the man spoke. His voice was deep and warm. So this is Richard Bandler … Joe wondered if he would live up to his reputation.
Understanding personal freedom
Good morning, everybody. I want to start today by talking about personal freedom. This all started about forty years ago because I wanted to help people change. Although I could find lots of textbooks full of explanations of what was wrong with people, I couldn’t find, in any of the books, anything you could really do to actually help people change. So that’s when I began to search for what I could do to help people become free. That’s what my life’s work is about: personal freedom.
Joe settled back into his seat. He promised himself that he would give the course his full attention.
Personal freedom is the ability to feel what you want so that the chains of fear, sadness and hate are broken. These chains are made up of negative feelings, limiting beliefs and destructive behaviours.
I began to study one of the most successful therapists around at the time – Virginia Satir. Virginia was skilled at what she did and was absolutely tenacious. She would go after a client’s problems and not stop until she helped them change. I spent a lot of time examining how she did what she did, and soon I went around to mental hospitals with her. Because I was with her, people assumed I was a qualified psychotherapist and they let me do what I wanted. You know, in those hospitals you meet some very strange people, and I’m not talking about the patients! I was in a seminar in Seattle, and I asked if someone knew the difference between psychiatrists and schizophrenics. One person shouted out one of my favourite answers to this question. She said, ‘Sure! A schizophrenic can get well and go home!’
Joe chuckled to himself. He was pleasantly surprised by this guy’s tone. He could sense Anna, sitting beside him, squirming in her seat.
Take psychoanalysis, which is weird enough itself. The idea that your problems stem from the fact that you fancy your mother or father. I mean, please.
Again, Joe tried to suppress a laugh, turning his head towards Anna. Her face was bright red and she fidgeted with her hands.
People always ask me how much resistance