The Accidental Further Adventures of the Hundred-Year-Old Man. Jonas Jonasson
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‘But, Supreme Leader, we can’t talk to the media and keep our conversation discreet at the same time. I don’t feel this is something we agreed upon,’ said Margot Wallström.
Kim Jong-un laughed. ‘Naturally we won’t say a word about the contents of any conversations. How could we? We haven’t had any yet.’
No, this was well within the scope of the parties’ common ambitions. As the leader of the Democratic People’s Republic, Kim Jong-un had a responsibility to his people, the dignity of which perhaps Minister for Foreign Affairs Wallström did not fully comprehend. ‘It’s called “transparency”, Madame Wallström.’
‘Well, howdy-do,’ Allan said in Swedish.
Who was he? He was as old as the hills, clearly Swedish, alleged to be Swiss, and devoted to North Korea’s nuclear weapons-related future. And his respect for his employer seemed to be moderate at best.
Out on stage, a woman had begun to speak Korean before the audience, which had temporarily stopped applauding. Then she switched to English.
‘And with that I would like to welcome the UN envoy and minister for foreign affairs for the kingdom of Sweden, Madame Wallström – as well as the world’s leading nuclear weapons expert, devoted friend of the Democratic People’s Republic, straight from Switzerland: Mr Allan Karlsson.’
Kim Jong-un led Wallström and Karlsson to the edge of the stage, where he stopped while the guests had to continue. Neither of them was given any choice but to step into the spotlights that shone down from four directions. They were guided to their respective marks on one side of a table and received polite applause from the audience. Margot Wallström was not at all a fan of the situation she found herself in.
Allan looked around and discovered at least three TV cameras aimed at them. ‘Why, this is my first time on TV,’ he said to the minister in Swedish, before they had made it all the way to the table and the microphones.
The host began by turning to the UN envoy.
‘You’re here, Madame Wallström, because the UN and the Democratic People’s Republic share a common concern about the proliferation of nuclear weapons in the world, and about the tough rhetoric that so often flies from one side to the other.’
Yes. Thus far Margot Wallström was more or less on the same page.
‘Or from the other side to this one,’ she clarified. ‘It’s a mutual problem.’
‘Tell me, Madame Wallström, what do you think of our country, from what you’ve seen so far?’
What Margot Wallström had seen so far was no more than the airport and a few glances at the North Korean countryside and cityscape on her way into downtown Pyongyang. The countryside appeared poor but not shabby. In the city, the streets were wide, devoid of cars, edged by various monuments. The cult of personality was plain to see.
Like the diplomat she was, she responded by saying that she hoped to get the chance to enjoy the country before it was time to go home again; it struck her as both green and beautiful. The weather was also quite welcoming.
By the latter, the typical Swede means it’s above freezing, which it was.
The host nodded. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Our motto is “a powerful and prosperous nation”. I see that you understand why, Madame Minister for Foreign Affairs.’
She did not wait for any response from Margot Wallström but turned to Allan. ‘And Mr Allan Karlsson. The world’s leading expert in hetisostat pressure one thousand two hundred. In possession of knowledge he would now like to share with the Democratic People’s Republic in the name of peace. What do you think of our beautiful country?’
‘Well, this isn’t my first time here,’ said Allan. ‘I had business here way back in the days of the Eternal President. It seems to me the roadblocks aren’t as numerous today as they were back then.’
Kim Jong-un signalled that he wished to be called onstage. As it happened, the host had prepared another question for the Swiss man, but the Supreme Leader didn’t trust that the old man would answer as he should. Roadblocks? What kind of talk was that?
The presentation of the Supreme Leader appeared to be magnificent. Exactly what was said was impossible to know for anyone who didn’t speak Korean. But now the formerly lukewarm audience stood up and gave an intense round of applause.
Kim Jong-un nodded first at the minister for foreign affairs, then the Swiss man, and joined them at the table.
The audience continued to applaud.
And more applause. It didn’t stop until the Supreme Leader ordered it to with his own hand. The host was able to make herself heard once more.
‘Supreme Leader,’ she said. ‘You are the world’s foremost champion of peace. How do you view the possibility that the aforementioned world would be a better place to live in under your leadership?’
Kim Jong-un nodded thoughtfully. A very good question. Almost as if he had come up with it himself. Which he had. ‘Peace between two parties presupposes cooperation by all. I cannot bring about peace on my own. I need help. Peace will come only when everyone wants it. It is with great sorrow I must say that the United States of America and its allies are instead trying to drive us all to destruction. But I do what I can, I do what I can. Hope is the last thing to abandon each individual in the Democratic People’s Republic. And I am glad we have the United Nations on our side in this struggle, represented here by Madame Wallström, who is also the minister for foreign affairs in the neutral country of Sweden. With the help of the equally neutral nation of Switzerland – represented by Mr Karlsson, as previously mentioned – the ultimate in nuclear strength can in the long term be relocated from the warmongers in Washington, Tokyo and Seoul to here, the centre of peace and love.’
Minister Wallström was about to flip out. Was that bastard standing there and placing the neutral countries of Sweden and Switzerland on the side of North Korea in a nuclear arms race? And where was this being broadcast? Wherever it was, it would become an international story at any moment.
‘May I say something?’
‘Yes, that is certainly the intent here,’ said Kim Jong-un. ‘We will begin our demanding work this very evening. The Democratic People’s Republic, the UN and the countries of Sweden and Switzerland, which have so proudly refused to fall in line with the North American hawks.’
The host realized that the show was over. She thanked her leader with a reverent bow and said she did not want to spend any more time standing in the way of the important work of the Supreme Leader and the others.
‘Go, Supreme Leader, in the name of peace. And feel the love of your people. Take your friends with you. Our love extends to them as well.’
Once again backstage, a very pleased Kim Jong-un said that everything had gone very well, didn’t Minister for Foreign Affairs Wallström agree?
No, she did not.
‘With all respect, Supreme Leader, what we just experienced was not part of our agreement, and it complicates rather than facilitates our upcoming talks.’
Kim Jong-un smiled. ‘Oh, yes, our talks. I think one will be enough. As I said, you are welcome to the palace this evening for an early dinner. Now you will be escorted to your hotel and picked up again at around seventeen hundred hours. Do be sure to make the most of the fantastic service at Ryugyong until then. According to many reviewers, it is the best hotel in the world.’
The minister, as annoyed as she was bewildered, was herded back through the hallways alongside the Swiss-Swedish Karlsson. At last they found themselves alone in the back seat of Wallström’s limousine. There was no way the driver could hear what they said or in which language they said it. Once the car had gone a few hundred metres, the minister for foreign affairs thought the time was right.
‘I must say I find myself curious about a few things,’ she said quietly