The Ultimate Introduction to NLP: How to build a successful life. Richard Bandler
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‘Oh, he’s a medical doctor and a very famous therapist! I’ve sent people over to see what he’s doing and no one has even remembered being there.’
‘Cool! That’s something I might like!’
So we shot down to Arizona to meet with this guy who was considered – with every reason – to be one of the greatest therapists alive. We watched Milton work with clients, and when we got back, we wrote a book explaining how he used language.
See, Milton stood out for me for three reasons. First, he was the one to theorize that the unconscious was always listening and that you could communicate at different levels of understanding even in what appeared to be a regular conversation.
Second, Milton realized that feelings were contagious. That means if you want someone to feel good, you have to begin by going into a wonderful state yourself.
Last, what was really admirable about Milton was that no matter how crazy somebody was, he never looked at being ‘crazy’ as something for which you should be incarcerated forever, and he never looked at drugs as being the answer to making stupid decisions.
Milton and Virginia never gave up on people. When Virginia started working with somebody, she didn’t stop until they changed. Period. It didn’t matter to her if it took one hour or 25 – when she got it into her mind that someone could change, she would simply never stop. Milton was very much the same, and I got that from them. That kind of relentless determination is absolutely necessary to be effective at what we do.
Now, what NLP is all about is the promotion of what I like to call personal freedom. It means your ability to choose how you handle your brain, your behaviour and your life. But before we dive into this, let’s take a ten-minute break.
Joe took the chance to get a coffee, then returned to his seat and resumed his conversation with Edgar.
‘So, you were telling me about Alan …’
‘Oh, yes. I’ve found him to be an exceptional trainer. He’s like the Obi-Wan Kenobi of NLP. The force is strong with him. LOL.’
He actually said the letters ‘L O L’ out loud! Joe couldn’t believe it. It was all he could do not to cringe.
Oblivious, Edgar continued, ‘Right from the start he gave me the feeling that he knew what he was talking about and, most importantly, he knew how to get it across. It’s as though he always knows exactly where the audience is and how to capture their attention: giving an extra example at the right time, cracking a joke here and there, showing how the different ideas and techniques work together to create a seamless process.’ Edgar put on a squeaky high voice to sound like Yoda from Star Wars and added, ‘How to use the good side of the force, understand he does.’
Joe couldn’t help laughing. Edgar was actually funny – in his own, very unique way.
‘I never had the pleasure of seeing him onstage,’ he replied, ‘but I can relate to what you’re saying. Having someone like him as one of the assistants on the previous course really made a difference. He helped me to clear my doubts whenever I had them.’
It was then that Joe noticed, out of the corner of his eye, that Emily seemed to be pretty down. Her mother had gone out for a moment and she was just sitting motionless in her seat, her right hand cupped over her eyes. Just as Joe was about to excuse himself and see if she was OK, Teresa returned to her seat. Immediately Emily plastered a huge smile on her face.
It was none of Joe’s business, but he wanted to find out what was up with Emily. He vowed to keep an eye on her.
Chapter 3
After the break, Richard returned promptly to the stage.
Now, probably one of the most important lessons I learned in studying Virginia and Milton was that they always focused on getting the client into a different emotional state when thinking about their problems.
If they could get the client to think about the problem while feeling good, it helped them to make powerful changes.
NLP was created to give people more control over their mind. That’s in essence what we’re doing here. You have to realize that you can create any state that you want, whenever you want. You can learn to look at the same piece of personal history in a different way … Because the truth is that it’s not your personal history that makes you who you are, it’s your response to it.
This was a particularly important concept for Joe. It’s not my past that makes me who I am but how I respond to it. He considered this while Richard continued:
Everything I’ve done in the last 40 years has been about having personal freedom – that is, the freedom of choice. I don’t want to make it so that you can’t get angry or scared anymore. I want to make sure you can choose when to get angry or scared and what to get angry or scared about. That way, you can begin to make all of these things useful. Fear keeps you safe and out of trouble, but a fear of elevators? Really?
You should be terrified of things that are worth being afraid about, like wasting your life mulling over the past!
Joe knew that recently he hadn’t been getting on as well with his girlfriend partly because he was feeling under pressure, and that something similar was happening to her. I need to take more control over my moods, he thought.
Now, the first thing that I want you to do today is a thought experiment.
Whenever we think, we do so in three primary ways: we create mental images and movies, we talk to ourselves and we have feelings.
Now, for years everyone was asking about what happened in your life rather than how you were thinking about it. What I discovered was that the way you thought about things was what determined how you felt. What that means is that you can help people change when you teach them to take control of the movies they make in their mind and the way they talk to themselves.
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