Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships. John Gray
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of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked.
Because proving one’s competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn’t feel she trusts his ability to do it himself.
A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.
On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.
Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don’t change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is working. “Don’t fix it unless it is broken” is a common expression.
When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn’t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.
GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE
Without this insight into the nature of men, it’s very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most.
For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about twenty minutes and going around the same block a few times, it was clear to Mary that Tom was lost. She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening. Mary had no idea of why he was so upset.
From her side she was saying “I love and care about you, so I am offering you this help.”
From his side, he was offended. What he heard was “I don’t trust you to get us there. You are incompetent!”
Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have explored, Martians never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.
Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost and started circling the same block, it was a very special opportunity to love and support him. At that time he was particularly vulnerable and needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note.
After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how to support Tom at such difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering “help” she restrained herself from offering any advice, took a deep relaxing breath, and appreciated in her heart what Tom was trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warm acceptance and trust.
Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother.
Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.
For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like this: “If I can’t be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?” Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.
LEARNING TO LISTEN
Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn’t pleased.
Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.
For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day.
She says, “There is so much to do; I don’t have any time for myself.”
Tom says, “You should quit that job. You don’t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do.”
Mary says, “But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice.”
Tom says, “Don’t listen to them. Just do what you can do.”
Mary says, “I am! I can’t believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today.”
Tom says, “Don’t worry about it, she’ll understand.”
Mary says, “Do you know what she is going through? She needs me.”
Tom says, “You worry too much, that’s why you’re so unhappy.”
Mary angrily says, “I am not always unhappy. Can’t you just listen to me?”
Tom says, “I am listening.”
Mary says, “Why do I even bother?”
After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn’t work.
Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn’t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other’s feelings.
Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.
When Mary now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:
Mary says, “There is so much to do. I have no time for me.”
Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, “Humph, sounds like you had a hard day.”
Mary says, “They expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice. I don’t know what to do.”
Tom