Raising Girls: Why girls are different – and how to help them grow up happy and confident. Gisela Preuschoff
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feel safe and relaxed, the ability to connect with another human being in empathy and trust – all happen in this first year, and we must not rush or abandon our daughter as if she were just a blob to be fed and stopped from crying.
That the world we live in is very toxic to young children -the messages the media send, and the food on the supermarket shelves – so we have to show great care in what we put into her body, and her mind.
That we parents also have plenty of cultural and psychological baggage and wounds that we can so easily pass on. I don’t want to scare you here, but simply to remind you that half of what we give our children is our own selves, and these need much rehabilitation.
What else have we learned?
That the twentieth-century idea of the father as the distant breadwinner, or the jokey stranger, has done enormous harm. We now know that fathers play an irreplaceable part in the confidence and self-esteem building of girls, a delicate role involving affection without invasion, fun with firmness, and care with strengthening levels of trust and freedom. Research into everything from anorexia to career choice, from sexual safety to educational opportunity, shows that a loving, involved dad makes a world of difference.
That the rush to equality has caused much harm – through mistaking equality for sameness. Boys and girls grow differently, and should not be lumped together and expected to thrive. In secondary schools, especially, there are important reasons for separating girls from boys into classrooms where both sexes can be free from vulnerability to and pressure from the opposite sex; and free to learn and explore their fragile new identities without falling into the stereotypical and defensive pretence of being macho or sexy, cute or coy, aggressive or smart.
Your daughter may be a newborn. She may be a toddler, or a little school child. She may be a teenager, vulnerable but with growing identity and selfhood. She may be a young woman, relating to men, making her own way in the world, needing you less and less, or so it seems. She may even be a mother herself, coming to you with a new sense of awareness of the linkages you share. Your parenthood never ends.
The more you are awake, alive, and thinking and feeling deep into your own life – instead of zipping and rushing over its surface like a bug on a lake – the more you will have to give your daughter, and the more you will have to smile about as the seasons of both your lives pass by.
Steve Biddulph
I would like to stimulate you to reflect with this book. What is really special about having a girl as a child? What kind of woman would you like your daughter to grow into? How important this consideration really is can be illustrated by the following story. Someone dressed a group of male and female babies in pink and light blue jumpsuits and then asked a group of dads to describe the children. They clearly treated the pink ones differently from the light blue ones. The pink babies were described as fragile, pretty, sweet and cute, although there were boys among them; in contrast, the ‘light blue’ ones were described as healthy, sturdy, strong and attentive – several girls also being among them.
People react differently to a male baby than to a female one. And that’s quite normal, for there are of course differences. These are not only biologically conditioned but are based on social influences, expectations and premises – there has always been something like a girl culture or a culture of the feminine in all cultures and at all times. We can resist it, but never quite withdraw from it.
Only when, as parents, we become aware of which images and ideas of femininity we carry inside us, and which of these images are socially effective, can we take a critical look at them, perhaps argue about them and take new paths or turn back onto the well-established paths.
What do you want for your daughter? From what age is she to become a girl? How many months or years old will she be before she wears her first necklace? And when should her ears be pierced? Some parents have very definite ideas about this, and no-one will be able to dissuade them. Others have not thought about it at all, but probably carry unconscious notions around with them.
However, one thing should remain clear from the start: children are not putty in our hands. They belong to themselves and bring their own personality and unique ‘life’s work’ into the world. As their parents, we are lucky to be allowed to accompany them for a while. In order for this to be successful, it’s also important that we understand our roles as mother and father.
Each child is, in my eyes, a wonderful, unique gift. But individual differences notwithstanding, there are recognisable differences between the sexes. Women, for example, have more acute hearing than men and can better distinguish high tones – the frequencies that babies are known to use to cry. After just a week, female infants can distinguish their mother’s voice and the crying of another baby located in the same room, from other noises. Boys cannot do this.1 Moreover, women perceive visual detail better – a skill that is of great significance in a toddler’s environment.
These days, new research is revealing important differences between girls and boys, men and women. Are these biologically inherited or socially conditioned?
I believe that parents of a girl should pay special attention to their own internal images of girls. They should ask themselves, ‘What does it mean to me that it’s a girl?’
This is very important, as it can help parents avoid burdening the child and her future life with a hidden agenda, for example, by saying, ‘She should on no account become like my mother’ or, ‘She’s not allowed to become as pampered as my sister’ or, ‘She should assert herself.’ If parents are quite clear in their minds about their internal images, they can choose to stick with them or to distance themselves from them. Their daughter then has the opportunity to later rebel against this expectation, or to consciously assume the role.
Whether you have a boy or a girl, apart from wishing for children who are born healthy, it does seem to make a difference. The decisive questions we should ask ourselves are, what do we conclude from the sex of our child, and how do we deal with this?
Even today, the question of ‘boy or girl’ still plays a significant role in family planning all round the world:
According to surveys in Europe, more couples wish for a girl, not a boy, as their first child – maybe in the hope that daughters would be more likely to look after their ageing parents in later years.
In China, parents may only have one child – and most prefer to have a boy. Girls are undesirable, and are terminated in many cases. In India infanticide of girls is common.
What is your idea of a girl? Were you planning for a girl? If so, why? If not, how did you feel when a baby daughter suddenly entered your life? These are important questions that have a large bearing on how you view your task of raising a girl. Answer these questions and compare your opinions with that of your partner as well as some close friends. They relate to a very important issue: projection. By that, I don’t mean slide shows in the living room, but rather how we often project our own beliefs, attitudes and expectations on to others, often mistakenly. If you can become more aware of your ideas regarding these matters, you will be less likely to project your thoughts on to others, including your daughter.
If you find this exercise rewarding, try the following ‘Self-awareness questions for parents’ to really get you thinking!
Self-awareness questions for parents
Here are some questions for you to consider. They are about you as a child and you as a parent, and a few ask about your daughter. You might like to simply toss them around in your mind, or you might like to write your answers down for future reference (which I would recommend). If you write them down, do so somewhere safe and private. You and your child(ren)’s other parent should both answer the questions. Just ignore the gender words that don’t apply to you. When you have