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them in the past;

      

start to feel sorry for ourselves;

      

take time to give ourselves some nurturing or treats.

      Our aim must not therefore be to eradicate carer’s guilt completely. We need to rid ourselves of the irrational stuff and learn helpful strategies and techniques to manage the inevitable rest. You will find some tips in Chapter 7.

      Summary: Carer’s guilt

      • This is guilt we feel when we think we should be caring more effectively for people in our lives who have a reduced capacity to look after themselves.

      • Women have traditionally taken on the role of carer, but as most now work they cannot necessarily do this any longer.

      • Through the media we are being made increasingly aware of the inadequacies of institutional care and the rising tide of people who are dependent.

      • A certain amount of guilt is inevitable for every carer.

      Shameful guilt

       I’ve got the Jewish guilt and the Irish shame, and it’s a hell of a job distinguishing which is which.

       KEVIN KLINE, AMERICAN ACTOR

      We have already looked at the difference between guilt and shame in Chapter 1. Shameful guilt is simply a combination of two kinds of guilt. We feel it when we have done, or think we’ve done, something wrong and also have a sense that this proves that we are intrinsically bad or not as good as other people. It therefore attacks our inner confidence, which is the bedrock of our mental health. The consequences of feeling shameful guilt are bad for us, and often bad for others as well, because we may:

      

not own up to what we have done, or think we have done, because we don’t want even more people to think we are bad;

      

feel less inclined to apologise, because we believe that they won’t want to listen to us;

      

not believe someone who says they have forgiven us and wants to wipe the slate clean;

      

not make amends for what we have done because being bad means we will probably do it again;

      

go on to do even more and possibly worse deeds because that’s what people as bad as us do;

      

consciously or unconsciously seek out the company of people who are as bad as us;

      

become cynical and very negative in our thinking;

      

isolate ourselves or not allow people to get too close for fear that they will discover who we really are and the bad things that we are capable of doing;

      

start to ‘worship’ people whom we believe are better than us, and allow that to blind us to their failings;

      

become a ‘rescuer’ of others to the extent that we neglect ourselves in order to be regarded as ‘good’;

      

become very religious, because only a higher power can forgive us;

      

become overly self-obsessed and introspective, and so have less empathy with others;

      

become depressed and suicidal;

      

not seek help because we are worthless and/or others are more deserving.

      You may have noticed that some of the possible consequences above are contradictory to each other. This is because shame and guilt are essentially different emotions and have different effects. They can therefore pull you in different directions. So, unsurprisingly, shameful guilt is the most difficult kind to both feel and overcome.

      This may also be why it is used to exert power and influence over people. Throughout history, dictators and politicians have used shameful guilt as both a threat and a punishment.

       Lead the people with administrative injunctions and put them in their place with penal law, and they will avoid punishments, but will be without a sense of shame. Lead them with excellence and put them in their place through roles and ritual practices, and in addition to developing a sense of shame they will order themselves harmoniously.

       CONFUCIUS, CHINESE PHILOSOPHER

      Teachers were also using it in the days when they put the dunce cap on children, and still do when they make children answer questions in class they know they will get wrong. Even parents use it; for example, when they tell their seven-year-old child in public that they’re behaving like a three-year-old.

      Inducing shameful guilt is also one of the techniques that advertisers use to sell products. Sometimes they will use it in a direct way by showing, for example, pictures of people with zits on their face or without deodorant looking isolated within a crowd, or indirectly by showing people using their products being super happy and successful. Political parties will also employ advertisers who use shameful guilt to win elections or get people to change their views or behaviour.

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