1 What nursery is like

      Becoming a parent for the first time is an unbelievable feeling. It is an intensely happy time, and yet frightening too. Having this tiny baby in your home, in your arms, you feel terribly responsible and want to give your child the best care that you can. As it dawns on you how utterly dependent a human baby really is, you can easily feel overwhelmed by its needs and demands. Gradually, through the struggles, the sleep deprivation, the altered sense of time, the totally rearranged priorities, you and your child find a rhythm, and you discover you really can do it. You begin to live a very different, subtler, deeper kind of life.

      And then you are faced with the decision, like an impending grief – to return to work or stay at home? People are urging you in different directions, but what do you want to do? The first thing is to realize that you really do have a choice. You may be surprised to learn what other people choose. Despite all the financial pressures, and the general feeling that both parents should be in the workforce, from government and employers, over 40 per cent of all UK parents choose that one of them will stay home until their children are of school age. (And these are surprisingly often people who choose to make financial sacrifices, and are not especially well off. Wealthier people have a long tradition of farming out their childcare, which continues to this day.) Of the rest, most ‘primary caregivers’ (by which researchers usually mean mothers) return gradually to part-time work, usually only after their child reaches two or three, and perhaps full-time work as their children get older and better able to cope with out-of-home care. (In around 5 per cent of families, the father stays at home, and the mother returns to full-time work at some time during the first five years.) And finally, it might surprise you to learn that only about 1 in 20 families put their baby straight into full-time, ten-hours-a-day nursery care before the baby is one year old. We will look at these choices and their pros and cons later in the book. For now the main point is – you do have a choice.

      To choose wisely you must be informed; so the most important thing you must do, before committing yourself to any long-term plans, is go and find out what a nursery is really like. Forget the brochures, the glowing propaganda, and the cheery reassurances of those who want to persuade themselves that all is fine. For a decision this big you have to see for yourself. Not just a flying visit, or the official guided tour – ‘look at the little toilets, aren’t they cute?’ – but an hour or more of melting into the background, quietly observing what goes on. It is a good idea to go alone the first time (without your baby), then you can ask to go back with your partner for a second look at a different time on a different day. The aim is to get an accurate sense of what it might be like to be a child spending ten hours a day in such a place.

      Trusting your senses

      As you enter the nursery’s doors, the feeling and mood of the place will be immediately obvious. In fact it is something of a sensory overload. Here are some of the impressions you might form.

      1 The lack of peace

      There is something exhausting and overwhelming about so many small people in one confined space. It is noisy, even when the sounds are all happy, but add a certain amount of crying or angry shouts, and it is a stressful sound, which – apart from at ‘nap time’ (and that is rarely silent) – continues all day long.

      Apart from the noise, there is a difficulty in keeping mental focus. Children at this age are capable of concentrated quiet play – imaginary games, chatting to themselves, being peaceful. But in this environment, it is not easy for them to settle: they run about, fight over toys, compete for adult attention. Carers share themselves as best they can, prevent fights, try to engage quiet or shy children, stimulate play activities, but there is often a feeling of jumble and coping, rather than enjoyment and peaceful concentration.

      2 The sense of vulnerability

      Childhood is an aggressive time – even at home, little children often resort to hitting, pulling, shouting, as they lack the skills to sort out conflict in better ways. But in a large group setting it gets worse. Groups of bigger boys, or meaner girls who physically or emotionally dominate things, can be a problem if your child is quieter or less assertive. Alternatively your child may become one of the dominators or bullies, as another way of dealing with the stressful environment. Under-twos are too young to nurture or befriend each other for more than a few seconds, or even play together co-operatively. Problems soon arise. A carer will usually intervene to protect the weaker children, but not always in time. It is only bumps and biffs and unkind words – they won’t end up in hospital – but it is emotionally unsettling and scary to quite a few children. And there is no escaping it. Your child will be confined with the other children all together, all day long.

      3 The lack of homeliness or a place of one’s own

      While there are interesting toys, play equipment and adults to encourage your child, there is no personal space; no quiet corner or toy or piece of furniture that is his or her own, apart from a coat hook and perhaps a piece of artwork taped on the wall. A child is rootless and unanchored, moving from one spot to another.

      The baby room

      ‘I went to a very nice, very expensive, highly-recommended nursery when I was nine months pregnant, in preparation for my return to work when my child was seven months old. I will never forget the feeling I got when I walked into the baby room. There were nine babies and three carers. One baby was being fed, one was having its nappy changed, and one other was being comforted as it was crying. The other six were sitting around in baby chairs in varying states of apathy and boredom. All I could think of was “these babies have been abandoned”, and I wanted very strongly to cry.’

       (website contributor, March 2006)

      4 There are never enough adults to go around

      Ratios of staff to children are always a compromise compared with what would be ideal. Usually there is one staff person to three or four babies, and one carer to eight to ten toddlers or older children. The staff do their best to share themselves around, but it is non-stop all day. A study commissioned by the Department of Education in 1999 found that the average amount of 1:1 attention per child was only eight minutes per day.¹ Staff respond to crises, divert problems, comfort a crying child, take someone to the toilet – and move on. Caring for so many children all day is difficult and draining – you will see the adults ‘zone out’ by taking mental breaks when they can, simply for self-preservation.

      5 Some kids cope less well than others

      You will notice some children