Child on the Doorstep. Anne Bennett
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not?’ Mary demanded. ‘That night, I know you took shelter there, but did he see you go into the church?’
Angela shook her head. ‘I doubt it. I mean, he didn’t seem to be in the main body of the church when I went in. I only saw him when the men from the house came looking for me. They admitted to him they hadn’t seen me go in either, but they were checking everywhere because it was as if I had disappeared into thin air. Anyway, he sent them packing and if he had seen me come in in the agitated state I was in, I’m sure he would have spoken to me. I mean, the church wasn’t empty as I told you, but it wasn’t full like it is for Mass. There were only a handful of people there and, thinking about it, he probably knew most of them.’
‘So why won’t you go there? You said he looked kindly.’
‘I have heard he’s kind,’ Angela said. ‘But I might make him feel a bit of a fool, because I’d say he’d work out who I was, because I’ll have to tell him everything if I want him to give me absolution. How could I tell a man, any man, never mind a priest, about that attack?’
‘Angela, you cannot blame yourself,’ Mary said. ‘None of it was your fault.’
‘D’you know, Mammy,’ Angela said rather sadly. ‘In the general scheme of things it hardly seems to matter whose fault it was.’
‘God knows, and that’s the truth,’ Mary said.
‘You know, when Barry died, I thought about enquiring after the child, or even bringing her here where she belongs to be brought up by her mother.’
‘What stopped you?’
‘Well it isn’t done, is it?’ Angela said. ‘I mean, if you want a child or a baby, you go to an orphanage, but no one adopts a foundling from the workhouse. I’ve something to tell you, Mary. A few years ago, the pain and the anguish of not knowing what happened to my little girl was so immense, I couldn’t bear it. I was so wracked with the thought that she had died or was being cruelly treated, I was tearing my hair out with the worry of it all.’
‘So what did you do?’ asked Mary. She could see that Angela had a burden to unload and waited patiently for the woman she considered her daughter to speak.
‘It was so bad that I went to the workhouse and asked about a young child who had been left there some years before. I pretended that I was making enquiries for a friend.’
‘What did they tell you?’ asked Mary, who couldn’t believe that Angela had taken such a step. Though she realised that such a loving person as her daughter would leave no stone unturned once her heart was decided on such a course of action.
Angela’s face took on a distressed aspect as she told Mary what had occurred.
‘A hard-faced woman opened the door and wouldn’t let me over the threshold. I tried to explain about the child and the locket but she refused to listen to me. Just said that once the children had come into the workhouse any family left had handed over control and they belonged to the workhouse now. Oh Mary, it was awful, she told me to forget about the child, it was no concern of my friend’s now, and then slammed the door in my face. I felt sick, knowing that my child could be behind those walls. I’ll never know what happened to her now – if she is safe, if she lived or died or if a friendly hand ever held hers when she was sad or lonely.’
Angela was in tears again now and Mary reached out to comfort her. ‘She is in God’s hands, Angela, and we must pray that He is her comfort as He must be ours.’
‘Perhaps it is just as well as it would have opened a can of worms, wouldn’t it? Eventually they would have tumbled to it that I was the child’s mother and then everyone would know and the child’s life could be blighted even further by the taint of sin. And how would Connie cope then, knowing the truth of it all?’
Mary didn’t answer. She was now in tears too, knowing Connie would never be able to cope with such a distressing revelation. ‘There is nothing to be done about it then.’
Angela nodded. ‘That’s the way of it. And my heart will break with each passing year as we approach Christmas. The pain never diminishes, because as the child grows she will know what she is and how alone she is in the world. She will likely experience no kind word or deed in the whole of her life and I should suffer for putting her through that.’
Mary’s heart hurt also for she knew there were no words to say to ease Angela’s conscience. A priest might but if she wouldn’t go to see one then that avenue was closed too. She could no longer look on Angela’s sorrowful eyes and her own were stinging with tiredness as she gave a sigh and lay back on the bed. Angela watched Mary’s eyes flutter shut and she tucked her in and tiptoed from the room.
A few days later, Angela had returned to work. Mary insisted as she said Christmas was coming and they couldn’t live on fresh air. Angela was glad to be going back and Paddy Larkin’s wife in particular was delighted with Angela’s return.
‘They’ve all been asking for you and, to be honest, I wasn’t sure we’d see you this side of Christmas. Is Mary much recovered?’
Angela shook her head. ‘She’s over the flu, which is a blessing, but she’ll not recover much now I don’t think. But she insisted I go back to work because she hates to think she is being a burden and Connie and I can manage her between us.’
‘You have a good daughter there, Angela,’ Breda said. ‘She’s a credit to you.’
‘Thank you,’ Angela said. ‘I’d be grateful if you’d keep your ear to the ground for a single bed going begging. Mary won’t stay in the bedroom, says there’s no need and we have enough to do without fetching and carrying for her all day long. I can see her point, for the bedroom is cold and probably lonely. She insists on being downstairs during the day as she likes to be in the middle of things. But she does sleep a lot now, and she’s hardly well rested in the chair.’
‘I don’t have to look far,’ Breda said. ‘I have one going spare myself. You can have it and welcome.’
‘Oh, thank you.’
‘No problem,’ Breda said. ‘As it’s a dry day I’ll get Paddy to bring it round later after closing time about half three. Any of his regulars will give him a hand, especially if they know who it’s for.’
And so by four o’clock that same day Paddy and two of the customers carried in the bed. Angela already had firebricks heating up to be wrapped in flannel and laid on the mattress in case it should be damp, and she warmed the sheets and blankets at the fire before she would let Mary into the bed.
Mary would never have complained, but she was very glad to have the opportunity to lie down when she was tired during the day. She never found she had any kind of a refreshing sleep when she dropped off in the chair and she often woke with a crick in her neck. She said how grateful she was and continued, ‘Now, Angela, I want you to go to your own bed each night. I don’t want you sleeping in the chair next to me as you have done the last few nights. I will be as right as rain on my own.’
‘We’ll see.’
‘Angela, I mean it. No one can sleep well in a chair.’
‘And I said I’d see,’ Angela said firmly. ‘I’m having the doctor call to have a look at you and then we’ll decide where I will sleep.’
She was concerned about her mother because, since the long conversation about the abandoned child, she had said virtually nothing of any consequence. Sometimes a day would pass and Mary wouldn’t speak a word, or she would start a sentence and forget the end and look confused and bewildered. Or she would be overcome by tiredness and fall asleep in the middle of talking. The times when she was clear and lucid were getting fewer. Added to this, Angela could get her to eat only sparingly; tucking her into the bed earlier,