For Charlie and Rachel, my A-list friends

      No man is rich enough to buy back his past.

      —OSCAR WILDE

       Breaking News: Discovery of Blood-Soaked Dress Leads to Arrest of Night for Night Party Promoter!

      By Trena Moretti

      Just in—Mere hours after teen heartthrob Ryan Hawthorne was called in for questioning regarding the disappearance of his former girlfriend, Hollywood A-lister Madison Brooks, Los Angeles police received an anonymous tip leading to a blood-soaked dress thought to belong to Night for Night party promoter Aster Amirpour.

      While the official statement released by the LAPD states that tests are under way to determine the source of the blood, an LAPD insider assures us they’ve received confirmation that the blood on the dress is a match for the missing celebrity.

      According to our sources, the dress was turned over to police when a W Hotel employee became suspicious.

      “I was only doing my job, which requires me to double-check the number and type of clothes found in the guest’s laundry bag with the number and type of clothes the guest logged onto the form,” said the employee, who wishes to remain anonymous. “This is the same standard procedure we always follow before we send the laundry out to our vendor. You would not believe how many people don’t know the difference between a chemise and a dress. Anyway, in the middle of checking I noticed that a black dress had been improperly marked as a blouse. When I looked closer, I saw that the dress was covered in large dark stains that struck me as suspicious. It was then that I alerted my boss and they took it from there. If it really is the blood of Madison Brooks, then all we can do is pray for that poor young girl, because it really was an awful lot of blood. The dress was completely covered in it.”

      At the time of writing, Aster Amirpour was being booked into LA County Jail. We’ll have more as this story develops.

      CONTENTS

       Cover

       Title Page

ONE: GIRL AFRAID

TWO: HEART-SHAPED BOX

THREE: THIS SUMMER’S GONNA HURT LIKE A MOTHERF * * * * R

FOUR: WHY’D YOU COME IN HERE LOOKIN’ LIKE THAT

FIVE: I WOULD DIE 4 U

SIX: HOTLINE BLING

SEVEN: THE BITCH IS BACK

EIGHT: SHE SELLS SANCTUARY

NINE: ROCK AND ROLL, HOOCHIE KOO

       TEN: BEEN CAUGHT STEALING

       ELEVEN: RUDE BOY

       TWELVE: LOVE DROUGHT

       THIRTEEN: CAN’T FEEL MY FACE

       FOURTEEN: WHISPER TO A SCREAM

       FIFTEEN: ALL APOLOGIES

       SIXTEEN: MUSIC TO WATCH BOYS TO

       SEVENTEEN: ’TIS A PITY SHE WAS A WHORE

       EIGHTEEN: PAINT IT BLACK

       NINETEEN: BUILDING A MYSTERY

       TWENTY: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

       TWENTY-ONE: GUILTY FILTHY SOUL

       TWENTY-TWO: EX’S & OH’S

       TWENTY-THREE: USED TO LOVE YOU SOBER

       TWENTY-FOUR: DRINK YOU AWAY

       TWENTY-FIVE: THE KILLING MOON

       TWENTY-SIX: DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND

       TWENTY-SEVEN: DIRTY DEEDS DONE DIRT CHEAP

       TWENTY-EIGHT: YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG

       TWENTY-NINE: OUR LIPS ARE SEALED

       THIRTY: BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

       THIRTY-ONE: WALKASHAME

       THIRTY-TWO: VICTIM OF LOVE

       THIRTY-THREE: ENTER SANDMAN

       THIRTY-FOUR: CALLING ALL ANGELS

       THIRTY-FIVE: WATCHING THE DETECTIVES

       THIRTY-SIX: EVIL WAYS

       THIRTY-SEVEN: INTERSTATE LOVE SONG

       THIRTY-EIGHT: ALL THE YOUNG DUDES

       THIRTY-NINE: JANIE’S GOT A GUN

       FORTY: HIGHWAY TO HELL

       FORTY-ONE: HOTEL CALIFORNIA

       FORTY-TWO: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE