I Take You. Nikki Gemmell
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a stiff drink. I need to prepare this dear girl.’
At that, Connie starts trembling; trembling as she realizes this is all entirely new, and Cliff will not be with her, not leading her, telling her what to do, not whispering a kiss on the cheek and assuring her everything will be all right; she is trembling as the maid takes her husband by the hand and leads him out, away, from her, from whatever is next; trembling as she realizes she is now alone with this man with his sudden greed of a touch. For what, she does not know. Have they gone too far, Cliff and her, in spilling their secret wants? She never expected that world to leach into real life.
It is too late, Cliff is gone.
The stranger throws her fur coat briskly on the counter. ‘We’ll be needing none of this now.’ Summons another girl from the shadow of a doorway, also bearing a silver tray. Upon it is a thick red collar. ‘Such a pretty little thing, for a pretty little girl,’ he murmurs, buckling it around Connie’s neck then suddenly tugging it roughly, pulling it a notch too tight as if he is free, now, to be vicious, since his friends have left the room, like a man in a secret moment with a dog. The collar is too thick, the leathery smell pungent. Connie gasps but does not cry out. ‘Oh, you sweet, sweet thing, you are ready, so ready for this, aren’t you?’ A chain is attached and she is jerked towards a wooden door, low, with brass studs. Roughly pushed through it. She stumbles. A foot in the small of her back forces her up, into looking.
A room like Connie has never seen before. Like some anatomical theatre of old. Small and windowless and steeped with hard wooden benches on three sides, on several levels. In the centre of the floor: a narrow, unforgiving doctor’s table. Instinctively Connie knows it will be hard and cold upon her flesh, for it is for her, instinctively she knows that. It has steel railings at its head, like a bedhead, for securing things she presumes, and stirrups hanging down from the ceiling above. Next to it is a narrow steel table with various implements; she can hardly bear to look, she is breathing fast now, shallow; there are irons and manacles, collars, whips of different sizes and some strange instrument that looks like a medieval hole-puncher. How has her world come to this? Where is Cliff? No, no, she must veer back into willingness.
‘Yes, my dear, oh yes,’ the master murmurs, propelling her towards the table, grasping her chin and forcing her into looking. She pulls back, resists, the man immediately calls out ‘Hans’ and through the door steps a man in tight jeans and singlet, no neck, just a fall of skin into shoulders and with two panting dogs on leashes; all three of them look like they’ve been plucked from the London just driven through. He has her fur coat over his arm. One dog barks. Connie is very, very still, scarcely breathing now, trembling.
‘Just remember, my love, this is what Cliff wants,’ the master says, mock-soothing, holding her leash tight so they are now cheek to cheek. ‘He has asked for this. For everything. He will be in the audience. He needs to know how much you love him. How obedient you will be. For him. For others. It’s what he wants.’ Connie whimpers. ‘You know that.’
She does. Everything she has done beforehand has led to this point. She shuts her eyes, wilts. Her tongue is nailed to the floor of her mouth. The master takes her mink from his servant and spreads it upon the doctor’s table, fur side up. Connie knows, now, what she must do, what is expected of her. She does not resist, it is what Cliff wants, it is what she wants, what she has led him to think she wants. She steps obediently up onto the small platform by the table. Slips off her shoes and places them carefully, side by side, on the floor. Lies down gingerly, for she knows this is what Cliff has prescribed; in his precise way, he has thought this through carefully. She says nothing as the bouncer secures her wrists with iron manacles and ties them to the iron bars at her head. Surrenders, gasps. Says nothing as he trusses her up, knees bent, violently exposed, for the entire theatre to see; says nothing as the bouncer runs a finger across her, slips a digit in, grunts his approval. A dog barks, comes forward, Connie moans. The servant withdraws, too quick. Is gone.
And now. Just the master and her. He walks around the theatrical space in a circle, assessing. ‘We certainly don’t need these,’ he says suddenly, crisply, taking out a small ivory penknife and running it down the Wolford silk on each leg, snapping off the garters. Expertly, no skin is broken. Connie cannot see, can barely move, she is so bound. A tongue laps her up, once, quick. Her arse is rimmed, entered. A groan.
So ready, so ready.
‘I’ll leave you for now,’ the master says, looping the dogs’ leashes over a post by the lowest seats. Then he kisses Connie gently on the forehead, caresses her like a child being put to bed. Adjusts a surgical light so it is glaring onto her and steps away. ‘Enjoy. You are extremely lucky to have someone who allows you to be so utterly, magnificently … free.’
He is gone.
Connie hears the door shut, the panting of the dogs, the faint hum of the light. So. Utterly alone. Anonymous. Another person entirely. And waiting, wet. Within the valley of her mind; her roaring raging glittering mind. All the shaded creek pockets like crypts; the beauty and ugliness, the rawness and the want. The night feels open with possibility. How ironic this is, Connie thinks; how ironic that like so many suicides these actions can stem from nothing more than a simple desire to be good. It is the obedient, the pliant, who succumb, who always succumb. The selfish, the craven, the canny – those with the chip of ice – would never get to this point.
Yet the enthralling power of it, too. The thrilling sense of command, of being watched.
Wet, so wet, as she waits, like a spring-loaded trap ready to lock its jaws upon life. Anonymously. Entirely someone else.
8
Lock up your libraries if you like, but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt you can set upon the freedom of my mind
Connie can barely see through her sliver of silk. The banked seats are full. The animal anticipation. Cliff there somewhere, anonymous, hidden, but she can’t make him out. She is exposed, in the glary light, yet no one can discern who she is. She waits. A gong, a frisson of silence. Backs straightened, straining. A ringmaster strides in. He cracks his long whip either side of her and she gasps and flinches at the shock but is untouched. The audience cheer. Then the stirrups begin to move, mechanically, straightening her legs, forcing them apart in a violent V. The audience, primed, thunder their approval.
‘This act, my friends, this last act of the evening, is called … The Banker’s Wife.’ A roar of approval. ‘And to assist, we welcome to the floor a physician who deals with the most unusual, most delicious, most singular of situations – the esteemed Dr Ahmed. Normally, these requests are carried out in utmost privacy. But tonight you are extremely fortunate, for what you are about to witness is to be shared, by consent, with all of you.’ Roaring, stamping. ‘Now, is she good and ready, I wonder? Is she the banker’s wife – or the banker’s whore?’ He is working the crowd, revving them up. ‘Does she want this, I wonder? Let’s see, shall we?’ Clapping, cheering, whistling, jeering. ‘I can’t hear you. Shall we see, or shall we not?’ Roaring, and at that moment Connie realizes that they perceive it all as artifice, pretence, she is part of a theatrical show, one of many put on here, it is all an act, she can play a part. She surrenders; her body a receptacle for whatever Cliff has decided upon next.
The ringmaster holds out his whip, suddenly smiles, thinks twice, turns it around, and with great show of a drum roll nudges the handle inside Connie’s vagina. She’ll show him, draws it in, knows Cliff is watching somewhere close, aroused, his face unmoved yet profoundly moved and she writhes on that handle, grasping it in her muscles and working it, rhythmically working it, for she knows he wants her with others, always asks; other men, women, in a place like this; more than anything he wants this, he has told her often and she comes in a flood, the good wife, too quick, in her own private moment amid the spectacle of the crowd, his gift to her and hers to him.
As she collapses inward, with the sheer exquisiteness, a small man of great containment, neatness, steps from the shadows. The crowd hushes, expectant.