You and Your New Baby. Anna McGrail
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ended up not having a sleep in the day, and then he wasn’t sleeping well at night… it was just terrible. And I found that once I started doing things in this very strict routine – which I really resented, I didn’t like having to do it at all – things got better. I thought, “Right, ten o’clock, he’ll have a morning nap. Three o’clock, he’ll have an afternoon nap,” and I put him in his cot and he just started having them. It made a difference because I could say to people, “Oh, come round then because I know he’ll be asleep”, or whatever. I know where I stand, now.’
YET, NO MATTER how desirable a ‘routine’ may be, one thing many parents resent is the lack of spontaneity in their lives. Whether you intended to carry on as before or not, you’ll soon find you can’t.
Deirdre’s mental planning will sound familiar to you if you’ve already had your baby: ‘I’d think, right, she’s due for a feed in the next hour or so, and afterwards she’ll probably fill her nappy, so if I change her then, we could go out after that and she’ll probably have a sleep in the pram, but that means I won’t have had my lunch … Okay, if I have my lunch now – it’s about ten o’clock in the morning – that might do it. And if we spend longer there than I planned on, I’ll be in trouble if I don’t have what she needs, so I’ll have to take wipes, nappy cream, dummy, bottle of water … And then I have to organise all these and then she wakes up and I still haven’t had my lunch and this is all just to go round and have a cup of tea with a friend. How women go out to work every morning when they have babies, I just don’t know. This is what I can’t stand, not just being able to pop out and have a cup of tea when I feel like it.’
Olivia’s comments ring true too: ‘There’s a picture in a book of a father typing and this baby sitting in a bouncy chair watching him. It’s got this cheerful caption like “Let the baby join in family life!” I can just see Beatrice sitting in her chair watching while Robert studies engineering. I think images like that can build up a false picture. Especially if your baby’s not conforming to that image.’
WHEN YOUR BABY arrives, images are what you have to forget. In the mother-and-baby magazines, those are models you are looking at, with their shiny hair and their designer outfits in their polished kitchens. They aren’t real mums. Real mums have mysterious stains on their jumpers and a permanently quizzical expression, as if they’ve just forgotten which day of the week it is … which is usually because they have. And real mums have real babies.
Coping with that reality, with all its stresses and strains as well as its joys and delights, is what becoming a family is all about.
CHAPTER two Learning new skills
ONCE YOU’RE home, it often feels like people are relying on you to be the expert:
‘How is he sleeping? Good or bad?’ What’s ‘good’? What’s ‘bad’?
‘Are her feeds regular?’ What’s ‘regular’?
‘Are his nappies normal?’ How can a nappy be normal? Should I be saving it to show them, perhaps? Then they could decide whether it was normal or not.
People look on you as the expert because already, even when your baby is very tiny, no one knows him or her as well as you do. You may feel you have an impossible amount to learn, but don’t forget you have instincts, too, and these are for listening to, not ignoring.
Whatever is right for you, your partner and your baby, if it makes you all happy, then you’re being exactly the kind of parents your baby needs you to be.
SOME PARENTS find it hard to get used to handling their new babies, feeling they’re very fragile, others find it hard to put them down.
You will notice that your baby will respond much more cheerfully if you keep him held close to you and don’t lurch him from one position to another very suddenly. It’s an instinctive reaction in most of us to stroke and cuddle our babies, but keep it gentle. Save games when you hurl him madly through the air for later on in life. If it’s a toddler saying: ‘Throw me up to the sky, Daddy’, you can join in the fun. But shaking or throwing a small baby is never fun. The baby will hate it and you could seriously harm him.
Ways to pick up and hold your baby.
Remember to support his heavy head.
Baby massage
AS AN EXTENSION of the stroking and cuddling that new parents find babies love, you might like to try baby massage as a way of soothing and relaxing your baby. A massage with a bath can be very beneficial – both for parent and baby, establishing a bond between them and allowing loving non-verbal communication.
If you’re interested, you might find ads for baby massage courses in your local NCT newsletter or GP practice, as these will enable you to find out more about the techniques involved and the most soothing oils to use. Or try an introductory video as a guide.
BABIES LIKE TO BE HELD
Close to you
With their head and neck supported
Upright, looking over your shoulder
Cradled in your arms – perfect for talking
In a baby carrier or sling
Gently but firmly
With your arm around his tummy and his back against your body – it widens his horizons
A lot.
STEP BY STEP TO BATHING YOUR BABY
A calm, warm environment is essential. Choose a time when you will not have to rush, when you aren’t likely to be interrupted, and where you can get on with things in your own way and in your own time.
Make sure it’s the right time for your baby, too; that she has been fed so she isn’t screaming with hunger, and definitely do not try a bath when your baby would much rather be having a nap: she’ll scream with tiredness throughout, you’ll both end up exhausted and your baby will probably be sick in the bath-water, she’s so cross.
Baths are meant to be enjoyable for all concerned. If your baby hates them, you can probably get away with topping and tailing for a week. If your baby loves them, you can give her one every day.
Have everything ready beforehand:
- warm dry towel
- a spare warm, dry towel
- sponge
- baby shampoo If you like
- a jug containing warm water to rinse your baby’s head – don’t use the bath-water to do this – it could leave shampoo residue on your baby’s scalp and this can cause irritation.
You’ll need a small baby bath. Prepare this beforehand, too, so that everything’s ready when you undress your baby – make sure the water’s not too hot. After a couple of months, when your baby’s neck Is stronger and she’ll enjoy it more, you may like to take her in the bath with you. If you do this, have someone on stand-by to lift her out. Don’t attempt to manoeuvre her and yourself out simultaneously with both of you wet and one of you wriggly. Again, the temperature of