CAN YOU FORGIVE HER?. Anthony Trollope
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had purposed to be firm,—to yield to her in nothing, resolving to treat all that she might say as the hallucination of a sickened imagination,—as the effect of absolute want of health, for which some change in her mode of life would be the best cure. She might bid him begone in what language she would. He knew well that such was her intention. But he would not allow a word coming from her in such a way to disturb arrangements made for the happiness of their joint lives. As a loving husband would treat a wife, who, in some exceptionable moment of a melancholy malady, should declare herself unable to remain longer in her home, so would he treat her. As for accepting what she might say as his dismissal, he would as soon think of taking the fruit-trees from the southern wall because the sun sometimes shines from the north. He could not treat either his interests or hers so lightly as that.
“But what if he granted no such pardon, Alice? I will grant none such. You are my wife, my own, my dearest, my chosen one. You are all that I value in the world, my treasure and my comfort, my earthly happiness and my gleam of something better that is to come hereafter. Do you think that I shall let you go from me in that way? No, love. If you are ill I will wait till your illness is gone by; and, if you will let me, I will be your nurse.”
“I am not ill.”
“Not ill with any defined sickness. You do not shake with ague, nor does your head rack you with aching; but yet you may be ill. Think of what has passed between us. Must you not be ill when you seek to put an end to all that without any cause assigned.”
“You will not hear my reasons,”—she was still kneeling before him and looking up into his face.
“I will hear them if you will tell me that they refer to any supposed faults of my own.”
“No, no, no!”
“Then I will not hear them. It is for me to find out your faults, and when I have found out any that require complaint, I will come and make it. Dear Alice, I wish you knew how I long for you.” Then he put his hand upon her hair, as though he would caress her.
But this she would not suffer, so she rose slowly, and stood with her hand upon the table in the middle of the room. “Mr Grey—” she said.
“If you will call me so, I shall think it only a part of your malady.”
“Mr Grey,” she continued, “I can only hope that you will take me at my word.”
“Oh, but I will not; certainly I will not, if that would be adverse to my own interests.”
“I am thinking of your interests; I am, indeed;—at any rate as much as of my own. I feel quite sure that I should not make you happy as your wife,—quite sure; and feeling that, I think that I am right, even after all that has passed, to ask your forgiveness, and to beg that our engagement may be over.”
“No, Alice, no; never with my consent. I cannot tell you with what contentment I would marry you tomorrow,—tomorrow, or next month, or the month after. But if it cannot be so, then I will wait. Nothing but your marriage with some one else would convince me.”
“I cannot convince you in that way,” she said, smiling.
“You will convince me in no other. You have not spoken to your father of this as yet?”
“Not as yet.”
“Do not do so, at any rate for the present. You will own that it might be possible that you would have to unsay what you had said.”
“No; it is not possible.”
“Give yourself and me the chance. It can do no harm. And, Alice, I ask you now for no reasons. I will not ask your reasons, or even listen to them, because I do not believe that they will long have effect even on yourself. Do you still think of going to Cheltenham?”
“I have decided nothing as yet.”
“If I were you, I would go. I think a change of air would be good for you.”
“Yes; you treat me as though I were partly silly, and partly insane; but it is not so. The change you speak of should be in my nature, and in yours.”
He shook his head and still smiled. There was something in the imperturbed security of his manner which almost made her angry with him. It seemed as though he assumed so great a superiority that he felt himself able to treat any resolve of hers as the petulance of a child. And though he spoke in strong language of his love, and of his longing that she should come to him, yet he was so well able to command his feelings, that he showed no sign of grief at the communication she had made to him. She did not doubt his love, but she believed him to be so much the master of his love,—as he was the master of everything else, that her separation from him would cause him no uncontrollable grief. In that she utterly failed to understand his character. Had she known him better, she might have been sure that such a separation now would with him have carried its mark to the grave. Should he submit to her decision, he would go home and settle himself to his books the next day; but on no following day would he be again capable of walking forth among his flowers with an easy heart. He was a strong, constant man, perhaps over-conscious of his own strength; but then his strength was great. “He is perfect!” Alice had said to herself often. “Oh that he were less perfect!”
He did not stay with her long after the last word that has been recorded. “Perhaps,” he said, as for a moment he held her hand at parting, “I had better not come tomorrow.”
“No, no; it is better not.”
“I advise you not to tell your father of this, and doubtless you will think of it before you do so. But if you do tell him, let me know that you have done so.”
“Why that?”
“Because in such case I also must see him. God bless you, Alice! God bless you, dearest, dearest Alice!” Then he went, and she sat there on the sofa without moving, till she heard her father’s feet as he came up the stairs.
“What, Alice, are you not in bed yet?”
“Not yet, papa.”
“And so John Grey has been here. He has left his stick in the hall. I should know it among a thousand.”
“Yes; he has been here.”
“Is anything the matter, Alice?”
“No, papa, nothing is the matter.”
“He has not made himself disagreeable, has he?”
“Not in the least. He never does anything wrong. He may defy man or woman to find fault with him.”
“So that is it, is it? He is just a shade too good. Well, I have always thought that myself. But it’s a fault on the right side.”
“It’s no fault, Papa. If there be any fault, it is not with him. But I am yawning and tired, and I will go to bed.”
“Is he to be here tomorrow?”
“No; he returns to Nethercoats early. Good night, papa.”
Mr Vavasor, as he went up to his bedroom, felt sure that there had been something wrong between his daughter and her lover. “I don’t know how she’ll ever put up with him,” he said to himself, “he is so terribly conceited. I shall never forget how he went on about Charles Kemble, and what a fool he made of himself.”
Alice, before she went to bed, sat down and wrote a letter to her cousin Kate.
Chapter XII.
Mr George Vavasor at Home
It cannot perhaps fairly be said that George Vavasor was an unhospitable man, seeing that it was his custom to entertain his friends occasionally at Greenwich, Richmond, or such places; and he would now and again have a friend to dine with him at his