THE COMPLETE WORKS OF FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY. Федор Достоевский
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I looked for my uncle in the garden, by the pond in the most secluded spot. He was with Nastenka. Seeing me, Nastenka shot into the bushes as though she were in fault. My uncle came to meet me with a beaming face; there were tears of happiness in his eyes. He took both my hands and warmly pressed them.
“My dear,” he said, “I still cannot believe in my happiness… . Nastya feels the same. We only marvel and glorify the Almighty. She was crying just now. Would you believe it, I hardly know what I am doing yet, I am still utterly beside myself, and don’t know whether to believe it or not! And why has this come to me? Why? What have I done? How have I deserved it?”
“If anyone deserves anything, it is you, uncle,” I said with conviction. “I have never seen such an honest, such a fine, such a kindhearted man as you.”
“No, Seryozha, no, it is too much,” he answered, as it were with regret. “What is bad is that we are kind (I am talking only about myself really) when we are happy; but when we are unhappy it is best not to come near us! Nastenka and I were only just talking of that. Though I was dazzled by Foma, up to this very day perhaps, would you believe it, I did not quite believe in him, though I did assure you of his perfection; even yesterday I did not believe in him when he refused such a present! To my shame I say it. My heart shudders at the memory of this morning, but I could not control myself… . When he spoke of Nastya something seemed to stab me to the very heart. I did not undei stand and behaved like a tiger… .”
“Well, uncle, perhaps that was only natural.”
My uncle waved away the idea.
“No, no, my boy, don’t say so. The fact of it is, all this comes from the depravity of my nature, from my being a gloomy and sensual egoist and abandoning myself to my passions without restraint. That’s what Foma says.” (What could one answer to that?) “You don’t know, Seryozha,” he went on with deep feeling, “how often I have been irritable, unfeeling, unjust, haughty, and not only to Foma. Now it has all come back to my mind, and I feel ashamed that I have done nothing hitherto to deserve such happiness. Nastya has just said the same thing, though I really don’t know what sins she has, as she is an angel, not a human being! She has just been saying that we owe a terrible debt of gratitude to God; that we must try now to be better and always to be doing good deeds… . And if only you had heard how fervently, how beautifully she said all that! My God, what a wonderful girl!”
He stopped in agitation. A minute later he went on.
“We resolved, my dear boy, to cherish Foma in particular, mamma and Tatyana Ivanovna. Tatyana Ivanovna! What a generous-hearted creature! Oh, how much I have been to blame towards all of them! I have behaved badly to you too… . But if anyone ihould dare to insult Tatyana Ivanovna now, oh! then… . Oh, well, never mind! … We must do something for Mizintchikov too.”
“Yes, uncle, I have changed my opinion of Tatyana Ivanovna now. One cannot help respecting her and feeling for her.”
“Just so, just so,” my uncle assented warmly. “One can’t help respecting her! Now Korovkin, for instance, no doubt you laugh at him,” he added, glancing at me timidly, “and we all laughed at him this afternoon. And yet, you know, that was perhaps unpardonable… . You know, he may be an excellent, goodhearted man, but fate … he has had misfortunes… . You don’t believe it, but perhaps it really is so.”
“No, uncle, why shouldn’t I believe it?”
And I began fervently declaring that even in the creature who has fallen lowest there may still survive the finest human feelings; that the depths of the human soul are unfathomable; that we must not despise the fallen, but on the contrary ought to seek them out and raise them up; that the commonly accepted standards of goodness and morality were not infallible, and so on, and so on; in fact I warmed up to the subject, and even began talking about the realist school. In conclusion I even repeated the verses: ‘When from dark error’s subjugation’ …”
My uncle was extraordinarily delighted.
“My dear, my dear,” he said, much touched, “you understand me fully, and have said much better than I could what I wanted to express. Yes, yes! Good heavens! Why is it man is wicked? Why is it that I am so often wicked when it is so splendid, so fine to be good? Nastya was saying the same thing just now… . But look, though, what a glorious place this is,” he added, looking round him. “What scenery! What a picture! What a tree! Look: you could hardly get your arms round it. What sap! What foliage! What sunshine! How gay everything is, washed clean after the storm! … One would think that even the trees understand something, have feeling and enjoyment of life. … Is that out of the question — eh? What do you think?”
“It’s very likely they do, uncle, in their own way, of course. …”
“Oh, yes, in their own way, of course… . Marvellous, marvellous is the Creator! You must remember all this garden very well, Seryozha; how you used to race about and play in it when you were little! I remember, you know, when you were little,” he added, looking at me with an indescribable expression of love and happiness. “You were not allowed to go to the pond alone. But do you remember one evening dear Katya called you to her and began fondling you… . You had been running in the garden just before, and were flushed; your hair was so fair and curly… . She kept playing with it, and said: ‘It is a good thing that you have taken the little orphan to live with us!’ Do you remember?”
“Faintly, uncle.”
“It was evening, and you were both bathed in the glow of sunset, I was sitting in a corner smoking a pipe and watching you. … I drive into the town every month to her grave…,” he added, dropping his voice, which quivered with suppressed tears. “I was just speaking to Nastya about it; she said we would go together. …”
My uncle paused, trying to control his emotion. At that instant Vidoplyasov came up to us.
“Vidoplyasov!” said my uncle, starting. “Have you come from Foma Fomitch?”
“No, I have come more on my own affairs.”
“Oh, well, that’s capital. Now we shall hear about Korovkin. I wanted to inquire. … I told him to look after him — Korovkin I mean. What’s the matter, Vidoplyasov?”
“I make bold to remind you,” said Vidoplyasov, “that yesterday you were graciously pleased to refer to my petition and to promise me your noble protection from the daily insults I receive.”
“Surely you are not harping on your surname again?” cried my uncle in alarm.
“What can I do? Hourly insults …”
“Oh, Vidoplyasov, Vidoplyasov! What am I to do with you?” said my uncle in distress. “Why, what insults can you have to put up with? You will simply go out of your mind. You will end your days in a madhouse!”
“I believe I am in my right mind …” Vidoplyasov was beginning.
“Oh, of course, of course,” my uncle interposed. “I did not say that to offend you, my boy, but for your good. Why, what sort of insults do you complain of? I am ready to bet that it is only some nonsense.”
“They won’t let me pass.”
“Who interferes with you?”
“They all do, and chiefly owing to Matryona. My life is a misery through her. It is well known that all discriminating people who have seen me from my childhood up have said that I am exactly like a foreigner, especially in the features of the face. Well, sir, now they won’t let me pass on account of it. As soon as I go by, they all shout all sorts of bad words after me; even the little children, who ought to be whipped, shout after me. … As I came along here now they shouted… . I can’t stand it. Defend me, sir, with your protection!”
“Oh, Vidoplyasov! Well, what did they shout? No doubt it was some foolishness that you ought not to notice.”
“It would not be proper to repeat.”
“Why,