How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths About Straight Wives. Bonnie Kaye
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course, hindsight is 20/20, and now I totally see all of the red flags/missed signs that were so recognizable. But, at the time, it is truly the furthest thing from your mind. You are completely, genuinely not even entertaining any thoughts about the man you are dating being ‘gay.’
I wasn’t too alarmed that my husband didn’t hunt, fish, golf, or play sports…some men aren’t into those things. But, he didn’t even like to watch any sports. So much so that he set the favorites channels setup on the TV’s in our house to skip all of the sports networks completely. Normally if a woman walks through the den on a Saturday and her husband is on the couch watching television, he’s watching a sporting event. Mine would watch the “gingerbread cookie baking contest” on the Food Network. I always said, “He was a great girlfriend-just not a husband.” He loved to go shopping with me and was a great ‘girlfriend’ type companion. He was extremely vain – staring into the mirrors a lot – constantly grooming himself. He hated the hair on his back, and he would go and get it waxed off. Once he even had his eyebrows waxed. He loved pedicures and manicures too. When he would sit, he’d cross his legs like a woman. He was very animated while talking and full of lively conversation. He loved visiting with the ladies in the neighborhood too – totally fit right in with ‘girl’ talk.
I was extremely naïve and didn’t realize till much later that in fact, my husband had only married me to keep up the presumption of being a heterosexual male – with a wife and child, etc. I truly believe he never did love me. To him, I was just what he needed; a single, hardworking, educated professional from a good family that could offer the perfect ‘front’ for him. My sister told me, a year later, that the first time she and her husband had met Mabrey that they turned to each other and asked, “Do you think he’s gay?” I remember when I told my father that Mabrey was gay, he responded with, “Well, that doesn’t surprise me.” No one seemed to be surprised. It’s like everyone knew and saw all of the red flags, except for me.
Blame Was the Name of His Game
Being blamed unfairly by your husband for his being gay is one of the hardest things. It truly does a number on your self-esteem. My husband was a very negative person, constantly putting me down. Nothing about me or anything I did was right. It was always my fault. He always made me feel as if I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough. He did everything he could to belittle me and blame me unfairly for his depression and sadness for not being able to live authentically and be honest about who he was.
At the time when your husband is blaming you, you do truly believe that it’s your fault. Looking back, it is ridiculous to think about how I believed for a second any excuse he gave me. But while you are living it, you take it hook, line and sinker – and allow it to chisel away at your self-esteem piece by piece until you feel no self-worth. It’s a little embarrassing to admit now the excuses he gave – that I actually believed – but it’s important that I share openly so other women in my position will realize how ridiculous the blame game can be.
While we dated, my husband and I shared passionate French kisses, just like most couples do. Literally the night after we were married – the French kissing stopped – completely. He never would French kiss again, never. I mean seriously, no open mouth whatsoever. He just puckered lips closed for a peck on the lips or cheek from that moment forward. Of course I found this extremely odd. I would try to kiss him passionately, but his lips would remain closed tightly. Finally after numerous embarrassing attempts, I asked him why he would not French kiss me anymore. He replied, “Well, it’s because you have bad breath.” I reminded him that I had tried to French kiss him numerous days/times and he wasn’t willing. How could my breath be a problem when he’d never mentioned it before, ever? He again said that I had bad breath and with that he never, ever, ever French kissed me again.
Basically from that moment forward the only type of kiss I got was a quick, tight-lipped, ‘peck’ on the cheek. Then if I begged for a kiss on the lips, it was a quick, tight-lipped, ‘peck’ on the lips – with both of our lips closed.
Sex Tells It All
I have always considered myself a very sexual, loving, affectionate woman. I always enjoyed intimacy, especially in the context of an intimate, loving relationship. I had always hoped to be in a marriage where my husband enjoyed making love to me. There was obviously some chemistry when I met my husband and we enjoyed what I thought was a normal, dating relationship. When we married, our sex life changed almost instantly – or should I say almost ‘ended’ instantly. It was so bizarre. My husband immediately began making excuses why he would not even sleep in the same bed or room with me. He said that it was because I snored at night.
That was his excuse – it was all my fault. I snored, so he started sleeping in the guest bedroom, and we didn’t have sex. If I would ask him to come to bed with me, make love, then he could go sleep in the guest room there was always another excuse; he had a ‘stomach ache’ or a ‘headache’ or he was ‘too tired’-- all the classic excuses. He even started blaming me more – trying to make me feel bad – saying that I had too strong of a sexual appetite that he just couldn’t satisfy. I was thinking, “A strong sexual appetite – are you kidding? I’m only asking for sex a minimum of once a month – we’re newlyweds.” It was so bizarre. I was made to feel like some sex addict while he never cared to have sex again. It made me question myself and feel guilty for asking him for intimacy.
How I Caught Him
I was nine months pregnant and two weeks before delivering our baby. My husband had me sleeping in the guest bedroom that summer, since he couldn’t sleep with me in my ‘condition.’ I was up and down to the bathroom while he needed his rest for work each day. Besides, we had slept in separate bedrooms since we married because he said I snored and he couldn’t sleep with me. Sometimes when I would wake up in the night to go to the bathroom, I would see his bedroom light on from down the hall. If I walked in and saw him at the computer, he immediately would jump and click ‘home’ to get off the webpage he was on. The next day I decided to get online on the computer and see if the ‘history’ would tell me what website he was on when I walked in late at night. In my thoughts I remember dreading finding out he was looking at pornography – naked women or men/women having sex. Boy was I in for a surprise… I would have loved to have only seen naked women on the website he was viewing – instead it was only naked men in sex acts with each other. My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. Surely this was an “accident” and not something he looked at intentionally. Not my husband… the one who never kissed me or wanted sex…The one who never participated in any sports, hunting, fishing or golfing. Not him – how could this be?
As I studied the history on the computer Internet, I was so shocked to see that night after night, for hours – he was viewing totally gay pornography online. He obviously didn’t know about the “clear history” choice on the computer. I was able to see days, weeks and months back of all his viewing. I wrote down all the different website addresses – there were probably about 30 to 40 different ones. I wrote down the dates, times, and for how long he viewed each website. Some of the websites required paid subscriptions. WOW! Can you imagine, two weeks from delivering our baby and I am sitting at the computer viewing this – realizing that my husband is obviously “gay.” However, I knew that if I confronted him that night he would simply deny it and claim it was a one-time mistake. So, I decided to clear the history myself (after recording everything on paper) and pretend I knew nothing. I pretended that nothing was wrong or that I had found out anything.
Each night I would say good night to him, I’d go to the guest bedroom and he in the master bedroom with the computer – all the while knowing he’d be up viewing his gay porn. Each day after he’d go to work I’d log online, view the history from the night before, record the website addresses, times, hours he viewed, and then clear the history again. I did this everyday for two months. I knew then that I had plenty of proof that this was not an accident, and I was ready to confront him.
We had a two-month old baby. I was on maternity leave, a brand new mommy, and breast-feeding. He lost his job, and I would have to cut short my maternity leave to go back to teaching to support us. I told