The Expectant Father. Armin A. Brott
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about fertility treatments? Would you consider artificial insemination using your sperm? Would you consider using donor sperm? How about in vitro (test tube) fertilization? What about using donor eggs? And if you do use any kind of technology, are you prepared to parent twins or more? Don’t try to resolve anything in a single conversation.
Birth Defects
If one of the tests discussed earlier in this chapter indicates that your baby will be born deformed or with any kind of serious disorder, you and your partner have some serious discussions ahead of you. There are two basic options for dealing with birth defects in an unborn child: keep the baby or terminate the pregnancy. Fortunately, you and your partner won’t have to make this decision on your own; every hospital that administers diagnostic tests has specially trained genetic counselors who will help you sort through the options.
There’s no question that the availability of genetic testing has changed the landscape with regard to birth defects. Two recent studies analyzed birth data from a fifteen- to twenty-year period. One found a slight increase in the number of Down syndrome births, the other a slight decrease. As we’ve discussed, more and more women are putting off childbirth. And since women over thirty-five are about five times more likely than those in their twenties to have a Down syndrome baby, researchers would have expected the number of births to double. The reason that didn’t happen is quite simple: with genetic testing able to identify Down syndrome babies very early in the pregnancy, many couples are choosing abortion. If you’re considering terminating the pregnancy for genetic reasons, remember that communicating clearly and effectively with your partner is probably the most important thing you can do during this stressful time. The decision you make should not be taken lightly—it’s a choice that will last a lifetime—and you and your partner must fully agree before proceeding with either option. But ultimately, your partner should make the final decision.
Coping with Your Grief
If you and your partner choose to terminate your pregnancy or reduce the number of fetuses, or if the pregnancy ends in miscarriage, the emotional toll can be devastating. That’s why it’s critical for the two of you to seek out the emotional support you’re entitled to as soon as possible. While there’s nothing that can be done to prepare for or prevent a miscarriage, telling your partner how you feel—either alone or with a member of the clergy, a therapist, or a close friend—is very important. And don’t just sit back and wait for her to tell you what she’s feeling. Take the initiative: be supportive and ask a lot of questions.
Avoid the temptation to try to “fix” things. You can’t. And don’t try to console your wife with statements like, “We can always have another one.” Your intentions are good, but it won’t go over well.
You and your partner do not have to handle your grief by yourselves: counseling and support are available to both women and men who have lost a fetus through miscarriage, genetic termination, or selective reduction. Going to a support group can be a particularly important experience for men—especially those who aren’t getting the support they need from their friends and family. Many men who attend support groups report that until they joined the group, no one had ever asked how they felt about their loss. The group setting can also give men the chance to escape the loneliness and isolation and stop being strong for their partners for a few minutes and grieve for themselves. If you’d like to find a support group, your doctor or the genetic counselors can refer you to the closest one—or the one that might be most sympathetic to men’s concerns.
Some men, however, are not at all interested in getting together with a large group of people who have little in common but tragedy. If you feel this way, be sure to explain your feelings tactfully to your partner—she may feel quite strongly that you should be there with her and might feel rejected if you aren’t. If you ultimately decide not to join a support group, don’t try to handle things alone; talk to your partner, your doctor, your cleric, or a sympathetic friend, or read—and maybe contribute to—some of the blogs that deal with grief from the dad’s perspective. Keeping your grief bottled up will only hinder the healing process.
Spreading the Word
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOUR PARTNER
Physically
• Fatigue, morning sickness, breast tenderness, and other early pregnancy symptoms are beginning to disappear
• Continuing moodiness
• She doesn’t look pregnant yet, but she’s having trouble fitting into her clothes anyway
Emotionally
• Heightened sense of reality about the pregnancy from hearing the baby’s heartbeat
• Continuing ambivalence about the pregnancy and wondering how she’s ever going to get through the next six months
• Frustration and/or excitement over her thickening waistline
• Turning inward—beginning to focus on what’s happening inside her
• Beginning to bond with the baby
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THE BABY
By now, the little fetus looks pretty much like a real person—except that he or she (even a really sharp ultrasound technician would be hard pressed to tell you which) is only about two or three inches long, weighs less than an ounce, and has translucent skin and a gigantic head (although “gigantic” is a relative term—it’s roughly the size of a grape now). All the internal organs are there. Teeth, fingernails, toenails, and hair are developing nicely, and the brain is not far behind. By the end of this month, the baby will be breathing amniotic fluid and will be able to curl its toes, turn its head, open and close its mouth, and even frown.
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU
A Heightened Sense of Reality
During the third month, the pregnancy begins to feel a little more tangible. By far the biggest reality booster for me was hearing the baby’s heartbeat, even though it didn’t sound anything like a real heart at all (more like a fast hoosh-hoosh-hoosh). Somehow, having the doctor tell us that what we were hearing was really a heartbeat—and a healthy one at that—was mighty reassuring.
Ambivalence
Most expectant dads have moments—or weeks or months—when they’re less than completely excited about the pregnancy. Some are petrified that something terrible will happen to their partner or the baby, or that they’ll be stuck in traffic on the way to the hospital and they’ll have to deliver the baby all by themselves on the side of the road. Some see the whole thing as an inconvenience, or a never-ending suck of time and money. Others don’t like the idea that they might lose their sex life, their youth, their independence, their friends, their savings, and that coveted spot at the center of their partner’s universe. A lot of times these feelings of ambivalence or lack of interest are followed by guilt—for not being more supportive or not being a better spouse—or fear that these less-than-warm-and-fuzzy feelings are a surefire sign that you’ll be a lousy dad. Give yourself a break, will you?
There are a number of factors that can increase or decrease these feelings of ambivalence:
• Is your partner the woman of your dreams, or were you pressured into your relationship? Similarly, is this the relationship of a lifetime, or do you have a feeling that it’s not going to last?
• Are you totally ready to be a dad, or do you feel that you were pressured into the pregnancy? Have you accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish at this stage of your life, or are you sitting on a bunch of unfulfilled dreams?
• Are you financially ready (whatever that means to you) for fatherhood, or are you worried about money?
As you can probably guess, the more ambivalence you feel, the less you’ll be involved during the rest of the pregnancy and after your baby is born.
Feeling