CONFESSIONS OF A CORPORATE SHAMAN. Harrison Snow
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years. Fortunately, the opportunity for self-renewal comes with the effort to be self-aware.
Strengthening Your Sense of Self
Psychotherapist Virginia Satir developed some of the basic concepts for family systems therapy. One of Satir’s principles is, “We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us.”7 Until we define and affirm our own core self, we may tend to be overly influenced by others, vainly trying to please everyone but ourselves. Lord Tennyson, the poet laureate of Great Britain and Ireland during Queen Victoria’s reign, described in a letter how he tapped into his creative spirit by affirming his sense of self. “This (state) has often come upon me through repeating my own name to myself silently, till, all at once out of the intensity and conscious of the individuality, the individuality itself seems to dissolve and fade away into boundless being . . .“8
Tennyson was on to something that relates to the concept of “kenosis,” a word from ancient Greece used by early Christians to connote the emptying of the self. A more modern phrasing is to “get out of your own way.”
Getting out of your own way occurs when you let go of the hyper-mental state called being too self-consciousness. This inner movement enables you to respond to the needs of the moment with an emergent knowing. Paradoxically, this getting your “finite self” out of the way starts with a healthy sense of one’s individual existence. Vedic masters, like Sri Ramana Maharshi, believed focusing on the felt-sense of “I am” was the gateway from individual to universal awareness. Whether or not you are a poet, a mystic, or a business leader, it is empowering to strengthen the internal sense of your own being. Personal empowerment requires a self to empower. The following exercise for self-strengthening comes from a workshop conducted by family therapist Skip Ellis.9
Place a hand on your chest. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Go within and find the felt-sense of your essence, however you experience it. Think or say quietly from that place deep within yourself:
You can add lines like the following:
Smile to yourself and feel the essential essence of being you. Don’t worry if this exercise brings up some difficult feelings. Breaking the habit of looking to others for self-referral or validation might not be comfortable. It can take practice to locate that good feeling of being you just for yourself without relying on anyone or anything else. A resilient sense of self is the inner foundation to stand on when interacting with a challenging person or group. It is your home base when events threaten to throw you off balance.
A strong emotional reaction can cause you to lose your sense of self in the present moment. A simple practice of somatically checking in with your “self-essence” during the day strengthens your gravitas and “groundedness.” A healthy sense of self is the summation of who you are and what you stand for. It lies underneath the constant mind stream of random thoughts. This felt-sense is the mindfulness that gives you the wherewithal to resist peer pressure and “speak truth to power.” (This phrase is related to civil disobedience that may have come from the Quakers or the African-American community.) Even when interacting with strong personalities, you can stay connected to who you are and what you believe. This exercise is especially helpful for those who tend to focus all their energies externally on others. Saving some of that energy to focus on your inner self enables you to hold on to you while still extending yourself to others.
I and Thou
A favorite book of mine is I and Thou by the Jewish mystic Martin Buber.10 Buber’s theme is that a relationship can be one of engagement and presence—that is, I and Thou—or one of objectification for utilization or gratification—I and It. Obviously the former requires more from us spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally. The more we bring to our “meeting” with the “other,” truly seeing and relating, the more there is the fullness of an authentic relationship. A networking event where people shake hands while looking around for someone who is a better contact typifies an I and It relationship. The opposite of that distracted handshake is an intimate, often unexpected, moment where you truly see the other and in turn are seen. A chance meeting with a stranger on a bus or chatting with a family member while washing the dishes may unexpectedly offer the nurturing space of I and Thou.
Something Buber does not dwell on, however, is the tendency of some to indiscriminately and unconsciously relate to others in the mode of I and Thou. The term “unskilled empath,” coined by Rose Rosetree, a workshop leader and author, describes this trait.11 If you are an unskilled empath, too often you lose your sense of self as you listen attentively to the unrestrained chatter of another. Afterward you feel tired and burdened with emotions that are not your own. Rose suggests one antidote is to consciously and selectively relate from the perspective of I and It. The habitual I and Thou relater is not obligated to always feel what others are feeling. Adjusting this inner relating from a “Thou” to an “It” enables the empathic person to consciously maintain the energetic boundaries that define a healthy sense of self.
Other subtle aspects affect the quality of how we relate to each other. According to Thomas Hübl, a German mystic who resides in Israel, we are so busy with our own internal stories we cannot see with fresh eyes the people in front of us. Their essence is revealed when we let go of our preconceptions based on the past. Intimacy happens in moments that transcend time or past experience. If we view life like a professional moviemaker views a movie, according to Hübl, we sense the backstory that underlies each scene. A part of us becomes the observer who does not get lost in the drama being acted out.12 That space of the observer is where the use of self and the knowing field intersect.
I Have a Job?
Not too long ago I was talking to a longtime friend on the phone. She mentioned that a mutual acquaintance of ours was struggling. “You are doing better,” she told me, “because you have a good job.” Her declaration took me back. I have a job? I thought. “It’s not really about the job,” I replied to my friend. “Jobs come and go. What I have is a mission.”
When I got out of graduate school, I spent a year looking for a job during a recession. It was embarrassing. Every time I met someone the first question I was asked was, “What do you do?” or “Where do you work?” Not having a ready answer my self-identify—and my self-esteem along with it—took many hits during my protracted job search. At some point I decided that who I was could not be dependent on the job I held. Why tie my sense of self to something that was bound to change? Ironically, when I finally joined a company, the question “What do you do?” no longer came up so frequently. Later, when I started my own firm, that unconditional sense of myself provided a grounded place to stand on that helped draw in clients. My sense of self gained more gravitas when I defined my mission. During a workshop with a group called the Mankind Project, I realized my mission was to foster a peaceful and productive world by facilitating change and transformation.13 This realization was the compass I would use to follow my passion. Whether a group loved how I worked with them or not, at