Becoming an Invitational Leader. William W Purkey
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highway. When he went to get the car jack, he remembered he had taken it out of the car and had not replaced it. He recalled that there was a farm house about a half-mile away, and even though it was late at night he decided to walk to the farm house to borrow a jack from the farmer. As he walked he kept talking to himself about how angry the awakened farmer would be and how dumb he would feel for even asking. His self-talk continued as he walked up the path to the front door. He knocked on the door loudly, and the upstairs room lit up. The farmer leaned out the window and shouted: “What do you want?” The young man’s reply was immediate: “Keep your damned jack! I’ll figure out another way to fix my tire.”
Internal dialogue can be productive or counter-productive.
As highly esteemed behavioral researcher Shad Helmstetter explains, all of us talk to ourselves all the time. We are thinking machines that never shut down: “At times our self-talk comes in feelings that can’t quite be put into words. At other times it comes in little flashes, flickers of thought which never quite catch fire or glow bright enough or last long enough to become ideas, clearly thought out and understood.” It is this inner voice that allows us to respond to and actively manipulate both our internal and external environments.
The more intentional our thinking, as measured by clearly articulated, internal dialogue, the more likely it is to be acted upon. This hypothesis has been supported in our own research, with the help of our esteemed associates Stacy Hockaday and Keith Davis. Together, we found that by re-framing general, internal cognitions into clearly stated internal dialogue, individuals are in a better position to reach their goals and are more likely to do so.
Surprisingly, internal dialogue is that part of human consciousness that has been neglected by those who have written about leadership. Far more books have been written about understanding and controlling the outer world than on how to understand and control the inner self. The fact that internal cognitions serve as a guide for action has been largely overlooked. The whispering self seeks to fill this void. Invitational Leadership is in large part the product of internal dialogue regarding what we say to ourselves, about ourselves, others, and the world.
Defining the Whispering Self
Many names have been used to describe this hushed inner voice, including: self-talk, internal dialogue, inner-conversations, self-referent thought, concealed verbalizations, private speech, intro-communication, inner voice, personal cognitions, self-statements, and covert conversation. But whatever term we ascribe to this inner speech, it is clear that the whispering self is a vital part of the total thinking process in human consciousness. It arises the moment we think of something, most often with the aid of language to articulate it.
Carlos Castaneda, in his book A Separate Reality, explains the nature of the whispering self this way: “The world is such-and-such or so-and-so because we tell ourselves that is the way it is . . . you talk to yourself. You’re not unique in that. Every one of us does that. We carry on internal talk . . . in fact we maintain our world with our internal talk.” In a very special way each person is both subject and object. The whispering self is both speaker and listener.
A graphic description of how the whispering serves as both subject and object, speaker and listener, was provided by Steven Callahan, who was adrift for seventy-six days on a tiny float following the sinking of his sailboat. Here is how Callahan, alone in a vast ocean, described talking to and listening to himself: “Maintaining discipline becomes more difficult each day. My fearsome and fearful crew mutter mutinous misgivings within the fo’c’s’le of my head. Their spokesman yells at me. ‘Water, Captain! We need more water. Would you have us die here, so close to port? What is a pint or two? We’ll soon be in port. We can surely spare a pint. . . .’ ‘Shut up!’ I order. ‘We don’t know how close we are, might have to last to the Bahamas. Now, get back to work.’” This saga describes how a brave man’s determined intentionality in the face of insurmountable hardships leads to eventual rescue.
The way we use language — and the language we use — gives structure to our perceptual worlds. Although thinking can occur without language, the words we use greatly enhance thinking and influence behavior. Simply stated, the way to change the self is to change the self’s internal dialogue.
Internal dialogue seems so commonplace that it is almost akin to background music. Yet this inner voice is a potent force for good and ill, for it guides and controls overt behavior. As Csikszentmihalyi explained, “People who learn to control inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their lives, which is as close as any of us come to being happy.” It is thought escaping into the open where it can be crystallized into recognizable self-talk and evaluated for its positive or negative messages. By listening and controlling this subtle inner narration, Invitational Leadership reveals itself.
Healthy and Unhealthy Whispers
The whispering self can be our dear friend or mortal enemy. No one is immune to this constructive or destructive voice. Sometimes this hushed inner voice is accurate and rational. At other times it speaks in innuendo, half-truths, and gets lost in irrationality.
Healthy Whispers
In a healthy person the internal whispers are highly beneficial. They murmur of success, assurance, fulfillment, and provide a large measure of control over both feelings and actions. Scholars who have written about the nature of the self generally agree that individuals who define themselves in essentially positive ways tend to be open to experience, are more willing to disclose their feelings and face the world with confidence and assurance. In the healthy individual this positive inner voice is moderated by realistic assessment. An example of positive and realistic internal dialogue was shared by a friend:
I used to think that I was a failure if I did not have a big home, fine car, and money in the bank. Now I realize that I may never have these things, and that’s O.K. I have many other things that make me a success, including good health, dear friends, and a loving family.
Another friend commented:
After not getting a new position, I became very depressed. I felt that I must have done something wrong during the interview not to have gotten the promotion. I kept thinking to myself that I had messed up. My wife suggested that it is entirely possible that I could have had a great interview and still not have gotten the position. Perhaps the person chosen just had more experience. This thought helped me to think about the situation in a whole new light.
Growing numbers of research studies have identified the beneficial effects of positive belief systems manifested in self-talk. The research of Scheier and Carver, Seligman, and others suggests that an optimistic belief system results in better academic performance in the classroom, better performance on the athletic field, and better physical health.
A delightfully optimistic approach to life was portrayed in Life With Father by Clarence Day: “Father declared he was going to buy a new plot in the cemetery, a plot all for himself. ‘And I’ll buy on a corner,’ he added triumphantly, ‘where I can get out!’ Mother looked at him, startled but admiring and whispered to me, ‘I almost believe he could do it,’” Father’s upbeat, optimistic outlook on life and beyond serves as an example of invitational thinking in action.
Here are some examples of healthy self-talk:
“There are some things that I’m not good at.”
“I enjoy challenges.”
“I like the way I look.”
“I trust my feelings.”
“I’m a responsible person.”
“I’ve got a good head on my shoulders.”
“I’m optimistic about the future.”
“I find some things difficult.”
“Most people like me.”
“I respect myself.”
These