20 Something Manifesto. Christine Hassler
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lost in comparison land. What happened to my nice evening out?
The twenty-something experience is full of limitless options and choices with no guarantees. Growing up, today’s young adults are exposed to an expansive world: they can leap nations and cultures in a single bound, and new forms of entertainment and technology multiply career possibilities almost infinitely. Yet as possibilities expand, contentment and a sense of direction among the twenty-something generation contracts. Being told “You can do and be anything you want” has become more of a pressure cooker of expectations than a motivational quote. And when you do make a choice about any aspect of your life, how do you know it will be both appetizing and satisfying? You don’t. And living in this Cheesecake Factory world makes that reality harder to swallow.
“I feel like the window to my future is all fogged up. Every time I wipe it in order to see it, it fogs up within seconds. I feel like I have all the options in the world — like life is one big multiple choice and I want to pick (d), all of the above.”
Bartender, 25, recovering from a breakup, Ontario, Canada
My solution, when I go to the Cheesecake Factory now, is that I don’t take a menu. That’s right — I refuse it. I have found one dish in the encyclopedia of food they call a menu that I like and I always order that. Why stress myself out with more choices? I order what I know I will enjoy and don’t fret over what I am missing out on. When, if ever, I get sick of the Herbed Salmon Salad (because I know you are curious), then I may entertain the idea of taking a look at the menu to investigate a little more — but I will never try to sample everything on the menu, it’s just impossible.
The same is true in life. Sometimes you just have to decide and be content with your decision, otherwise you will continue to be overwhelmed by possibilities and torn between the reality of what you have and the fantasy in your head that you think would be better. You know what is very interesting about the letters and emails I get from twenty somethings? There is always at least one complaint. Something is always wrong — and I am not being critical here, because believe me, I earned a PhD in complaining in my twenties. To me, the overfocusing on what is wrong is a direct result of the checklists and plans twenty-somethings feel pressured to create, coupled with Cheesecake Factory paralysis. It is challenging for today’s twenty somethings to be content in a world of endless choices and expectations.
“FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD” by Jennifer, 25
DECLARATION: My fear is the constant wonder whether or notwhat I’m doing with my twenty-something years is right.
I think about where I’m going a lot as a twenty something. I wonder, what will my life look like in six months? A year? Five years? I think about the choices I’m making. I feel paralyzed by all the options I have regarding decisions I have to make. I question whether or not I’m “doing enough.” I compare my life to those of others, wondering if I might be “missing something” that will help me “get somewhere” quicker or with more meaning. I wonder if I really am making valuable connections and networks that will help shape my future career.
Working for a leadership institute, I hear amazing women tell their career success stories every day. While they’re inspiring and full of amazing advice, it’s somewhat terrifying to think about all the things I’m supposed to be doing in order to “get somewhere” successful: “Follow your passions, live your dreams, take risks, network with the right people, find mentors, be financially responsible, volunteer, work, think about or go to grad school, fall in love, and maintain personal well-being, mental health, and nutrition.” When is there time to just be and enjoy, especially when the cycle is doing, going, sleeping, eating, networking? Then there are fears that are largely irrational, and that I know I can and will overcome, but still stick inside my head. My fears come from constantly wondering whether or not what I’m doing with my twenty-something years, while okay, is really me. Maybe I’m not doing the “right” things that are leading me where I think I might want to or should go. The tricky part is quieting the fear, trusting the process in a competitive world, getting ahead, and being patient.
I liken the twenty-something years to the yellow brick road. Possibility lies ahead. There are twists and turns that can throw you backward, make you think differently, or give you insight and perspective into what it is you might really want and strive for. You never really know where the road is going to lead. You make choices that are hard to make because you never know if they are “right,” but you can’t turn back. And it’s scary.
And so far my twenty-something years have been, well, kind of ordinary. I had some expectation that they would be more exciting, more revealing, or more inspiring. But they haven’t been . . . so I’ve learned that I have to laugh at life, no matter how ordinary it is, and constantly look for opportunities to learn.
There Is No “Right” Thing
Unless you are breaking a legal or moral law, purposely hurting someone, or lying — forget about doing the “right” thing. Seriously, there is no such thing as “right” or “wrong” in terms of what you are doing in your twenty-something years. As long as we are committed to learning from our experiences, there are no mistakes! And life is like the yellow brick road — there are many surprises ahead, but eventually we do get home. When? Not when we hit thirty (trust me, I’m there). It happens when we take our last breath on this planet. If we really understand now that our entire life is about learning, we can free ourselves from having to be “right.”
Like Jennifer, perhaps you worry about “making valuable connections and networks that will help shape your future career.” You know what? As long as we are interacting and engaging with other people in the world, we are making connections. Developing strong interpersonal skills and creating a network of colleagues and friends who support our growth helps us in life. Every interaction or connection does not have to have a “point” or a “result.” Just because someone may not be able to help your immediate career advancement does not mean the person is not a valuable connection. Cultivating relationships is just as valuable as “networking”! When we consistently look for opportunities to learn from people and events, an “ordinary” life can indeed become extraordinary.
“Too many options are making me indecisive. I feel that because I have been told ‘you can do anything,’ I must explore everything and feel pressure to make the right choices every time.”
Student, 21, single, Tennessee
Do You Get Inspired and Then Feel Bad?
Another quandary twenty somethings get into is finding inspiration but then quickly becoming deflated. Jennifer admitted in her story that career success stories she hears are momentarily inspiring but then leave her feeling like she should be doing more. Inspire means “to influence, move, or guide”; it does not mean “get motivated for five minutes and then start beating yourself up for not being more like the person who just inspired you.” Are you guilty of tainting inspiration with self-judgment? Inspiration is supposed to be full of light, coming from something divine. As soon as we add comparison, we make it dark, and what was at first positive becomes negative.
When we wander into comparison land, any opportunity for learning vanishes and we miss out on valuable information. Also, when we compare ourselves to people who are older and have more experience, we can forget we each need to follow our own yellow brick road. I struggled with comparing myself to my coach, Mona, who I think is brilliant, funny, and the most consistently at-peace person I’ve met. Thankfully, she lovingly scolded me for comparing and reminded me that we all have our own unique purpose. Now I am able to be inspired by her, which opens up my heart and mind to learn from her and allows me to be me.
GET INSPIRED
Next time you feel that wonderful feeling of inspiration — STOP! Allow yourself to truly enjoy that feeling without jumping into a cycle of