The Trespassers. Morris Panych
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had it in for my grandfather.
CASH wears a security guard uniform from the local Museum of Forestry.
CASH
And that is also not true.
LOWELL
It’s all very psychological.
CASH
Is that a peach?
LOWELL
I’m not sure.
CASH
Did your grandfather put you up to this?
LOWELL
He says they’re fair play.
CASH
Not from someone else’s property.
LOWELL
They don’t even live here anymore.
CASH
Doesn’t matter.
LOWELL
It’s the redistribution of wealth.
CASH
There’s no such thing.
LOWELL
They’re just lying there on the ground, Mom. Do you call that an equitable situation?
CASH
A what?
LOWELL
If somebody doesn’t use something, then they shouldn’t have it, and that’s final.
CASH
I don’t have the energy for you, Lowell. Go find something useful to do.
LOWELL
Everything I do around here is practically illegal.
CASH
If it involves a rifle again, yes.
MILTON
Tell me about the rifle.
LOWELL
I took it out so Grandpa could teach me how to aim.
HARDY appears with a rifle.
HARDY
Cock your head slightly to the side; that’s it. Pay attention; this is a dangerous weapon.
LOWELL
You said “cock.”
HARDY
You should be able to see clearly the two sights of the rifle. That’s how you line it up.
MILTON
What did you shoot?
HARDY
Steady hand, steady hand. See if you can hit the letter o.
LOWELL
We tried to shoot the r completely out of the sign and make the v into an r so it would say “pirate property.”
MILTON
So you’re a pretty good shot then.
LOWELL
No.
A gunshot, distant, but distinct.
HARDY
Looks more like “primate property” now.
LOWELL
Sometimes we shot at peaches, to watch them explode.
HARDY shoots.
HARDY
Beautiful.
LOWELL
Besides, what else is there to do in this thankless valley?
MILTON
You tell me.
LOWELL
You tell me.
MILTON
Oh. I’m sorry. Are you asking the questions, now?
LOWELL
Why do we live here anyway, Grandpa?
HARDY
Somebody had to.
LOWELL
Sitting on a porch all day is about it. Grandpa calls this booger country.
HARDY
Nose picking—it’s about the only industry left.
CASH
Don’t you have any friends?
LOWELL
No.
CASH
What have you done all day?
LOWELL
You know.
CASH
What about that boy who just moved in? That one with the what do you call it—
LOWELL
Weird head? (out) A boy moved to our town. It was a singular experience. No one has moved here since anyone can remember; they only just move out. But he moved in with his family and his weird head. They started a grocery but nobody goes there—ever.
CASH
Don’t say “weird head.”
LOWELL
(to CASH) His ears are too low; have you noticed? Grandpa says it’s from being amphibian. Did you know that we are descended from sea creatures? We’re at the forward end of an evolutionary process, but if something goes haywire in the womb, it’s what happens—a reversion to am-phib-ianism. That’s why you look exactly like a fish before you’re born—because you’re not even a human being yet, just evolving into one, basically.
CASH
A fetus is a human being.
LOWELL
That’s not what Grandpa says.
CASH
Your grandfather is going to Hell.
LOWELL
Hell is completely full.
HARDY
Not even the Pope could get in now.
CASH
Whatever happened to that girl from the apartments? She’s nice.
LOWELL
Her father got arrested.
CASH
He did?
LOWELL
Anyway, their house smells like pee.
CASH
No it doesn’t.
LOWELL
How would you know?
CASH
I just know.
LOWELL
It smells like pee. I’m telling you. All the boys in one room and they all pee the bed; there’s five of them in there. Five boys in one room. You should see it. It’s a dereliction of social mores.
CASH
Is that right?
LOWELL
By the way, is it okay to jack off with another person?
CASH
Oh my God.
LOWELL
Just asking.
CASH
What are you