GOING BACK

      Laura Walker

      Artcover: Kirra Cheers

      Copyright: BERLINABLE UG

      Berlinable invites you to leave all your fears behind and dive into a world where sex is a tool for self-empowerment.

      Our mission is to change the world - one soul at a time.

      When people accept their own sexuality, they build a more tolerant society.

      Words to inspire, to encourage, to transform.

      Open your mind and free your deepest desires.

      All rights reserved. It is not permitted to copy, distribute or otherwise publish the content of this eBook without the express permission of the publisher. Subject to changes, typographical errors and spelling errors. The plot and the characters in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to dead or living people or public figures is not intended and are purely coincidental.

       Rayan had chin-length dark hair, blue eyes, and a square-shaped jaw. I did find him handsome, but it was his personality that had drawn me to him. Always laughing and having unmeasurable amounts of energy, he was the only person that could keep up with me, or more like, we were just going at the same speed making life even more beautiful than it already was.

      Starting as great friends, after some time we started dating and it was the most exciting time.

      He was caring, gentle, and tender all the time. In bed, it was a whole different story. We used to have wild and rough sex whenever we got an opportunity. He was the first person I was able to open up to about all my desires and it seemed like there is nothing more important to him than to make them all come true. After dating for over a year we started thinking of moving in together. We were in the apartment we thought of renting when he got a call from work and it turned out he needs to move to another side of the world for a year.

      I felt the color draining from my face and my body going stiff. His eyes said it all and I knew there is no other way. The opportunity was too big to ignore it, and I could not go with him due to my commitments and my career here, in Berlin.

      He decided to sublet his apartment and left. The long-distance relationship was hard, but the time difference was making everything impossible. When we managed to talk, one silly fight was following another, without us even knowing what they are all about. At some point, we stopped talking too stubborn to apologize and work through it all.

      Few months passed, and I could not think about him without feeling like I was ripping my heart out, I dated a few people, but no one kept my attention. Then Chris showed up. Caring and devoted, did not spark any feelings in me, but he seemed like a promise of peace and comfort and I decided to stay. We moved in together and everything would be great if not the fact he was nothing more than a friend to me. The fact he was not able to communicate and talk about any problems we were facing as a couple made everything worse. We fought sometimes, but rarely. At least at the beginning.

      But then they became more frequent and the times from a peaceful friendship started turning into nasty fights, followed by days of silence, leaving me in the dark, without understanding his side and feeling lonely when he was locking himself away from me without any indication he wants to fix things. I yearned for tenderness and affection and after one of the fights, when Chris stopped talking to me for 5 days I broke and messaged Rayan. I wanted just to talk to an old friend, get his advice, and take my mind off things. I was not prepared for all the feelings it reignited.

      He replied instantly.

       I wanted to message you for ages but wasn’t sure if you wanted me to. How are you?

      I am ok, a bit tired, but ok. And you?

      Lonely. I am back in Berlin for some time now, but it all feels different. Most of my friends left, and sometimes I wish to be in a relationship no matter with whom, just to feel less alone.

      Sometimes being alone is less lonely than being with someone.

      What do you mean? Are you ok, Alice?

      Yeah, I am fine. Just some problems with my boyfriend. So what have you been up to? I thought that mentioning I am with someone will make me feel less guilty for writing to him.

      I was re-reading our messages from the time we met. We were good together. The amount of sexting we did was insane. It’s nice to be able to come back to that time even if it is just to reminisce.

      Do you still have them? Between changing the phones and not having enough memory on the current one I don’t have anything.

      I cannot wait for you to come over tonight. I want you to tie me up and tease me with your touch, I want you to kiss me all over, starting from my thighs, going up and...

      He forwarded the message I’ve sent him over 3 years ago. I felt my face blushing and my heart beating faster. I swallowed hard and felt a blast of heat through my body despite the shame and guilt mounting up inside of me.

      Oh, I think you cannot see the whole message that is forwarded. He wrote.

      Good, I don’t want to read it. It’s embarrassing.

      It’s hot. You are hot.

      Things would’ve been different if not that fight we had. I am sorry I left it without clearing things up between us.

      I am sorry too. And yes, a lot would have been different if we stayed together...

      Well, you would probably annoy me loads. I tried to lighten up the conversation, and pretend, only if it was just to trick myself, I did not yearn to be beside him.

      Well. We could get a room and solve it there. I could tie you up and take you roughly; you'd forget all about how you felt.

      He was the last person that made me feel good in bed. The last good sex I had was with him over 3 years ago. With Chris, sex was barely existing and when it was there it was mechanical and felt forced. It felt like my body was on fire and my heart started beating with excitement I did not experience for a long time, making me feel alive.

      You are being highly inappropriate. I ended up with a laughing emoji, trying to obfuscate my real emotions and thoughts, feeling a burning desire inside my chest.

      In a bad way or a good way? Would you like me to stop?

       I didn’t. I never wanted him to stop, but against myself I replied:

      As much as it is a nice break from me from what is happening in my life for some time now - it still feels wrong - I am in a relationship. And as much as I am not sure if I want to stay in it, and as much as, as we are talking of sex, the one I have nowadays is far from keeping me satisfied and happy (which does not even happen that much), and as much as I feel super crappy now and that conversation makes me smile, it just feels wrong.