Management Mess to Leadership Success. Scott Jeffrey Miller
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is crucial to creating mutual understanding, if not mutual agreement.
I’ll never forget a principle I was taught in a public relations class. Loosely interpreted, it was, “Absent real facts, people make stuff up.” Declaring our intent in conversations, especially in adversarial or high-stakes conversations, is crucial to creating mutual understanding, if not mutual agreement.
A few months ago, “Peter,” a junior colleague, scheduled a meeting with me in Outlook. Although there wasn’t an agenda, or even a subject line, I agreed to meet out of respect for him. I didn’t know this person very well, so a meeting was unusual but not out of line. As a result, we sat somewhat uncomfortably in a conference room where the conversation, primarily led by Peter, meandered for about fifteen minutes. It touched on a variety of loosely linked topics with questions, comments, and even judgments on nearly every project I was leading. Peter seemed to want to give me feedback, but because the topics were so far-ranging and scattered, I couldn’t discern what to focus on.
Finally, as I was losing my patience, I asked matter-of-factly about the purpose of the meeting. Peter stammered and attempted to clarify, but continued to meander for a few more increasingly irritating minutes. Eventually, I said, “I’m sorry, I’m still not clear on the purpose of our conversation. We’re touching on a broad range of topics, but I don’t understand how I can help you.” Let me add that I think Peter is a fine person, high in character, hardworking, well educated, and dedicated. We might not see all things eye to eye, but he reminds me of a younger version of myself (that’s both a compliment and a critique). However, because I was listening with increasing suspicion, I wondered if this was worth my time. Truly, people matter—but so did the two major projects I needed to land that day.
I labored once again to gain clarification. This time, Peter declared what had been on his mind all along. It was a topic completely different from any of the “ground softeners” up to that point. He had a very clear point of view on something that needed my support. Peter now spoke with convincing language, and I leaned in and listened intently. That’s one benefit of declaring your intent up front—as human beings, thoughts and emotions are swirling around inside our head as we attempt to make meaning from what they are saying and discern their real motive. We spend much of our attention and energy discerning people’s intent and then working through how we’ll respond. (The fact of the matter is, when we’re guessing, we’re often wrong.) But declaring one’s intent cuts through much of the noise and mental static that impedes true listening. And that’s what I found had happened to me. Suddenly, all the irritation and negative stories percolating in my head vanished and I could focus on the real issue. Unfortunately, it had taken nearly fifty-five minutes of a sixty-minute meeting to get there!
After the meeting was over and we were walking out of the conference room, Peter said to me, “That went better than I thought.”
I replied, “What do you mean?”
“You’re quite intimidating, Scott,” he continued, “and I thought this would be a very difficult conversation.”
Wow! I had been frustrated, even angry, at Peter’s lack of organization and clarity. Turns out that his inability to talk straight and declare up front his intent was partially based in fear. I’m guessing he’d been clear on his intent in his own mind, but my previous behaviors and reputation had likely led him to believe my “brand” was one of arrogance and intimidation. Now, let’s be clear, I’m not taking responsibility for his share of the meeting. I’m just more mindful now of how I can contribute positively or negatively to others living this principle.
The next time you’re in a conversation where something could be left open to misinterpretation (which is every conversation), remember this thought from Dr. Blaine Lee, author of The Power Principle: Influence With Honor: “Nearly all, if not all, conflict arises from mismatched or unfulfilled expectations.” Make sure that what you intend people to hear and see is what they actually hear and see. The less clear you are, the more you are responsible for their lack of clarity.
Think for a moment about the stresses in your professional and personal life. How many of them come from mismatched or unfulfilled expectations? What you believe should be someone’s contribution on a team project, what the seating chart and setup of the next company townhall meeting should look like, or what kind of 50th birthday party your spouse really wants. Move outside of your comfort zone and openly declare your intent in any and all conversations where a little more clarity could drastically reduce conflict and stress in the relationship. For that matter, I encourage you to use the words, “My intent is…” in your next discussion that may be shrouded in confusing or differing opinions. An extra dose of clarity goes a long way in maintaining trust and building strong interpersonal relationships—the key to everything in life.
From Mess To Success:
Declare Your Intent
•Take stock of how often you begin conversations by earnestly declaring your intent—have you made clear your goal/agenda/intention, or are you leaving people to guess?
•Early on in any high-stakes conversation, consider asking others to confirm if they are clear on your intent. Allow them the opportunity to say no without growing defensive or being frustrated.
•Consider how you make it safe (or unsafe) for others to declare their intent with you. What should you stop doing, do more of, or do differently?
•Think of a cordial relationship where you have mutual respect but suspect the other person has read you wrong or doesn’t fully understand where you’re coming from. Try meeting them informally (like for coffee), and see if you can work a declaration of intent into the conversation.
•Ensure when you declare your intent that it’s truthful and congruent with your actions.
•Declaring your intent may well take a level of courage that might not be natural to you. Better to summon that skill than face the consequences that follow from not doing so.
Are you damaging your credibility through too many unfulfilled commitments? Are you a serial overcommitter?
It turns out, making commitments is easy for me. At the time of this writing, I’ve committed to:
•Host a weekly radio program on the topic of leadership on iHeartRadio.
•Simultaneously author or coauthor three books.
•Write a weekly blog post.
•Author a weekly column in Inc. magazine.
•Host what has become the world’s largest weekly leadership newsletter.
•Tape a daily leadership insight for radio and social media.
•Teach a weekly class at my church.
•Lead a fundraising initiative.
•Serve on a marketing committee.
•Provide career coaching for four or five people.
•Get to the gym and work out.
•Raise three boys.
•Stay married, given all the above.
And a litany of other, no less significant items. Your list will be unique to your roles in life, but I bet it comes in at a similar length.
The problem in this challenge is about making and keeping commitments. Now, I have to deliver on everything—and so do you! And here’s my candid admission: I will drop the ball on at least one (okay, three) of these. I’m perpetually overcommitted and can’t possibly deliver on everything at the level of excellence I want. How about you?
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