High Treason and Low Comedy. Robert T. O’Keeffe
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HROMADKA (as he drums his fingers playfully): Aha! An affair of the heart, is that what’s up?
REDL: Not a bit of that! Something very different. Go on, get out of here.
HROMADKA: All right, all right, don’t throw me out. Should I send for a car for you?
REDL: Yes, order me a car—No, forget that. I’ll pick up a taxi while I’m on my way.
HROMADKA: As you wish. Well, with obedient respect, Colonel, Sir. (he exits)
REDL: Good-bye until tomorrow, my dear Stefan. (he hurriedly puts on an overcoat)
CURTAIN
The inebriated Inspector of Troops
ACT II
CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION FACILITIES IN THE OFFICE OF THE COUNTER–INTELLIGENCE SERVICE
(The Chief of the Intelligence Bureau, Colonel Umanitzky; the Inspector General of the Troops, Archduke Viktor Salvator; and the Chief of the General Staff, Field Marshal Conrad von Hötzendorf)
UMANITZKY (sitting at his desk, on the telephone with the police chief): No, No, Herr Commissioner, release the man from custody at six o’clock this evening. I’ll send someone to keep him under watch on the Elizabeth Street promenade. Something’s bound to play out there.
(Salvator and Conrad enter)
UMANITZKY (jumping to his feet): With my obedient respect, your Imperial Highness! With obedient respect, Excellency!
CONRAD: Good afternoon, Herr Colonel.
SALVATOR (extending his hand toward Umanitzky): Greetings! So, how’s everything with you? Still chasing the ladies? Yesterday I was over at Tabarin,* there’s a little Hungarian girl there, Ilonka, she’s flawless, her advance guard as well as her rear-guard. (he traces her figure in the air with his hands)
CONRAD: Herr Colonel, we’ve come to take a look at the facilities of the counter-intelligence service.
* An exclusive men’s club in Vienna.
No cognac, No attractive young girls?
SALVATOR: Do you have any cognac, Umanitzky? Or a whiskey and soda? You know, just the other day I was at Sacher’s* in the
* A popular hotel, with restaurant and café, home of the famous chocolate-cake confection, “Sacher-Torte”.
afternoon, and I guzzled down a sherry-cobbler, enough to drown you, the whole thing through a straw ...
CONRAD: We’re on duty here, Imperial Highness.
SALVATOR (with mock strictness): By all means, on duty, Colonel, Sir! I order you to show us the facilities of the counterintelligence bureau. I forbid you to speak of any private or personal matters here! (already he lapses from his role-playing) Don’t you really have any cognac? (Conrad directs Umanitzky to get out a bottle of cognac for Salvator. Salvator sits down and takes a drink)
UMANITZKY (explaining things): Your Excellency, here’s the photographic catalog of everyone suspected of espionage, foreigners and our own citizens, listed in alphabetical order, both male and female agents.
SALVATOR (jumping up): What the devil! You’ve got women in there too? Any good-looking ones in there, huh? I’ve got to see this for myself!
CONRAD: We’re on duty here, Imperial Highness.
SALVATOR: Well, what nonsense! What do you really think about that, Herr Colonel? Over there we’re on duty too, Herr Colonel. Do you think that in the military chancellery we spend all our time on our own pleasures? (here he falls out of his role) Come on, Umanitzky, show me a couple of lively young ladies, tell me their story ...
Secret Photographs
CONRAD: Herr Colonel, how do you come by the photographs?
UMANITZKY: The photographs you’re looking at are of people who’ve been detained by the police, or even jailed, they’re sent to us by various police agencies. There are some photos that we get from confidential sources who work for us, informants. And we take photographs of everyone who shows up here without them being aware of it ...
CONRAD: Without them being aware of it?
SALVATOR: Without them being aware of it? Now that’s something really big, useful I mean. You ... well, you can certainly take nude photos, can’t you? Of course, you must take nude photos. Umanitzky, come on, I beg you, please show me some photos of naked women, please, do me that favor ...
CONRAD: How do you actually photograph people without them being aware of it?
UMANITZKY: Anyone who sits in this chair, either to offer his services in our espionage work or to bring us some information, is photographed, both in full-face and profile. These two paintings on the walls have cut-outs with close-up lenses in them (he rotates the paintings out from the wall), and behind them is the photographic equipment.
CONRAD: Outstanding!
SALVATOR: Excellent! (he sits down in a club-chair). You really must take my picture now. Six photos, desk-top size, if you please. You know, a few days ago I was at Ronacher’s,* and I arranged to meet the six Picadilly Girls in a private room – you know, they’re from the English dance company, and each one of them asked for a photo of me.
* A Viennese musical theater.
The fingerprint trap
CONRAD (addressing Umanitzky): Please continue, Herr Colonel.
UMANITZKY: Moreover, each person has an impression of his fingerprints taken, though he has no idea that it’s being done. The impressions are then printed out for entry into our fingerprint registry.
CONRAD: How do you get their fingerprints without them knowing it?
UMANITZKY: I arrange to have myself called, and when the phone rings and while I’m talking, I push over the cigarette case or ask my guest to take something from a box of chocolates. Or I offer my guest a cigarette, and then he pulls over the lighter and the ashtray. All the boxes and the lighter are coated with invisible red lead powder.
CONRAD: What happens when they take a cigarette or a chocolate?
UMANITZKY: Then I have myself called out of the room for a minute. If the person is some kind of agent, then he immediately reaches for the folder on my desk that’s labeled “Top Secret”. And the folder is also coated with a silky powder.
CONRAD: Extremely useful, that!
SALVATOR: It’s not useful at all. When I think about it, you know, with me groping things all over the place with my fingertips—well, anybody can go around all over the place, find my fingerprints and reveal my incognito. For example, four days ago, just an example, I was with Madame Rosa in a private room ...
CONRAD: We’re on duty here, Imperial Highness.
The cabinet that’s not a cabinet
SALVATOR: Naturally, on duty. Let me ask you something, Colonel, related to duty of course, can you lift fingerprints from a woman’s body?
UMANITZKY: Certainly, Imperial Highness.
SALVATOR: Well that’s a filthy business, disgusting! Won’t a man be able to enjoy himself anywhere in the world?
CONRAD: Please continue, Herr Colonel.
UMANITZKY: Here, for instance, this cabinet ...
CONRAD: This medicine cabinet?
UMANITZKY: ... is no medicine cabinet, Excellency, for inside it there is ...
SALVATOR: ... inside there’s champagne. How about that, did I guess it right, Umanitzky? I’m pretty sly, huh? Ever since I was a kid I’ve been a clever one. We used to have a lady’s maid, and she would always say that I was so clever they