Growing Together. Andrew Body
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there is plenty of help to be had – but, again, it raises complex choices about what is right for each couple. The increasing number and accuracy of prenatal tests may raise enormous questions about what to do if some serious abnormality were predicted. For all good things there is a price to be paid, and couples today need far more skills to help them make appropriate choices than their parents ever did.
Babies are born into all sorts of family situations. There is no doubt that cohabiting couples and single parents are often superb at their job of nurturing their offspring. But there is now growing scientific evidence that, in various ways, children who come from stable marriages do better than their contemporaries. One of the functions of marriage seems to be to provide the most appropriate nest-building in which the next generation can thrive.
At the end of the day, those who do want to have a family, and are able to do so, would find themselves in sympathy – most of the time – with the writer of the Psalm who said, two and a half thousand years ago:
Children are a heritage from the Lord
And the fruit of the womb is his gift.
(Psalm 127, The Marriage Service, p. 149)
In their less pious moments, and particularly as children get older, they may have sympathy for Ogden Nash:
Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore
And that’s what parents were created for.
(from ‘The Parents’)
Where are you coming from?
Every one of us is both the beneficiary and the victim of our parents. They not only gave us life, but they also gave us our initial way of seeing life. The process of growing up includes making proper judgements about what was good and bad in our upbringing. Hopefully, most of us don’t end up feeling as negative as the former Poet Laureate Philip Larkin. In his celebrated poem ‘This be the verse’, he expressed in no uncertain terms that however well-intentioned our parents are, they mess up our lives. They hand on to us some of the faults and prejudices they inherited from their parents and then add more of their own for good measure. This is an extreme view, but his words are a reminder in strong language of how much our parents influence us. You can easily find the whole poem on the Web.
‘By the time they get to their wedding day, most couples will have honestly discussed their feelings about wanting to have a family. But amazingly some haven’t.’
Craig and Jane both come from happy homes. He was the fourth in a family of five, and she was an only child. Their feelings about childhood and what it means to be a family are radically different, but both have happy memories. In their heart of hearts they both want to reproduce those good memories for any children they might have. But that is not possible: they cannot have one child and several. The decision may be made for them because of practical factors like money, but they really need to tease out what it was that made for their happiness, and how they can come to a joint decision about what they want for their own family.
Helen and Mark, on the other hand, have had very different experiences. Whilst he was part of a relaxed and supportive family, she grew up in a succession of foster homes, some of which were loving and healing for her, but the last of which was a place where she was abused by another child. She could not bear the thought of being less than a perfect parent, and did not think she could live up to the standards she would set herself. So she was dubious about having children at all. He was much more laid back, and knew from his experience that children can cope well with the rough and the smooth, and longed for the family life he knew himself.
The combinations of backgrounds are endless. Every couple has its unique mix. But, unless you really talk about what your childhood has meant, you are less able to make good decisions about what you want for yourselves. You may not be in touch with both your parents. You may not know who one or both of them is. You can idealize both about what you had and what you never had.
Things to talk about and share
Where are you now?
Let us assume for the moment that you don’t have any children. At this point in your relationship, you don’t want any. It takes two to have children, and ideally it takes two not to have them. Do you review your decisions about contraception from time to time? You probably need medical advice as well as discussing your personal preferences. Good decisions are ones made together, and not to please your partner. Sometimes when people are getting married after living together for some time, one partner assumes that this is also a signal that it is time to start a family. But that isn’t necessarily so, and this would be a good time to talk again about your medium- and long-term plans.
The decision to have or not to have children will have wider implications. What will be financially possible? What will it mean in terms of employment? Will one of you give up work to be a full-time carer for your family and, if so, which one of you will it be? A few couples manage to reduce hours for both of them and job-share looking after their family. For many it will be a question of someone else taking care of the child – relatives, a childminder or a workplace nursery. Whatever the decisions, there will be huge changes to the demands on your finances, and to the freedom you have to do as you please. It is probably the most radical change in your lifestyle that you ever have, and for many couples it is stressful as well as rewarding.
Things to talk about and share
• soon?
• sometime?
• never?
Where are you going?