The Journey Inside. Veronica Munro
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A Controlling Parent can come from a positive place in terms of giving us social norms to live by, or a negative place when the comment is designed to undermine us.
Let’s take a moment and think about how a Controlling Parent’s behaviour might play out in the office. A boss figure might single out an individual in the team meeting, and make a detrimental comment about a report they have written.
Similarly, a Nurturing Parent can be positive and OK, for example, when they tuck us in at night, and tell a bedtime story. However, if the behaviour becomes smothering or invasive, it becomes negative and Not OK. For example, ‘Please don’t ever run as you might fall over.’ This behaviour is over-protective as it doesn’t allow us to grow, and become independent capable people. Nurturing Parent may play out in the office in a more subtle fashion such as an employee handing in a report to their boss, who then corrects, changes and circulates it without consulting them. This over-protective boss isn’t helping them to grow or develop their skills, even though they might think that their behaviour is coming from a ‘good’ place.
Positive behaviour could be when a boss takes the employee to one side to discuss the report, and then asks: What is good about the report? What works well? What doesn’t work so well? What could they do / write differently? Following this, the boss could offer what they thought had been done well, and then add ‘and it would be even better if “x” had been included.’ In this way, they are making suggestions for their employee’s development and improvement that doesn’t undermine and demotivate.
Adult Ego State
The second circle is the Integrated Adult Ego State. As previously mentioned, this only has positive behaviours and is ‘OK.’ When we are responding from here, our behaviour comes from the ‘here and now,’ is non-judgemental, and not contaminated by previous experience. We are therefore responding maturely, rationally and appropriately in the situation.
Child Ego State
The third circle is the Child Ego States. When we are in one of the three Child Ego States we are replaying and remembering how we behaved during childhood. Again, these three Ego States contain positive or OK behaviours, and negative Not OK behaviours. When in the positive or OK Free Child Ego State, the behaviour is all about creativity and playfulness. When Free Child is negative or Not OK, the behaviour is inconsiderate, wild and uncontrolled.
The Rebellious Child Ego State behaviour, where positive and OK, is about high achievement both professionally and personally. These behaviours include overcoming difficult, challenging goals, persistence and determination as well as enjoying positions of power. The negative or Not OK behaviours include demanding attention and energy from others, being aggressively sarcastic, blaming and judgemental.
Finally, when in an Adapted Child Ego State, the positive OK behaviours include accommodating others, and being co-operative. The negative and Not OK behaviours include being over-compliant, passive aggressive or defiant and difficult. An example might be agreeing to take on extra work when we don’t want to, or alternatively, saying we will do something, but don’t!
If we pause here and reflect, we can probably recognise many of the above behaviours in ourselves and others, both inside, and outside the work place.
We have mentioned OK and Not OK behaviour in terms of positive and negative behaviours associated with the Ego States Model. Now it is time to explore our second model: Life Positions / OK Corral. This second model is very useful for helping individuals to understand how they might consciously or unconsciously be viewing themselves and others through their behaviour. We may consciously and unconsciously see ourselves as OK or Not OK. We may view others in the same way, or a combination of OK and Not OK.
FRANCK ERNST OK CORRAL / LIFE POSITIONS
Figure 2.5: OK Corral / Life Positions
This theory suggests that we use all of the four Life Positions in different situations and with different people. However, we will each have a preferred Life Position based upon early experience.
In the quadrant above, if the person’s Life Position is more in the top left quadrant: ‘I am not OK, you are OK,’ this can be expressed as feeling less worthy than someone else. The opposite of this would be when someone’s Life Position is predominantly in the bottom right quadrant: ‘I am OK, you are Not OK,’ which can be expressed as feeling better than others.
Practical application
We can use this tool in different ways and at different points in a coaching session, or block of coaching sessions. In order to be most effective, these tools really benefit the client after several coaching sessions and once trust has been established with the coach. Life Positions, put simply, are our perceptions of the world and our place in it. It is not reality, but only how we perceive our reality to be as individuals. We also move around the different Life Positions depending upon the situation and the people around us.
Developing increased self-awareness
We each have a preferred or predominant Life Position and this position is decided early in our lives. However, from a coaching perspective how we arrived at the Life Position is less important than where we are today, and where we want to be going forward. If our clients are open to exploring their possible Life Positions, it can provide them with a lot of information about themselves, help them to increase their self-awareness, and understand their own behaviour, as well as how they communicate. A client has to be ready and want to have this experience. We should only move forward after we have offered an invitation to the client, and they are ready to dive deeper and explore further.
Exploration
Another way to use the model, which initially may be less intimidating, is when a client is describing a recent interaction. We can invite them to use the OK Corral to explore where on the quadrant they, and the person they were interacting with, appear to be operating from. Remember we can’t verify any information. This is just an exploration to assist our clients to enhance their self-awareness. Then, using a gentle questioning technique, we are able to support them to explore these in more depth and detail.
Diving deeply
Clients can begin to reflect at a deeper level, and to explore what is going on in their conscious thinking, and deeper into their heart and body. They can explore their feelings and emotions more deeply in order to understand more fully and appreciate their triggers, responses and behaviours. They may identify some automatic behaviours that were completely outside their conscious awareness. They might want to consider how well their current behaviours in certain situations, or around specific people, are working or not working.
• What is the ripple effect their behaviour might be having across their different relationships and across the organisation?
• What would they like to change?
• What benefits would behaviour change bring to themselves and others?
How the OK Corral relates to the Ego States Model
In the top left quadrant, ‘I am Not OK, You are OK,’ we can see how this might relate to the negative Adapted Child Ego State. The top right, ‘I am OK, You are OK’ would fit well with Adult Ego State, a position of awareness and equals, without judgement. This is where we would all like to be when we are communicating well, and operating at our very best.
If we look at the lower right quadrant, ‘I am OK, You are Not OK,’ the overall message here is one of arrogance. This suggests the Parent negative Ego State of either Critical or Nurturing Parent. The suggestion here is that the other person is doing something wrong and / or is incompetent.
Finally, in the bottom left quadrant, ‘I am Not OK, You are Not OK,’ is clearly a position of hopelessness and / or futility for both. So again, the negatives associated with a Child Ego State would fit here.
Now we have looked at the basics of these two models let’s reflect on ourselves, the different people we engage with