Finding Love at Hedgehog Hollow. Jessica Redland
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months later, Hannah and Toby said ‘I do’. I felt all gooey inside as they smiled tenderly at each other and kissed for the first time as husband and wife. I stole a glance across to James, looking delectable as best man in a light-grey three-piece suit with a coral tie and pocket handkerchief, but he was looking straight ahead and didn’t catch my eye. I smoothed down my coral bridesmaid dress, smiling to myself. Could that be James and me in the next year or so? I hoped so.
They turned to face their friends and family, huge smiles on their face, then walked down the aisle to rapturous applause. James joined me as we walked behind them, followed by Hannah’s two young nieces. He squeezed my hand and gave me one of his warmest smiles, sending the butterflies soaring in my stomach. Could the wedding put him in the right romantic mood to declare his true feelings? James hadn’t said he loved me yet, but I knew he was cautious and keen to take things slowly after a previous long-term relationship ended badly. I was determined not to be the first to say it after realising that Harry had only ever responded with a non-committal ‘me too’ each time I said those words to him.
With James living and working in York and me based an hour away in Whitsborough Bay, there wasn’t much opportunity for spontaneity in our relationship but we made it work. We spent most weekends together and tried to meet up one evening during the week.
James travelled over to Whitsborough Bay a couple of times in the early days and met my parents, but Mum did nothing to make him feel welcome. So it made more sense for me to drive to York instead, especially as James owned his own place.
Living back at home wasn’t ideal but it made financial sense for me. After the Harry disaster, Dad had insisted I move back into my childhood bedroom while I saved a deposit for a place of my own, much to Mum’s disgust.
James and I spent a lot of time with Hannah and Toby and I loved that closeness we had as a unit of four. I imagined years stretching ahead of us with joint holidays and, down the line, perhaps joint family holidays.
Our time together was always filled with chatter and laughter which made me realise how perfunctory my relationship had been with Harry. He’d been very wrong for me and I’d been too inexperienced to realise it, but James couldn’t be more right.
‘Could you see yourself doing this?’ I asked James as we sat at an empty table, watching the newlyweds shuffling to their first dance that evening. Five, maybe six, glasses of champagne had made me feel brave, but not quite brave enough to add ‘with me’.
‘One day,’ James responded. ‘When I meet…’
My stomach plummeted to my feet as he faltered, biting his lip, squirming on his chair, avoiding eye contact with me. And that was it. That was the moment of absolute shocking clarity. The reason he hadn’t said he loved me was not because he’d been hurt before or because he didn’t want to rush things. It was quite simply because he didn’t feel that way. How could I have been so blind? Had my experience with Harry taught me nothing?
‘When you meet the right person?’ I finished for him, hoping the music would prevent him from hearing the wobble in my voice. Willing myself not to cry and swallowing hard on the lump blocking my throat, I added, ‘But that person isn’t me, is it?’
James slowly shook his head then turned to face me. ‘I’m so sorry, Sam. I do love you—’ he shook his head again ‘—but not in that way. I wish I did, but you can’t control who you fall in love with. I love being with you but there’s something missing between us.’
‘Like what?’
‘Some sort of spark. I felt it when we first met but I think it was the excitement of something new and… I’m so sorry… it faded.’ His voice was thick with regret and I knew he was telling the truth. He’d tried but, for him, love hadn’t grown.
Twiddling with a strand of hair, I forced out the words, ‘Is there someone else?’
‘No! I’d never do that to you.’
‘So what are you saying?’ I asked. ‘You want us to split up?’
He took my hand in his. ‘No. That’s the thing. I really care about you, we have fun together, and there’s nobody I’d rather be with.’ He reached out with his other hand and stroked the side of my face. I nuzzled against his soft palm, my heart thumping. All was not lost. Then he added that fatal word. ‘Yet.’ One tiny word with only three letters, but oh so powerful. Yet. He hadn’t met anyone he’d rather be with yet. He was biding his time until someone better came along.
‘Okay,’ I said, because what else could I say? It was far from okay. It would never be okay.
‘I just don’t see us together for the long run,’ James continued. ‘I really wish I did but I don’t. How do you feel?’
How do I feel? I love you and I want to marry you! But of course I didn’t say that. I don’t know what got into me – probably a combination of self-preservation, humiliation-avoidance and the desire to hold onto him for as long as I could – but I opened my mouth and out it tumbled. ‘I feel exactly the same although I didn’t realise it until I watched Hannah and Toby saying their vows. I started picturing my wedding day but I couldn’t imagine you being the groom. I don’t want to lose you, though. I’m happy to continue with this, whatever this is.’
I expected him to laugh and call me out on my lies. Surely me stumbling over my words and fidgeting with the tablecloth were a dead giveaway? Instead, his eyes lit up. ‘Really? I was worried about hurting you.’
I smiled. ‘If I’d been madly in love with you, we’d be picking up pieces of my broken heart off the floor right now, but seeing as I’m not…’
James hugged me. ‘You’re the best, Sam.’
He believed me. How could he believe such rubbish?
‘So are you,’ I said, squeezing him back. ‘Will you promise me something? If you meet anyone who gives you that spark you’re looking for, will you tell me? I mean immediately. Don’t let me find out later or hear it from someone else. I couldn’t cope with that again after what happened with Harry.’
James pulled away from me and nodded solemnly. ‘And you promise me too?’
I nodded and crossed my fingers beneath my seat. I’d already found the one and I just had to hope the spark he’d initially felt towards me ignited once more because the one I had for him had never extinguished.
4
Nothing changed between James and me over the next three months. Or rather nothing changed outwardly. We still saw each other just as regularly. We still talked incessantly. We still laughed a lot. But, inwardly, everything had changed for me. I was falling apart, my heart breaking every day, knowing that the man I loved didn’t love me back and never would. I knew I was kidding myself that he’d wake up one day and suddenly realise that he felt more than affectionate friendship.
I couldn’t bring myself to confide in Hannah or Chloe – the two people I normally turned to when anything troubled me. I hated that I was keeping something so important from them but I knew why. They’d tell me to end it because that was the advice I’d give if either of them presented the same situation to me. Why waste time investing in something completely one-sided? But I wasn’t ready to face that so I lied. I repeated James’s words to them – we were having fun but neither of us saw it lasting long-term because we didn’t have that spark.
Hannah challenged me on it after she returned from her honeymoon.
‘You’ve been together for nearly seven months now,’ she said, frowning. ‘That’s a long time if the relationship’s going nowhere. What’s the point in staying together?’