The New Eight Steps to Happiness. Geshe Kelsang Gyatso
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beings, grasping at one’s own I and self-cherishing are like two sides of the same coin: I-grasping grasps at a truly existent I, whereas self-cherishing feels this I to be precious and cherishes it. The fundamental reason for this is our constant familiarity with our self-cherishing, day and night, even during our sleep.
Since we regard our self or I as so very precious and important, we exaggerate our own good qualities and develop an inflated view of ourself. Almost anything can serve as a basis for this arrogant mind, such as our appearance, possessions, knowledge, experiences or status. If we make a witty remark we think, “I’m so clever!”, or if we have traveled around the world we feel that this automatically makes us a fascinating person. We can even develop pride on the basis of things we should be ashamed of, such as our ability to deceive others, or on qualities that we merely imagine we possess. On the other hand we find it very hard to accept our mistakes and shortcomings. We spend so much time contemplating our real or imagined good qualities that we become oblivious to our faults. In reality our mind is full of gross delusions but we ignore them and may even fool ourself into thinking that we do not have such repulsive minds. This is like pretending that there is no dirt in our house after sweeping it under the rug.
It is often so painful to admit that we have faults that we make all manner of excuses rather than alter our exalted view of ourself. One of the most common ways of not facing up to our faults is to blame others. For instance, if we have a difficult relationship with someone we naturally conclude that it is entirely his fault—we are unable to accept that it is at least partly ours. Instead of taking responsibility for our actions and making an effort to change our behavior, we argue with him and insist that it is he who must change. An exaggerated sense of our own importance thus leads to a critical attitude toward other people and makes it almost impossible to avoid conflict. The fact that we are oblivious to our faults does not prevent other people from noticing them and pointing them out, but when they do we feel that they are being unfair. Instead of looking honestly at our own behavior to see whether or not the criticism is justified, our self-cherishing mind becomes defensive and retaliates by finding fault with them.
Another reason why we do not regard others as precious is that we pay attention to their faults while ignoring their good qualities. Unfortunately we have become very skilled in recognizing the faults of others, and we devote a great deal of mental energy to listing them, analyzing them and even meditating on them! With this critical attitude, if we disagree with our partner or colleagues about something, instead of trying to understand their point of view we repeatedly think of many reasons why we are right and they are wrong. By focusing exclusively on their faults and limitations we become angry and resentful, and rather than cherishing them we develop the wish to harm or discredit them. In this way small disagreements can easily turn into conflicts that simmer for months.
Nothing good ever comes from dwelling on our own qualities and others’ faults. All that happens is that we develop a highly distorted, self-important view of ourself, and an arrogant, disrespectful attitude toward others. As Shantideva says in Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life:
If we hold ourself in high esteem, we shall be reborn in the lower realms
And later, as a human, experience low status and a foolish mind.
As a result of regarding ourself as superior and others as inferior we perform many negative actions that will later ripen as rebirth in the lower realms. Due to this haughty attitude, even when we finally take rebirth again as a human being we will be of a low social status, living like a servant or slave. Out of pride we may regard ourself as highly intelligent, but in reality our pride makes us foolish and fills our mind with negativity. There is no value in viewing ourself as more important than others and thinking only of our own qualities. It neither increases our qualities nor reduces our faults, and it does not cause others to share our exalted opinion of ourself.
If instead we focus on the good qualities of others, our deluded pride will decrease and we will come to regard them as more important and precious than ourself. As a result, our love and compassion will increase and we will naturally engage in virtuous actions. Due to this we will be reborn in the higher realms, as a human or god, and we will gain the respect and friendship of many people. Only good can come from contemplating the good qualities of others. Therefore, while ordinary beings look for faults in others, Bodhisattvas look solely for good qualities.
In Advice from Atisha’s Heart, Atisha says:
Do not look for faults in others, but look for faults in yourself, and purge them like bad blood.
Do not contemplate your own good qualities, but contemplate the good qualities of others, and respect everyone as a servant would.
We need to think about our own faults because if we are not aware of them we will not be motivated to overcome them. It was through constantly examining their minds for faults and imperfections, and then applying great effort to abandon them, that those who are now enlightened were able to release their minds from delusions, the source of all faults. Buddha said that those who understand their own faults are wise, while those who are unaware of their own faults yet look for faults in others are fools. Contemplating our own qualities and others’ faults serves only to increase our self-cherishing and diminish our love for others; and yet all enlightened beings agree that self-cherishing is the root of all faults, and cherishing others is the source of all happiness. The only people who disagree with this view are those who are still in samsara. We can keep our ordinary view if we wish, or we can adopt the view of all the holy beings. The choice is ours, but we would be wise to adopt the latter if we wish to enjoy real peace and happiness.
Some people argue that one of our main problems is a lack of self-esteem, and that we need to focus exclusively on our good qualities in order to boost our self-confidence. It is true that to make authentic spiritual progress we need to develop confidence in our spiritual potential, and to acknowledge and improve our good qualities. However, we also need a keen and realistic awareness of our present faults and imperfections. If we are honest with ourself we will recognize that at the moment our mind is filled with defilements such as anger, attachment and ignorance. These mental diseases will not go away just by our pretending they do not exist. The only way we can ever get rid of them is by honestly acknowledging their existence and then making the effort to eliminate them.
One of the main functions of Dharma teachings is to serve as a mirror in which we can see our own faults. For example, when anger arises in our mind, instead of making excuses we need to say to ourself: “This anger is the inner poison of delusion. It has no value or justification; its only function is to harm. I will not tolerate its presence in my mind.” We can also use the mirror of Dharma to distinguish between desirous attachment and love. These two are easily confused, but it is vital to discriminate between them, because love will bring us only happiness while the mind of attachment will bring us only suffering and bind us ever more tightly to samsara. The moment we notice attachment arising in our mind we should be on our guard—no matter how pleasant it may seem to follow our attachment, it is like licking honey off a razor’s edge, and in the long run invariably leads to more suffering.
Although we need to be acutely aware of our faults we must never allow ourself to become overwhelmed or discouraged by them. We may have a lot of anger in our mind but this does not mean that we are an inherently angry person. No matter how many delusions we may have or how strong they are, they are not an essential part of our mind. They are defilements that temporarily pollute our mind but do not soil its pure, essential nature. They are like mud that dirties water but never becomes an intrinsic part of it. Just as mud can always be removed to reveal pure, clear water, so delusions can be removed to reveal the natural purity and clarity of our mind. While acknowledging that we have delusions we should not identify with them, thinking, “I am a selfish, worthless person” or “I am an angry person.” Instead we should identify with our pure potential and develop the wisdom and courage to overcome our delusions.
When we look at external things we can usually distinguish those that are useful and valuable from those that are not. We must learn to look at our mind in the same way. Although the nature of our root mind is pure and clear, many conceptual thoughts arise from it, like bubbles arising within an ocean or rays of light arising from a single flame. Some of these thoughts are beneficial