The Little Book of Letting Go. Hugh Prather
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parents, worry about whether their own parents are going to divorce. This can become a particularly deep-rooted and debilitating worry because it relates to safety, self-esteem, and survival. For this and many other reasons, most of us begin our adult years with the basic fear that nothing is reliable, not even our home.
Not only is worrying fanned through parental insensitivity, most parents aggressively teach their children that they should and must worry—about how much or little they eat, about catching an endless list of diseases, about whether they can trust their own basic nature or common sense (“I can't let you out of my sight,” “You don't care about anyone but yourself”), and about “too much junk food,” “certain people,” bad grades, and on and on.
Moreover, as children we were given grounds for a basic all-pervasive worry through every “Are you sure?” question we were asked:
“Are you sure that's the water gun you want to buy? This green one will last longer.”
“Are you sure you want to invite Ian to your birthday party? Remember, he didn't invite you to his.”
“Are you sure you don't need to study for the parts-of-a-flower test? You don't want to end up pumping gas for a living.”
“Are you sure he/she's the right one for you, dear? You don't want to start dating again after you've lost your looks.”
Even though our propensity to worry comes primarily from our childhood interactions with our parents, other sources contribute mightily. The underlying sense that it's good to worry is part of our overall culture. In the West, we join together daily to hear endless reports of problems with no thought of seeking solutions ourselves. Drinking in the problems is satisfying enough, and the media knows it.
Religion, which should foster comfort and healing, can promote worry, if not terror. Ministers, priests, and rabbis often use fear to sell doctrine and increase contributions. Even many twelve-step groups try to motivate through fear.
Clearly, our educational system fosters anxiety as well. Our schools set impossible goals, all the while dispensing “consequences” for a bewildering array of “inappropriate” behaviors. Grades K through 12 have multiple and, in many ways, conflicting aims: responsibility, socialization, selfesteem, environmental consciousness, creativity, racial pride, drug awareness, time management, and the like. Homework assignments are constructed to reflect so many different values that most kids don't know what the teacher expects. Teachers themselves vary widely in how they want to influence their kids because the textbooks and curriculums they are handed contain complex and confusing compromises.
Behind all these early lessons from culture, home, church, and school can be heard a drumbeat of conflicting warnings: “Better watch out,” “Go slow,” “Use your head,” “Watch your step,” “Watch your back,” “Know who your friends are,” “Trust no one,” “Mind what you're doing,” “Look ahead,” and, my favorite, “Think twice.” Obviously there are ways to use these sayings well, but like today's “spiritual” worries (“Be mindful,” “Be aware,” “Watch what you're putting out there,” “Fears are self-fulfilling,” and perhaps the scariest of all, “Remember, you create your own reality”), they contain one underlying message: We are more alert and better armed when we are anxious.
That's absolutely not true. The opposite of a worried mind is not a foolish mind, but a still mind. The simple, observable fact is that a worried mind is busy, cluttered, and scattered, whereas a still mind is more capable of broad, steady awareness, if for no other reason than it is less distracted. A worried mind provides no protection. A still mind can assess the surrounding situation more quickly and accurately than a mind dominated by anxiety and thus is less likely to overlook a present danger.
Attitude 3: Worries are intuitive or predictive.
Obviously, an anxious driver will drive more safely than a depressed or indolent driver. But simply because under some circumstances one kind of mental junk compares favorably to another kind doesn't mean that both are not junk. A driver with a cold will drive more safely than one with advanced pneumonia, yet in either case there are better physical states to be in when you drive.
In this book, we are looking at what cleanses the mind, focuses it, and makes it whole versus what fragments it and robs it of peace and presence. The belief that you should put up with an agitated mind simply because there might be an accompanying premonition that could come true is just plain silly.
It's true that a thread of intuition is occasionally mixed in with a worry, but there is no reliable way to tell whether intuition is present this time. For instance, many adults make parental decisions based on worry. Look at the mixed results. Gayle and I are a case in point. As a child, Gayle was forced to make her bed daily, whereas I never was. Today, I like making beds and Gayle doesn't. As a child, I was forced to hold in my stomach but Gayle never was. Today Gayle does not have the resistance to waist-trimming exercises that I do.
Out of worry, most parents come down hard on a particular behavior because of their fear of how their kid might turn out. Much of the time, this brand of discipline is enduringly destructive—even though occasionally a dire prediction will come true. We tend to ignore the vast number of predictions that fail.
If the goal is to discover what state of mind is most intuitive, worry has to be eliminated on the grounds of inconsistency alone.
Because enough people have noticed the idea that fears are not intuitive, even this insight has been turned into a worry. Have you heard the saying, “It's the things you don't worry about that get you”? Taking this literally means the more things you worry about, the more you eliminate from getting you! Unfortunately, the chaos of the world will see to it that some of the things you worry about do happen. As another saying puts it, “Just because you have a phobia of flying doesn't mean the plane won't crash.”Worry is a no-win game.
Suggested time: 1 day
Our fear that what we said to a friend yesterday might have been misunderstood would have no meaning and be of no interest to us if we knew for sure that the person could carry no memory of our remarks into the future. If this were the case, we would know that the friendship would remain unaffected despite our comments. Our fear therefore is not about what we said, but about future ramifications. When doing the second Release, keep in mind that although they have their roots in the past, all forms of fear point to the future.
From the time you awake to the time you get ready for bed, write down any fear that crosses your mind. Include every worry, vague apprehension, nagging suspicion, or catastrophic fantasy you notice.
Before you fall asleep, mark those fears you most strongly believe will come true, or if you prefer, rate each fear on a scale of one to ten; ten being absolute certainty. In other words, single out the fears you think are intuitive and predictive, as well as those you suspect are self-fulfilling because of the intensity or frequency with which you think of them.
Post this list where you can check it from time to time. In the weeks and months to come, see for yourself if anything happens the way you imagined it would. Also, take note of all events that conflict with what you feared, events that in some way turn out to be the opposite of what you worried would happen.
When most or all of the fears have had sufficient time to occur, fold the list and put it in your purse or wallet. This will be your new identity card. You are now a person who is not afraid of fear. If your ego steals your card, you can renew it simply by repeating this one-day Release.
Should you choose not to do this Release even once, you must renounce forever your right to worry out loud.
Attitude 4: There is a time and place to worry.
When our car skids out of control or when we trip and fall, our mind is usually surprisingly calm. Only