Giving Heart. M. J. Ryan
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on tightly to what we have and work hard to get more. As Anne Lamott and I found out, that perspective only makes us more afraid, because we get caught in a cycle of clinging and hoarding. When is enough enough? Is $5,000 enough? $50,000? $100,000? $1 million? A recent study found that no matter how much money people made, they thought they would be happier if only they had more. Whether they made $20,000 a year or $200,000, everyone thought they needed a bit more.
If we turn around and give instead of hoarding everything, we suddenly experience the abundance we do have. Most of us, particularly those of us living in Western societies, have a great deal, and when we share what we have, we feel our abundance. It becomes real to us, and that diminishes our fears. I read about a woman who was suffering from depression and contemplating suicide because of back pain and poverty. She found a kid foraging in the Dumpster and thought to herself, “I don't have a lot, but at least I can fix this kid a peanut butter sandwich.” Giving away that peanut butter sandwich reminded her of the abundance she still had, even in the projects. If she could still give, her life wasn't so bleak after all. She now runs a volunteer program in Dallas that feeds hundreds of kids a day. It started from that one day when she gave away the sandwich.
Giving Helps Us Experience Our Connection with Others
Just as the wave cannot exist for itself but is evera part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I neverlive my life for itself, but always in the experiencewhich is going on all around me.
—ALBERT SCHWEITZER
My friend Tom recently went to his high school reunion and had a surprising experience. “I always thought reunions were stupid,” he said, “and so I never went. But an old friend called and guilt-tripped me into it, so I went. It was strange, but not in the way I had imagined.
“I'm a very successful financial analyst, a bit on the driven side, but it got me all the things I thought I wanted—a great condo in the city, a country house, fancy car. So I showed up with a bit of a self-satisfied attitude. There were plenty of surprises, both in appearances—people change a lot in twenty years—and in what individuals had done with their lives. The biggest surprise was that the people who seemed the most happy were not those who had ‘made it’ in the sense that I would have understood. There were a number of people in my income bracket—lawyers, computer guys—but for the most part they were the most unhappy and lonely.”
“The interaction that really affected me was with an old girlfriend who was a nursery school teacher. When she talked about ‘her kids,’ her eyes would light up with a kind of excitement and energy I hadn't seen for years.
“It came to me that she had a very deep connection to the people in her work life—kids, parents, and other teachers—that came out of her giving them her time, energy, and enthusiasm, whereas I had all the trimmings of a great life but wasn't connected to anything at all except my wallet. That was the beginning of my midlife crisis, and it hasn't been easy. I decided to take a small step and become a Big Brother to a twelve-year-old kid from the projects. I've been really enjoying myself, taking him to ball games and helping with homework.”
The wonderful thing about giving is that you can't help but experience a good feeling when you do it. Humans are social creatures. We're made to live within the company of others, and initiating that connection—making it concrete—just feels good in and of itself. When we get narrowly focused on just ourselves, we lose track of the sense of connection to others that helping gives us and instead experience isolation and loneliness. Far too many of us are stuck in that state today. Cut off from enough meaningful contact, we drift alone in the universe. No matter our circumstances, we can always experience human connection simply by reaching out to help someone else. When it comes to connecting, what you give is what you'll get.
Giving Allows Us to Look Deeply at Ourselves
Just as we are, we are giving and receiving life.But we miss this because we are caught up with all of theefforts to be right, to be the best, to be the winner, to be first. Allthe evaluations and judgments we make about ourselvesand others separate us from this simple being.
—ROBERT JOSHIN ALTHOUSE SENSEI
for three years, I delivered dinner once a week to people with AIDS. I would go to the distribution point, pick up ten or fifteen packaged meals, get a piece of paper that showed me the addresses of where to go, and set off. For three years I watched my reactions to the very simple act of delivering food, and I learned a lot about myself.
People with chronic illnesses tend to be worse off financially, and it was certainly true of the folks on my route. I was required to drive in the “worst” part of town, and it was usually dark when I made my rounds. My first reaction was fear. After a few weeks, I became somewhat comfortable, and the fear mostly receded into the background. Sometimes if I were walking down the long, dark corridor of a welfare hotel, I would fear the thought of someone grabbing me, raping me, and infecting me with AIDS.
Most of the time, what I felt was pride. Wasn't I a “good” person to be doing such a thing? Wasn't I brave, generous, even saintly? Every time I delivered the meals, I had a story line about my virtuous behavior running in my head. I was so caught up with myself that on more than one occasion, I missed a chance to be truly helpful because I was so caught up in either my fear or my grandiose thoughts.
My goal with this story is to point out that giving triggers all kinds of thoughts and feelings. Examining them can be useful in our personal development—we learn more if we adopt an “Oh, isn't that interesting,” approach to what we discover instead of bludgeoning ourselves with “Aren't I terrible?” My experience with the meals showed me how much I want to look good—especially to myself.
What should you do with what you discover about yourself? Acknowledge it—you really need to think of yourself as a good person. Have compassion for it. Don't try to fix or change it. Just hold the truth in the spaciousness of your being. By accepting it instead of denying it, pushing it away, trying to make it be different, or forcing yourself into some other position, you create the space for it to transform. Even if it never changes, at least you are aware of it and you're being generous regardless of your motivation. In the end, the good we do is much more significant than any mixed motives we might have.
Generosity Helps Us see There Is No Difference Between Giving and Receiving
Each day as we embrace the sun with love and joy,we can come to the realization that giving and receivingare the same. Therefore, we will give equallywithout reservation.
—AEESHA ABABIO-CLOTTEY AND KOKOMON CLOTTEY
In the book Beyond Fear, social worker Aeesha Ababio-Clottey tells this story. Every day, on her way to and from work, she passed the same homeless person begging at the entrance to the subway. Rushing past, she would never even look at him, much less put a penny in his cup. One evening, she was a dime short for the ticket that would get her home. “1 looked around,” she wrote, “and everyone was in a hurry, trying to get home…. And as I looked, people avoided eye contact, with the unspoken message: Don't ask me!”
Finally, in her desperation, she turned to the beggar and asked to borrow a dime. He insisted she take a quarter. Then she inquired if he had a place to live and told him about the treatment center where she worked and how she could help him. “I'm quite happy, thank you,” he replied. “I meet all kinds of people here, and I really enjoy myself and I don't want to change it.”
What a morality play! The professional “giver,” the social worker, has ignored the professional “receiver,” the beggar, for months. Then she ends up having to receive from him, and discovers that while he has no use for what she has to give, he has what she needs.
It's easy in the giving position to assume a sense of superiority—I, in my benevolence, will assist you, you poor thing. This creates all kinds of problems: The receiver can fall into a sense of inferiority and dependence that often creates anger and resentment, while the giver develops an inflated ego and a false sense of independence. When we remember that at any given moment we might be