Zero to Five. Tracy Cutchlow
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does create a buffer against stress. Women, pregnant and not, were exposed to the same stressor, and the pregnant women had lower heart rates and cortisol levels. But if you’re experiencing chronic stress or anxiety, especially starting in the second trimester, make it a priority to remedy your situation.
If you can’t manage to lower your stress during pregnancy, focus on creating a trusting relationship with your newborn baby (see page 38). This has been shown to mitigate the effects of prenatal stress.
THE RESEARCH
Ice storm babies fall behind
When a freezing rain fell on eastern Canada in 1998, more than a million people lost electricity for up to forty days, and a hundred thousand families were shuttled into emergency shelters.
Women who were pregnant during all this were, understandably, stressed in a toxic way. It turns out their children were, too: at age 5½, the kids had lower IQs and poorer language abilities than kids whose mothers weren’t affected by the storm.
List any areas causing you toxic stress.
What big or small steps can you take to regain control?
What will you do for yourself to reduce stress in general?
Women in two-income households still do most of the work around the house.
This imbalance is a major minefield that new parents face, especially because baby brings so many new chores. It’s also one of the most frequently cited sources of marital conflict. Find a fair solution, and it might save your marriage. (Hey, it might even improve your sex life. A study of nearly seven thousand couples found that as men’s share of the weekly housework increases, couples have sex a little more often.)
Bottom line: if you’re both working outside the home, household duties need to be shared fairly.
Gay couples are much better at this than straight couples, studies show, because they can’t fall back on the assumptions that come with traditional gender roles. They have to start from scratch and divvy up every single task.
This is what you need to do, too.
A ton of work
My husband and I were pretty surprised by the increase in housework that came with having a baby. This may be because, focused on our careers, we had done as little of it as possible. For example, we used to do laundry every two weeks, if we felt like it. Baby’s cloth diapers and major spit-up habit meant we suddenly found ourselves doing laundry every two days.
We used to dirty one or two pans for dinner—if we weren’t eating out. Plenty of nights we’d cook some pasta, stir in some spinach, and open a jar of sauce. Or toss a pizza in the oven. When baby started eating solid foods, I spent a lot more time cooking fresh produce, beans, and grains. Suddenly we were cleaning a whole pile of kitchen gear every night.
Not to mention wiping off and sweeping up food smeared on the table and dropped on the floor three meals a day. Or picking up toys and the contents of drawers constantly strewn across the house. Or making sure the floors were passably clean, since baby spent so much time on them.
You get the point. Housework goes from “if we get to it” weekly to “must be done” several times daily.
So you can imagine how resentment will quickly build if one person shoulders an unfair amount of that work.
Who will do which chores?
People tend to be satisfied with their contribution to household work—and dissatisfied with their partner’s contribution, studies show. And both parties feel underappreciated. So putting things down on paper is a clear, data-driven way to get on the same page.
With your partner, write down the household tasks each of you is responsible for, or use the list at right as inspiration. If the list is lopsided, decide how to balance it. One strategy is to claim chores you’re each good at or don’t mind doing. Compromise on the rest: flip a coin, trade off, or do them together.
Doing some chores together (say, one person cooks the main dish and the other makes the sides, or both of you clean at the same time) is good for your relationship, too.
FIRST SHIFT, SECOND SHIFT, THIRD SHIFT
The house turns into such a wreck each day, my husband and I made a pact. He would clean the house in the morning, after feeding baby breakfast and playing, so I wasn’t starting the day with a mess. I would clean the house before he returned from work, so he wasn’t coming home to chaos. Then we would tidy up together after dinner. When we stick to our plan, we find that our moods improve, and so do our attitudes toward each other.
TRY THIS
One quick way to make sure you’re left doing most of the work is to continually criticize your partner’s help. Cut each other some slack. Just say, “Thanks. I really appreciate that you put the dishes in the dishwasher.”
Depression among new parents is more common than you might think, and not discussed as much as it should be.
Postpartum depression can hit both parents. And if mom is depressed, it’s more likely that dad will be, too. The exact cause of postpartum depression isn’t known, but hormones, lack of sleep, and stress are thought to be contributing factors. Fortunately, postpartum depression is treatable. Sooner is better.
Depression affects baby’s brain, too. Depressed parents are less responsive to their babies, and they engage less positively with their babies. At 9 months old, the babies are
• less social,
• not as good at regulating their behavior,
• more emotionally negative,
• more easily stressed.
Ways to prepare
Find a counselor before baby comes, so you’ll have a number to call if you need it. Ask your doctor, midwife, doula, or friends for a recommendation. You want someone who can see you immediately, not in six weeks.
Designate a close friend or family member, or both, to tell you if he or she sees symptoms of depression in you, because you might not see them in yourself.
When to get help
A couple weeks of “baby blues”—fatigue, sadness, and worry—are normal. But if you feel anxious and overwhelmed most of the time, for longer than two weeks, get help. No excuses. No judgment. For men, common symptoms include feeling tired and irritable, escaping (into work, sports, alcohol), or acting more controlling, aggressive, or reckless. For women, see the next page.
THINK ABOUT IT
Do I have postpartum depression?
If you have had a baby within the last twelve months, and you have experienced some of these symptoms for more than two weeks, please find help. This list comes from Katherine Stone, publisher of