Sex, God, and Marriage. Johann Arnold Christoph
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instinctive longing to achieve a closer likeness to him, a longing that urges us toward love, community, and unity. In his last prayer, Jesus points out the importance of this longing: “May they all be one, as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, so also may they be in us, that the world may believe that thou didst send me” (John 17:20–21 neb).
No one can truly live without love: it is God’s will for every person to be the “thou” for every other. Every person is called to love and help those around him on God’s behalf (Gen. 4:8–10).
God wants us to find community with one another and to help one another in love. And there is no doubt that when we meet our brother’s or sister’s inmost heart, we can help them, for “our” help is given by God himself. As John says, “We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death” (1 John 3:14). Our lives are fulfilled only when love is kindled, proved, and brought to fruition.
Jesus tells us that the two most important commandments are to love God with our whole heart, soul, and strength, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. And these two commandments cannot be separated: love to God must always mean love to one’s neighbor. We cannot find a relationship with God if we disregard others (1 John 4:19–21). Our way to God must be through our brothers and sisters, and in marriage, through our spouse.
If we are filled with God’s love, we can never be lonely or withdrawn for long; we will always find someone to reach out to. God and our neighbor will always be near us. All we need to do is find them. Recently a young man in my community shared with me his newly discovered joy in reaching out to others. Sean had been living in Baltimore doing volunteer work building homes for the disadvantaged. He thought that this would be enough. However, when he came home at the end of the day he didn’t know what to do:
I found myself wasting away in front of the television. My zest for life was rapidly diminishing. Then someone told me about an evening tutoring program for inner-city children. They were desperately looking for help. So I decided to check it out. Now I help out every night. I can’t believe how my whole perspective on life has changed. I never knew before how much I needed to love these children.
When we suffer from loneliness, it is often simply because our focus is on ourselves; we desire to be loved rather than to give love. Real happiness comes from giving love to others. We need to seek community of love with our neighbor again and again, and in this seeking we must each become a helper, a brother or a sister. Let us ask God to free our choked-up hearts for this love, knowing that we can find it only in the humility of the cross.
Every person can be an instrument of God’s love.
In the story of the creation of Adam and Eve it is clear that man and woman were created to help, to support, to complement each other. What a joy it must have been for God to bring woman to man, and man to woman! Because we are all made in the image of God, in his likeness, we can all find each other in joy and love, whether we are married or not.
By bringing Eve to Adam, God shows all humans their true calling – to be helpers who reveal his love to the world. And by bringing us his son, Jesus, he shows us that he will never leave us lonely or without help. Jesus himself said, “I will not leave you orphaned; I will come to you.” He promises us that “the man who has received my commandments and obeys them – he it is who loves me; and he who loves me will be loved by my Father; and I will love him and disclose myself to him” (John 14:18–21 neb).
Who can understand the depth of these words and the hope they bring to our troubled world? The loneliest, most discouraged, disillusioned people may be assured that God will never forsake them. Even if they are unable to find human friendship, they will never be alone as long as they hold on to God.
God brought Adam and Eve together to heal their loneliness and to set them free from their one-sidedness, and he has the same plan for every man and woman he brings together in marriage. Yet marriage in itself cannot bring wholeness. Unless we abide in Christ, we will not bear good fruit. When we love him who alone is our support, our hope, and our life, we can be secure in knowing and loving one another. But if we isolate ourselves from Christ, nothing will go well. He alone holds everything together and gives us access to God and to others (Col. 1:17–20).
God is the source and the object of true love.
Marriage is not the highest goal of life. God’s image is reflected most brightly and completely where there is love first for him and then for our brothers and sisters. In a true Christian marriage, then, the husband will lead his wife and children not to himself, but to God. In the same way, a wife will support her husband as a helper, and together they will raise their children to honor them as father and mother, and to love God as their creator.
To be a helper to another on God’s behalf is not just an obligation, but a gift. How different our relationships would be if we rediscovered this! We live in a time when fear and mistrust grip us everywhere we go. Where is love, the love that builds community and the church?
There are two kinds of love. One is turned selflessly toward others and their well-being. The other is possessive and limited to the ego. Augustine says, “Love is the self of the soul, the hand of the soul. When it holds one thing, it cannot hold something else. If it is to hold what one gives it, it has to put down what it is holding.”4 God’s love desires nothing. It gives and sacrifices itself, for this is its joy.
Love always has its roots in God. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). May God grant that the power of his love grips us anew. It will lead us to others, to share our lives with them. More than that, it will lead us to the kingdom. Love is the secret of God’s coming kingdom.
3
They Shall Become One Flesh
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
Marriage is sacred. In the Old Testament, the prophets use it to describe God’s relationship with his people Israel: “I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord” (Hos. 2:19–20). God reveals his love to all people in a special way in the unique bond between husband and wife.
Marriage is more than living happily together.
In the New Testament, marriage is used as a symbol for the unity of Christ with his church. In the Gospel of John, Jesus is compared to a bridegroom, and in Revelation we read that “the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready” (Rev. 19:7).
It is not without significance that Jesus changed water into wine at a wedding; clearly, he had great joy in marriage. Yet it is equally clear that to Jesus, marriage is a holy matter. He takes it so seriously that he speaks with uncompromising sharpness against even the slightest step toward its destruction: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matt. 19:6).
We can see from Jesus’ sharpness what a horror adultery is in the eyes of God. The whole Bible protests against it, from the books of the Prophets, where the idol worship of the children of Israel is called adultery (Jer. 13:25–27), to Revelation, where we read of God’s wrath against the harlot. When the bond of marriage is broken, love – the unity of spirit and soul between two – is broken and smashed, and not only between the adulterer and his spouse, but between himself and God.
In our present-day culture, the institution of marriage is on the brink of disaster. It is no longer understood as an inviolable union of one man and one woman who serve one another until death parts them. Much of what is called love is nothing but selfish desire. Even in marriage many couples live together selfishly. People are deceived in thinking that fulfillment can be found without sacrifice and faithfulness, and even though they may live together, they are afraid to forgo their personal freedoms and love each other unconditionally.
Still, amid millions of floundering and ruined marriages, God’s love stands eternal and cries out for constancy and devotion. There is a voice deep within each of us, however muffled, that calls us back