I was aware of the impact of my emotional and mental well-being on my baby during my pregnancy, yet I was living a stressful life. I allowed my work environment to bounce me from emotion to emotion while knowing that I was not choosing the most optimal external and internal influences for the incoming soul.

      Allowing circumstances and people to control my state of mind led me to a disempowered birth experience as well. I gave my power to my medical team, and they took care of me the best way they knew how. With the care of Western medicine and use of statistical data, I became another pitocin-induced, narcotic-managed birthing woman. My baby was born, allowed to be on my chest to nurse for minutes, and then prodded, poked, bundled, and returned to my husband’s arms as I was stitched up, owing to the forceful delivery.

      Comparing my experience to television birthing shows, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Yet I had wanted it differently. I knew what I had intended, and I hid behind positive thinking and blindly trusting my obstetrician when the time to birth arrived. Really, it was not her responsibility to grant me my desires. It was mine.

      I learned so much from the choices, decisions, and essence of who I was then. The healing began when my baby girl was diagnosed with cranial synostosis. This is a condition where two bones in her skull had fused in utero. I broke into tears realizing the impact of my co-destructive choices. My husband embraced me, pleading with me to let go of all this pain and reassuring me that everything would be fine with all of us.

      Overcompensating for my disempowered pregnancy and birth, I decided I would process all my pain prior to my daughter’s upcoming surgery. I wanted to be strong and present for her. Approaching it as a preparation for an exam, I researched, meditated, cried, and asked all the whys. I promised myself and I promised her that on the day of the surgery I would be a rock for her and everyone else. And so I was.

      The surgery was a success, and she recovered faster than anyone expected. We attributed this to breastfeeding, love, and the countless prayers. Yet I knew I had not resolved the personal trauma of my first experience of giving birth. The opportunity to create a different way began when we made the deliberate and sacred intention to conceive a second child. I wanted a truly inspired pregnancy and childbirth experience that reflected my heart as well as the energy of this welcomed soul. I wanted to be led by the Divine.

      I surrendered to being led as a blindfolded child to an unexpected surprise, and yet there was a sense of ownership too. I wanted to process all fears and embrace birth in its most primal. As I processed my fears, I decided to go deeper in manifesting the birth of this baby. I was in pursuit of pleasurable birth—I desired pleasure on physical, mental, and spiritual levels during this birth. Later, I realized that it was also the birth of my own life.

      The veil of truth and deep desire to be authentic is so thin during pregnancy that it is the perfect opportunity to expand a woman’s consciousness. See, I believe that we are evolving as a species, and the children we are giving birth to are more aware. This heightened awareness is reflected in their higher vibration. The time of pregnancy is an opportunity to be intimate with this expanded awareness, and if we engage it, it becomes a window for growth.

      Reacting to life with grace became my daily practice. I utilized whatever alternative method that felt appropriate. I used acupuncture to manage my anger, and art therapy, “Painless Childbirth Using Reiki,” and spiritual coaching to process my fears. I enlisted my husband with facing our fears. I knew that agreeing to a home birth was outside his comfort zone, and I also knew that this was a clear request from the baby’s soul. The communication with the “unseen” became more clear. I felt nudged to accept energetic attunements; I finished Reiki II training and was ordained as a minister. I felt clear on what tests to decline at the doctor’s office, what books to read and avoid, and when to gently end conversations that could potentially feed my fears. I had also been invited to step up in my goddess discovery leadership role, as a clear metaphor for what was to come after the birth of this baby. I had no idea of the impact this birth would have on my life, yet I could feel that my soul was grounded, passionate, and determined.

      The day came for her birth. There were some lingering fears, but my unwavering desire to birth at home was clear. I befriended each contraction and surrendered to love during transition and pushing. I did not feel pain. It was intense, yes; but I had trained my mind to perceive this act of power and love with different eyes—eyes full of wonder and inquiry. No expectations, no dilation to track, only openness to be led to the next moment. And so I birthed with ecstasy, and my life has forever been transformed by that August afternoon and the thirty-nine weeks preceding it. I am on my way to healing from my first daughter’s birth. I am grateful for both births because without them both, I could not have given birth to the work that calls me.

       Fear versus Intuitive Intimacy

      The subconscious is responsible for 80 percent of decisions and actions taken. It is a compilation of childhood experiences, belief systems programmed early in life, and past-life influence. The reticular (or survival)