The Further Adventures of An Idiot Abroad. Karl Pilkington
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I don’t know why we started using silent letters in the English language like using a ‘p’ to sound like an ‘f’ in the word ‘phonetic’ or an ‘x’ in ‘xylophone’. Why not ‘zilofone’? Our words have become so long and complicated we’ve had to come up with abbreviations to help us use words we don’t know how to spell. If I was in charge of the dictionary I would have a right clear-out of words. Words like ‘necrophilia’ I’d get rid of. If someone has that (attraction to dead bodies), I’d make them say, ‘I fancy dead bodies’. Then, at least when they tell people, they might realise how mental it sounds rather than it being hidden in a posh word. And then they’ll stop having the problem. The fact that it has its own word makes it seem more acceptable.
On the rest of the trip I spent most of my time looking at billboards and signs to work out what they were saying. It was like looking at those images that were popular in the 1980s where if you stared at them for long enough you’d see a monkey riding a unicorn. Some examples for you: ‘Mi wantem’ is ‘I would like’. ‘Mi wantem’ sounds like ‘Me want them’, which equals ‘I would like’. ‘Bitwin’ is ‘between’. ‘Bisnis’ is ‘business’. By now you’ve probably got the hang of it, so I don’t have to tell you what ‘Gud moning’ means. If you’re still struggling you’re a ‘dik ed’.
I gave Albi the photos of Prince Philip that Luke had cut from magazines and he was really really happy with them, so I gave him the coin as well. He was even more chuffed. Luke said I’d made a bit of an error giving Albi the coin, as I should have saved it for the main chief of the village. We didn’t have any more coins, so I wanted him to hide it, but this is the problem with wearing nothing but a wicker knob coverer – there’s nowhere for small change. I gestured that he should hold it tight in his hand and show no one.
Suzanne doesn’t allow me to gamble. Now and again I want to sign up to gambling sites online but she says, ‘No, once you’re signed up you’ll be gambling all the time and lose everything.’ She’s probably right. I used to like fruit machines when I was younger but I find they’ve all got a bit complicated now. It used to be three pears or three melons to win the jackpot but now there’s so many fancy fruits in the world they’ve had to add more reels to fruit machines so there’s less chance of winning. They seem to have loads more buttons and lights flashing than they used to have too. I had a go on one in a service station recently that flashed and made so much noise I may as well have just stayed in the car park and kicked a car to set off its alarm, I would have got the same result and saved myself 20p.
We got to the village after an hour’s drive. All eyes were on me as I got out the back of the van. They stared at me stony-faced and the only noise came from a pair of scrawny-looking dogs having it away and the flapping of a British flag they were flying high. I’ve never been a fan of flags. I don’t think they’re necessary anymore. When I see the British flag I don’t feel it’s important to me. Maybe before the invention of words they were handy to mark a territory, but now, what are they for? I see people waving them at sporting events, but most of the time I don’t know what country the flag is from. When Neil Armstrong put a flag on the moon what would it mean to someone from another planet who landed and saw it? When he stuck it into the moon’s surface it just stood there, like one of Suzanne’s mam’s towels when she’s forgotten to use softener, all hard and stiff. The only good thing about a flag is, you can wash them and then put them straight back out to use, and they can dry while doing their job. The only proper use of our flag is that if you fly the British flag upside down it is a distress signal, but then not many people know that, and what are the chances of having a flag on you when in a distressed moment?
I think the whole of the village was out to greet me, but then I suppose when you live in mud huts any excuse to get out is a good one. Albi was definitely the happiest man in the village, but was that just because he was five quid up? JJ led me to see the collection of photos of Prince Philip they had hung on a piece of string. Some were cut from magazines, some were postcards. Then I came across one of JJ and Albi wearing dinner jackets along with a few others, stood next to Prince Philip. I don’t like wearing suits as I always feel overdressed, but that saying has never been more apt for JJ and Albi. They looked really different in a suit. JJ said they went to meet him at Windsor. Normally, to get this close to Philip you’d have to take part in the Duke of Edinburgh Awards. A lad at school climbed some mountain in Scotland and got the award, but I don’t think he got to meet him. I thought I was getting involved in the DoE Awards when my school sent me to hand out biscuits at the local mental home, but it turned out I was just sent to help. To this day I don’t really know why I was sent there instead of being in school.
There’s a saying that you should never meet your idols. I tend to agree with it as when I was a kid I liked Gary Glitter, so good advice. But recently when I was in India I went out of my way to meet Ganga and Jamuna. They are conjoined twins. I never thought I would meet conjoined twins. They’re less common than a four-leaf clover even though now is probably the best time for them, what with all the two-for-one offers that are out there. In a world where everybody looks the same it was good to meet Ganga and Jumuna and I will never forget it.
I like the way they have a god who they can actually contact and get answers from. People have lots of different gods, but how many of them can say they’ve had a photo with them like some of these lot have? They believed in something that made them happy, so what does it matter? A lot of people would be keen to tell them it’s nonsense, but sometimes the truth doesn’t matter. I think we’re too keen to state the truth about everything. There was a programme on Channel 5 ages ago called The Truth about the Killer Squid as if its lies were that important.
JJ asked me to join everyone for food. As we sat on the ground I noticed everyone that faced me had beards, which I remember Seaplane Paul had said was the sign of a death. Suzanne tells me I look like a scruff when I don’t shave, but if I was walking about nude like this lot what’s the point in having a nice smooth face when my hairy arse and back would be on show for everyone to see? I asked who had died, and they said it was the supreme chief who had reached 111 years old. Maybe he was – it’s a healthy lifestyle – but when living like this I imagine it’s easy to get dates wrong. Every day would feel the same. Why do they need to know if it’s Thursday? They don’t have bins to put out or bills to pay by a certain date, they do what they need to do when it needs doing. Simple.
My mam only needs to know what day it was so she’d know which TV soap to watch, but since Coronation Street, EastEnders and Emmerdale seem to be on every night these days I don’t think she has a clue what day it is.
I’d be happy to do this, if someone took me there – although I don’t really see the point. What you wouldn’t catch me doing is living there. Imagine trying to arrange for a builder or a plumber to come round? It gives them the perfect excuse to mess you around.
JJ said, ‘And this is the son that is in place of the supreme chief. And his speech is: “I would like to take this opportunity to thank you and to tell you that we appreciate your presence here, and to tell you that it’s the first time in our history that we the black people and the white people sit together here to share food. In the past, our ancestors and our elders never ate together with the white people, and we want this unity and the peace.”’