Anger Work: How To Express Your Anger and Still Be Kind. Dr. Robert Puff
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that return to them whenever they slow down enough to have quiet time to think. You probably know someone who will tell you he doesn’t like to be alone, or a friend that says she likes to keep busy because otherwise she “thinks too much.” In actuality, of course, the mere quantity of thought is not the problem...surely everyone can afford a free hour or two of thought each week without any harmful effects. Yet many busy people do not allow even that much time for quiet contemplation. The reason is that they find their thoughts continually returning to particular memories, worries, feelings of guilt, or self-doubt.
Usually people feel helpless with respect to making the memories go away, solving the problem, or resolving the nagging feelings. The best they can do is to avoid these reoccurring thoughts by not allowing themselves time to think. They find some behavior or substance that is the emotional equivalent of a painkiller (a drug which deadens the sensation of pain without remedying the source of the pain). They may turn to a variety of means for suppressing their feelings.
Some people turn to drugs (prescription or illicit) and alcohol to alter their moods so that they don’t have to feel their true responses to the events of their life. This is the most well-known type of addiction, but there are other ways to suppress your feelings that don't involve substance abuse, and these may be harder to recognize. Unlike the decision to take a pill when you’ve got a headache, the decision to suppress feelings is not always a conscious choice. Some addictions are so subtle that they are even socially acceptable.
For example, one method is to develop a sort of addiction to romance. People who choose this route may constantly keep finding new love interests to occupy their time and/or thoughts. This may take the form of short, serial relationships with a pattern of breaking up or moving on as soon as it gets “boring”. In this case, ‘boring’ usually means that the initial “getting to know you” or infatuation stage has passed.
There is another form of this “romance addiction” in which the individual may have long term, rocky relationships. The partners may fight passionately, make-up, and then love passionately, only to start the cycle over again. Whenever things start to calm down one of the partners will introduce some new, troubling behavior to ensure that things remain consistently tumultuous. Regardless, the two feel inexplicably drawn to one another. For both types of romance addicts an ordinary, long term relationship with a stable partner will not do, because such a relationship is not consuming enough to serve its purpose. It is deemed “boring” because it does not provide adequate distraction from whatever they are running from.
Another addiction that may overlap with romance addiction, though not usually, is sexual addiction. In this case addicts obsess over the idea of engaging in sexual activity. Depending on the severity of the case this behavior can sometimes be viewed as socially acceptable. It can range from monogamous relationships in which the sexual aspect is over-emphasized, to extremely perverse behavior. Other examples include bar-hopping and one night stands, married partners who are habitually unfaithful, pornography addicts, and child abusers.
Sex addicts may devote enormous amounts of time to the pursuit of partners, or to fantasizing and self-stimulation. Their encounters are not characterized by genuine emotional intimacy, because genuine intimacy requires that both partners be in touch with their feelings. Sex addicts use sex to stuff down their real feelings. They are not emotionally available to the partner if there is one, and may even be overtly abusive. Work-addiction or “workaholism” is one of the most socially acceptable addictions that there is. In fact, unlike most addictions, this one can even generate praise and admiration for the addict. Many work-addicts are financially successful and hold prestigious positions. The line between healthy ambition and work-addiction is often fuzzy. Anyone who works for salary knows that there is always something else you could stay late to work on. Those who punch a time clock can sign up for overtime or get a second or third job. Often these extra jobs seem necessary just to “make the bills.” Remember, most bills represent choices made. What are you choosing above your own peace and wholeness? Power locks and windows on your car? More toys? Think about it.
If you keep your mind so focused on your work that it precludes having time to feel or think about your problems, worries, and doubts, then you are probably addicted to your work. However, workaholism is not the only way to accomplish this effect. There is another category of addiction that I call “busyism”.
Busyism is very close to work-addiction. The main difference is that you do not get paid for your efforts, and your time and energies can be spread over a broader spectrum of interests. Like work-addiction, busyism is likely to bring you praise from the outside world for your devotion and many hours of service.
An example of busyism is the college student who takes 18 units, is vice-president of the Honor society, actively participates in a political action group, mentors an at-risk youth and is present for all family functions. There never seems to be enough time to resolve those nagging doubts or ask the big questions.
Another example is the “Stay-at-home” mom who never seems to have any time to stay at home because she is always taking her kids, the dry-cleaning, the Cub Scouts, or her father who is in failing health somewhere. She often feels frazzled and never has time for herself.
Still another example is the business executive who finally retired from his high-stress job only to find himself chairman of the homeowners grounds committee, deacon at his local church, fund-raiser for the new YMCA senior center, and Mr. Fix-it to all his family and close neighbors. He still doesn’t have much time for dates with his wife, quiet times of contemplation, or those rambling vacations he was looking forward to for all those years.
Some people habitually take-on “project friends”. These friends are very needy and so the “busy” person spends a great deal of time counseling, consoling, and rescuing the project friend from messes s/he has gotten him/herself into. Constantly being involved in someone else’s life that is so messed up can be very distracting from the problems of one’s own life. This is another form of busyism.
Am I saying that everyone who volunteers for a non-profit organization or holds down a good job is somehow off-balance? Of course not! Obviously there is a healthy place for helping others just as there is for work, romance, and sex. It is when you do not balance them with reflective time spent processing your feelings that there is danger. When these activities are habitually used as a means to distract you from the issues that you need to deal with, then you know that you are addicted.
You need to evaluate how much time you have to yourself to reflect on how you’re doing, what you’re feeling, and whether you have any problems you need to resolve. Are the relationships in your life going well? Are you giving enough time and energy to them? Do you spend the time and energy building into yourself so that if you lost your job or role tomorrow it wouldn’t take your identity with it?
Everyone needs some quiet time like this. If you realize that you have none then I urge you to experiment with taking at least a half a day to be by yourself, examining your feelings about your life, and see what comes up. Remember, anything that may surface is actually there all the time buzzing around in the back of your mind, adding to your stress.
Using the addictions and behaviors just discussed to avoid the deeper issues may help you hold it together and keep up appearances for a while. However, it is as unwise as letting termites eat away at your home. After a while there will be nothing but a shell, and eventually the whole thing will come crashing down around you. Turning to these distractions is like feeling safe only when your head is under the covers. Anger work provides a means by which you can confront that boogie man lurking in the corner of your mind, and eventually vanquish it.
If you have examined yourself and decided that you do not have any of the addictions listed above, then look a little farther and ask yourself if you suffer from depression or stress-related illnesses. These are different from addictions, but they still fall under the category of “Things People Do Instead Of Doing Anger Work.” Like addictions they serve the roll of distracting you from your true feelings. They are evidence of suppressed emotions.
If you struggle with depression, stress-related illness, or find that you need to use constant activity, alcohol, or other drugs to keep disturbing fears, worries, or self-doubts at bay, these