Blackouts and Breakdowns. Mark Brennan Rosenberg
Читать онлайн книгу.
Uncle Pete, you’re crazy,” Stephanie replied. I, on the other hand, thought this was an amazing idea.
“Come on Stephanie, let’s go steal the Buck Lane sign. It will be funny.”
“I don’t know about that guys. What if we get arrested?” Evelyn, the ruiner of everyone’s fun said.
“No one is going to get arrested,” I said. “Don’t worry. It will be fun.”
Stephanie, Evelyn and I grabbed some tools out of Stephanie’s garage and got in the car in hopes of stealing the Buck Lane sign. We drove back to Buck Lane and parked the car.
“Ok Mark, get the sign,” Stephanie said.
“Why do I have to steal the sign? My last name isn’t Buck,” I replied.
“Because it was your idea jackass,” Evelyn replied.
Evelyn and Stephanie sat in the car as I climbed on top of it, tools in hand, ready to pry the sign off of its hinges. Shortly after I got on top of the car, I realized that it was Stephanie’s drunken uncle’s idea to steal the Buck Lane sign, not mine, but I was already on top of the car so I just continued. I used the wrench to try and unhinge the sign, but it would not budge. I then tried to use the hammer we had brought to hammer it off, but that did not work. I had never used either a wrench or a hammer before in my life and was not really sure what I was supposed to do. I banged on the sign with the hammer a few more times but nothing happened. I climbed off the car and got back inside.
“I can’t get it off,” I said, “It won’t budge.”
“I guess we are going to have to forget about it then,” Evelyn said.
“No!” I yelled. “I am getting the Buck Lane sign if it’s the last thing I do.” I was now determined to steal this sign. I gathered myself and got back on top of the car, tools in hand, ready to get the sign. The livelihood of the Buck family depended on it. I hammered away at the sign again but nothing happened. I used the wrench to try and unscrew the sign from the pole it was on, but nothing happened. It was dead-bolted and wasn’t going anywhere. I got back into the car.
“I don’t understand why you are so determined to get this f-ing sign,” Evelyn exclaimed.
“Because you have put this idea in my head now and I want it!” I replied. The truth was, I really did not care, but I was high enough and the idea was in my head so as far as I was concerned, it was the only thing on my agenda for the rest of the evening.
“Cars keep coming by and looking at you standing on top of our car trying to steal this sign. Maybe this isn’t the best idea after all,” Stephanie chimed in.
“Whatever, bitches. Drive down the street so I can try and steal the other Buck Lane sign,” I said.
Evelyn drove down the street to where the other Buck Lane sign was located. Again, I got on top of the car and tried to rig the sign off of its latches to no avail. I got back in and felt totally defeated. I had the thought of stealing this sign in my head and nothing would make it go away.
“Oh well,” Stephanie sighed. “Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” Evelyn started the car and we drove away from the Buck Lane sign. As we drove down the street, I could not help but notice everyone’s lawns were decorated quite nicely with Christmas decorations. Suddenly, as I continued smoking a blunt, I had an epiphany.
“Evelyn, stop the car!” I yelled. Evelyn’s car came to a complete stop. “Fuck the Buck Lane sign, let’s steal Christmas decorations off of people’s yards.”
“Oh, Mark I don’t know about that,” Evelyn said, “What if we get caught?”
“We won’t get caught. It will be fun. Let’s drive around and try to steal decorations. It will be hilarious.”
It took a few minutes, but I finally convinced the girls that it was the most brilliant idea I had ever had. We had smoked a lot of weed and anything from an impromptu trip to New York or opening up a brothel would have sounded like a good idea. Evelyn drove down the street and we pulled up to a house that had a full on cardboard cutout nativity scene on their lawn.
“I bet I can steal the Baby Jesus,” I said.
“I think that’s sacrilegious. Isn’t it?” Stephanie asked.
“I think it’s pretty much like slapping God in the face or something,” Evelyn said.
“Whatever,” I replied as I hopped out of the car. I crept onto the lawn of the unsuspecting family’s home. They had a full on nativity scene going on, complete with animals and wise men, but it was the manger with the Baby Jesus that I had my eye on. I crept closer to the scene and saw that the family was sitting in their home, around a piano singing Christmas carols. All of a sudden, I was literally the Grinch who stole Christmas. I crept over a wise man and around the sheep, keeping one eye on the family inside to make sure they could not see what I was doing. As I made my way around the nativity scene, I knocked over the Virgin Mary. Thinking I had little time, I left her there and made a break for the Baby J. He looked so cute lying in the hay. I grabbed him and ran back to Evelyn’s car. I could hear Evelyn and Stephanie laughing uproariously as I made a beeline back to the vehicle. I hopped in and Evelyn sped away, laughing all the way.
“Oh my God, that was the funniest thing I have ever seen!” Evelyn said as she high-tailed it down the road.
“I have never laughed so hard,” Stephanie replied. “I want to try. Let’s find another nativity scene.”
“This time, get a light up Baby Jesus,” I said. “My Baby Jesus wants a brother!”
We could not find another nativity scene until we passed a church.
“Is it bad to steal from a church?” I asked.
“Yes!” Evelyn and Stephanie said in unison.
I, however, convinced Stephanie that it was not, in fact stealing, but borrowing as we could always return him. I told her that if she took the Baby Jesus from the church, we could give it back and say that we stole it because we were doing research for school. She somehow bought it and got out of the car to steal the other Baby Jesus. She went up to the nativity scene and tried to steal it, but this was a light up Baby Jesus and there were cords involved. Stephanie ran back to the car in a fury.
“I think there was a nun or something in the bushes. I heard some rustling.” Stephanie said as she got back into the car.
“Stephanie, I don’t think nuns hang out in bushes. I think they fly or something,” I replied.
“There were cords. The Baby Jesus was connected to Joseph and so on. I could not untangle them. It is going to take a few minutes to get everything unconnected.”
“Whatever Stephanie, let’s try another one.” I said.
Evelyn drove around as we looked for another Baby Jesus to steal, but there were not many around, as we must have wandered into a Jewish neighborhood. Finally, I decided that we needed to ditch the Baby Jesus idea and just start taking whatever we could find. There was a treasure-trove of Christmas decorations that were ripe for the taking. Evelyn pulled up to a home that had a black Santa Claus on its lawn.
“Oh my God, I want that for my bedroom!” I said as I got out of the car. I had in fact always wanted a Black light up Santa Claus for my room but was too shy to buy one for myself so I figured I might as well just steal one. I crept onto the lawn where the Black Santa was surrounded by reindeer and looking extra jolly. I unplugged him from his outlet and brought him back into the car. Again, Evelyn and Stephanie were giggling like schoolgirls as they watched in awe as I stole the black Santa from his home. When I got back into the car, black Santa in tow, I decided his name was going to be Jerome. That night Evelyn, Stephanie and I had not only stolen a Baby Jesus and Black Santa, but a light-up Frosty the Snowman, garland off of someone’s fence, ornaments off of trees, Christmas lights, a potted planter that looked like a swan that had nothing to do with Christmas but we thought it would