Getting It Right: A Guide to Healthy Relationships. Dr. Robert Puff
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marriage to be. The dynamics of the relationship modeled to you will unconsciously influence what you think your role should be. Jacqueline Kennedy’s husband cheated on her just as her father had cheated on her mother. Jacqueline made the global assumption that all men cheat and that it is part of their nature. She tolerated her husband cheating because she had a philosophy that this is the way “all” men are. If your mom was a depressed person and your dad’s role was always to help her, then you may feel your role is to get in there and fix things if you take after your father. A lot of this is unconscious and you fall into repeating the behaviors because this is what you saw happen in your family.
PAST RELATIONSHIPS
Your early romantic relationships also affect your philosophy on your current relationships. If your partner cheated on you in one of your early relationships, you may think that all people cheat. Or you may have gone out with the “nice guy” or “good girl,” who turned out to be too “boring” for you. This relationship might have influenced you to date more “wild” individuals. These early relationships condition you to like and dislike certain qualities in a person. If you are aware of that and realize that you find “nice guys” or “good girls” boring, but connect it to your early experiences, then you may try to date some nice guys or good girls because they are better in the long run, and not all will be “boring.” Again, we suggest you look at the parallels between these individuals you dated early on and your parents. Looking at this might give you insight as to why you were attracted to or turned off by them. Perhaps you found the “nice guy” boring because your dad was never home and would disappear for days. While you might have hated this aspect of your father, a man who is more accountable and responsible might seem boring.
It’s probably pretty clear that we can’t turn back time and change our upbringing or past relationships, even though we all might wish we could. However, a wise man once said “Nothing is an accident,” and all of our experiences have happened for one reason or another and have brought us to where we are at this very moment. Perhaps you don’t like where this moment is right now, but that’s not to say that another moment in time won’t come along to change things for you. Be open to the possibilities, and be very open to change and growth.
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