The Red House Mystery and Other Novels. A. A. Milne
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you, Tommy, if you dare to get married before Pamela and me, there'll be trouble.
TOMMY. Why don't we ever see Pamela now?
GERALD (gaily). She is coming, my children--_mes enfants_, as Tommy will say when he gets his job as ribbon starcher to the French ambassador. To-morrow, no less. I've just had a letter. Lord, I haven't seen her for months.
LETTY. She's come back?
GERALD. Yes. Egypt knows her no more. The Sphinx is inconsolable. To-morrow at 3.30 she comes; I shall go and meet her.
TOMMY. I say, won't she be surprised about Letty and me!
GERALD. She'll be as bucked as I am. (Looking from one to the other) Has anything else frightfully exciting happened to you since lunch? Because, if not, I've got some more news.
LETTY. What is it? I love news.
GERALD. All ready? Then one, two, three: Bob is coming this afternoon.
LETTY and TOMMY together. No! Rot!
GERALD (Singing to the tune of "Here we go gathering nuts and may"). Oh, Bob is coming this afternoon, this afternoon, this afternoon! Oh, Bob is coming this afternoon, all on an autumn morning! Now then, all together.
(They join hands and march up the hall and back again, singing together.)
ALL TOGETHER (waving imaginary hats). Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
TOMMY. It doesn't make sense, you know, coming back in the afternoon on an autumn morning.
GERALD. Who cares for sense?
LETTY (squeezing his arm). Oh, Gerald, I _am_ glad. But I thought he had another week or so.
GERALD. They always let you out early, you know, if you're good. We knew he was coming soon, but we didn't quite know when. I've just had a telegram.
LETTY. Poor Bob! he must have had a time.
GERALD. What does it matter? It's over now.
TOMMY (struck by an idea). I say, this puts a bit of a stopper on our news.
GERALD (pulled up suddenly by this). Oh!
LETTY (going over and taking TOMMY'S arm). We'll go to a house where they _do_ make a fuss of us, Tommy. (Very politely) Good-bye, Mr. Farringdon, and thank you for a very pleasant Friday.
GERALD. Poor darlings! it's rather bad luck for you. Did I announce my news too soon? I'm awfully sorry.
LETTY. It wasn't your fault; you were a dear.
GERALD. As a matter of fact, it will be rather lucky, you know. It will give us something to talk about when Bob comes. (Smiling) Thanks very much for arranging it.
LETTY. Poor old Bob! I wonder what it feels like coming out of prison.
GERALD. Rotten. Now, for the Lord's sake, Tommy, be tactful.
LETTY (to GERALD). I think he'd be safer if he wasn't. Tommy's rather dangerous when he's tactful.
GERALD (thoughtfully). Yes, there _is_ that.
TOMMY. It's all the same to me. Only just let me know which you want.
GERALD. Well, as long as you don't overdo it. Don't rub it in that he's just left prison, and--don't rub it out.
TOMMY. I suppose it would be quite safe to ask him to pass the mustard?
GERALD (laughing). Good old Tommy!
LETTY. You'd better talk to me all the time, and then you'll be all right.
GERALD. We'll make it go between us. And, of course, Pamela will help to-morrow. Hooray for Pamela! It makes me quite envious seeing you young people together. By the way, I interrupted you just now.
LETTY. You did rather.
GERALD. Well, I absolutely refuse to go away now. But, of course, if you're longing to show each other the stables or anything--(with a wave of the hand) pray show. Or try anywhere else. Save for Aunt Tabitha's room upstairs and the hall down here, the whole house is at your disposal.
LETTY (sitting down firmly). Then I shall stay here. Isn't Aunt Mary back yet?
GERALD. They are probably still eating. It's the very latest millionaire from London, so they're having the lunch of their lives, I expect. Afterwards father will put him at his ease by talking about crops. (Picking up a book and settling himself comfortably in front of the fire) Tommy, if you can't find a book, sing or something.
LETTY. Oh, come on, Tommy.
[She jumps up and goes out of the door in front of the staircase. TOMMY following her.]
(Left alone, GERALD closes his book with a slam. He stands up and takes the telegram out of his pocket and reads it again. He suddenly catches sight of MISS FARRINGDON in the gallery shove, calls out "Hullo!" and goes up the stairs to meet her.)
GERALD (as he goes). You're just the person I wanted, Aunt Tabitha. I'm full of news. (He kisses her at the top of the stairs.) How are you, dear? (He offers her his arm.)
MISS FARRINGDON. If I had wanted help, down the stairs, Gerald, my maid could have given it me.
GERALD. Yes, but your maid wouldn't have enjoyed giving it you; I do.
MISS FARRINGDON. Charming Gerald. (She comes down the stairs on his arm.)
GERALD. No, happy Gerald.
MISS FARRINGDON. Is that part of the news?
GERALD. It's all because of the news.
(He arranges her in her chair by the fire and sits on the coffin-stool near her.)
MISS FARRINGDON. I heard Mr. Todd and Letty just now, so I suppose I shan't be the first to hear it. What a pity!
GERALD. Ah, but they don't count.
MISS FARRINGDON. Why not?
GERALD. Well, that's part of the news. They've just got engaged.
MISS FARRINGDON. In my young days they'd have been engaged a long time ago. When are we going to see Pamela again?
GERALD. That's more of the news. She's coming down to-morrow.
MISS FARRINGDON. That will save you a lot in stamps.
GERALD (laughing). Aunt Tabitha, you're a witch. How did you know?
MISS FARRINGDON. Know what?
GERALD. That Pamela and I haven't been writing to each other.
MISS FARRINGDON (very innocently). Haven't you?
GERALD. No. You see--oh, I hate discussing Pamela with anyone, but you're different.
MISS FARRINGDON. I always like that sort of compliment best, Gerald. The unintended sort.
GERALD. I think, you know, Pamela felt that Bob's doing to prison might make a difference. I don't mean that she didn't like the disgrace for herself, but that she was afraid that I mightn't like it for her; and so she went away, and beyond