The Bachelor Party. Ron Hummer
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“I’ll give you $100 if you win.”
“I don’t want you money. You’ll just have to leave me alone. How does that sound?”
“Fine.”
“I gotta see this,” Scott said.
I grabbed a rack and brought the balls together. “You can break.”
She smiled. “Aren’t you worried that I’ll run the table?”
“That’s probably going to be the only way you’ll win.”
Scott laughed again, slapping his knee.
She grabbed the white ball, glared at me, and lined the cue ball up as three of my other friends - Bob, Ernie, and Dale - came over to watch.
“What’s going on?” Ernie said. His voice was low, deep. He ran his hand through his coppery red hair.
“This woman challenged Jack to a game of pool,” Scott said. If she wins, then Jack has to work for her.”
“Why don’t you want to work for her?” Dale asked, sipping his Budweiser. His Yankee cap covered most of his dark hair, which was below his ears.
“She’s a lawyer,” Scott answered.
“Oh,” Dale said. “Now I understand,”
The lawyer glared at Dale, then broke the balls and the 9 dropped in the side pocket.
“I guess you don’t like lawyers either,” Elaine said
“No one likes lawyers,” I answered.
She slapped the 15 ball in the center pocket. “I’m sure they don’t feel the same way that you do.”
“I don’t like lawyers,” Bob said. He scratched his head through his blond hair.
“Neither do I,” Dale added.
“Have to agree on that,” Ernie said.
“Me too,” Scott added.
Elaine shook her had and shot the 12 ball in the corner pocket.
“You might need one day,” Elaine said
“I hope not,” Dale said. “Not sure I can afford to hire one. I mean, not like I’ll win the lawsuit. The only ones that clean up in lawsuits are the lawyers.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Ernie said, taking a long hit of his beer. “Unless you’re lucky enough to spill hot coffee all over yourself at Burger King, then you can get some money after you turn over the other half to a lawyer.”
“You would probably get about 10%,” Dale said.
Elaine shot the 13 ball in the center pocket.
“Hey guys,” I said. “What does an honest lawyer and a UFO have in common?”
“I don’t know,” Scott said.
“You always hear about them but you never see them.”
All four of my friends started laughing, Ernie slapping his knee.
Elaine tagged the 11 in the corner pocket. “You’re not going to distract me.”
“I got one, Dale said. “How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb.”
“None.” Scott said. “They only screw us.”
We all laughed at that one.
“Wrong,” Dale answered. “It’s one to do it, and the other two sue for malpractice.”
We all started laughing again.
“You guys are so funny,” Elaine said
“Hey,” I said, “If you don’t like it, then leave.”
“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” Elaine answered.
“Of course.”
“No, I’m going to win and you’re going to work for me.”
“You still have a few balls to sink in.”
“Fine,” she said angrily. “Why don’t you tell them your John Sanford joke.”
“John Sanford?” Bob said.
“Yeah, he’s a writer of the Lucas Davenport mysteries. You know, The Prey books. Rules of Prey. Silent Prey...”
“Oh yeah,” Ernie responded. “I saw one of them on TV. USA Network. Mark Harmon was in it.”
“I saw that too,” Dale said. “Great movie.”
“So, what’s the joke Jack?“ Scott asked.
Elaine shot the white ball towards the 10 ball. The ball hit the edge of the pocket and went out..”
“Okay. I don’t remember it word for word but here goes. “What’s the difference between a lawyer found unconscious on the road and a skunk found unconscious on the road?”
“They both stink,” Ernie said.
“Wrong,” I replied.
“Don’t know,” Scott said.
“The tire tracks stop after the skunk.”
Everyone laughed again, Ernie nearly fell on the fall.
“Are you going to shoot?” Elaine said, her eyes narrowed, her lips closed.
“Sure.” I turned and started to shoot the 6 ball in the corner pocket The ball turned and hit the one in the center pocket.
Elaine looked at Scott. “Aren’t you going to tell more lawyer jokes?”
“Not while Jack is shooting,” Scott said.
“You’re so funny,” Elaine said.
I sank the other balls and was left with the eight ball. The problem was that the last shot was going to be hard because the 14 ball was in front of the eight ball.
“You miss this shot and I’ll be clear to finish this.”
I brought the cue down on the white ball and took the shot. The white ball went in the air and fell down ahead of the 14 ball. It grazed the eight ball and it landed in the pocket.
“Nice shot,” Scott said.
“Awesome,” Ernie added.
“Jack Roscoe, pool shark,” Dale cheered.
“You can say that again,” Bob said, pumping his fist in the air.
I turned and looked at Elaine as she glared at me. She pressed her lips together.
“Nice game,” I said. “Now make like a tree and get out of here.”
Everyone started laughing again.
“It’s leave you idiot,” Elaine answered.
“I know,” I said.
She wiped tears from her eyes.
“Oh Christ, here comes the waterworks.”
“You’re such a bastard,” Elaine said.
I put the cue on the table and turned to walk away.
“So that’s it?” Elaine said
“Yeah.”
“How can you call yourself a detective?” Elaine said. “My brother is innocent and you’re willing to do nothing because he’s a lawyer.”
“That about sums it up.”
She sniffled and the tears grew larger.
“C’mon Jack,” Ernie said. “Maybe you should help her.”
“Yeah,”