The Giant Oak Speaks

      Let’s look at the amount of control you want to exert over your environment. Are you compelled to take charge of a situation at any cost, even if it means offending other people? If so, you might not even notice the devastation in your wake, because so great is your need to keep a firm grip on the reins. At best, this makes a dynamic leader—forceful, authoritative and self-assured. At worst, you can be overbearing and insensitive, sometimes to the point of being a dictator. If you need to control, conflict is not a problem—in fact, you thrive on it. You enjoy the challenge and the competition, especially when you are required to deliver quantifiable results. This explains why you like the concept of a bottom line, for it allows you to measure progress in dollars and cents.

      If you are “non-controlling,” you are gentle, peace-loving, and willing to let others assume command. You will be supportive, and put aside your own personal agenda for the good of the group. You tend to be selfless and humble. You don’t make waves. This may have a negative ramification at times when you fall into passive, dependent or submissive roles. You may seem wishy-washy, or lack courage in your convictions, which can allow others to take advantage of you. Your modesty keeps you out of the limelight.

      So, where do you stand on the issue of control? Are you a “control freak” whose challenge is to loosen your hold on the reins of control? Or are you a person who could benefit from taking a little more control over the events in your life?

      Chart your own control level. Pick the five words that best describe the person you would be without pressures from your job, family or social group:

      1.Placid

      2.Commanding

      3.Hesitant

      4.Outspoken

      5.Congenial

      6.Adventuresome

      7.Discreet

      8.Firm

      9.Yielding

      10.Cynical

      Now count how many of your answers were odd numbers, and how many were even. The more even answers you picked, the stronger your need for control. You like to be in charge and want to be the boss. Four or 5 odd answers mean you are not controlling, but rather have someone trustworthy and strong exert control over you, rather than exerting control yourself. You seek protection, rather than authority.

      The more even answers you picked, indicates self-confidence, decisiveness and responsibility. You are competitive – and must win. You like taking charge of a situation and look at the Big Picture, so as to make long-term decisions both for you and the people around you. Exerting too much control has its drawbacks as well. You become self-centered, pushy, brusque and insensitive to others’ feelings. Your need to be on top means that everyone else has to be beneath you, most people just don’t like being subservient.

      We all display “not controlling” to some extent. For example, we enjoy being citizens of a powerful country that can hold its own against other nations (so that we personally don’t have to defend our turf). We like the idea of the police protecting us from criminals. We also tend to exhibit “not controlling” when we’re relating to trained professionals, such as surgeons, attorneys or even auto mechanics (this tendency may or may not be in our best interest).

      On the other hand, we all have a certain amount of control within us because we all want to get our own way—at least occasionally. That’s why control tends to be problematic in interpersonal relationships. When each of you involved wants to control the other and come out “the winner,” there is certain to be some strife.

      Some positive examples of your use of control are when you are directing your staff at work through a challenging project, or when you are refusing to take “no” from a customer service representative.

      But if your control sneaks out when you are trying to get your husband to clean the bathroom your way, or your kids to stop fighting, take a look at the way you are using control. Just remember: We can’t change anyone else’s behavior but our own. What is more, trying to exert your own will over other people will eventually lead to resentment, irritation and loss of morale.

      You may be a “control freak” if you require a high degree of order in your life, if you hanker for a rule book to guide you through life, so you won’t make a mistake, or if you want everything “just so,” and tend to be a perfectionist.

      But consider you like to know how much money you have in the bank, and that your children will reliably obey the safety instructions you give them. That type of control usually makes very good sense.

      On the down side, you may have problems with setting and maintaining boundaries. Because you do not like to impose your will on other people, you avoid being a disciplinarian and tend to “go with the flow.” When “the flow” leads to dangerous rapids or waterfalls, you may find yourself over your head in chaos, and may regret that you didn’t take charge of the situation a little sooner.

      Have you ever found yourself agreeing to do a task, go to a meeting, or buy something you really did not want—simply because of the persuasive powers of someone else?

      That person was probably friendly, outgoing, and exude loads of enthusiasm. They smiled, created a warm glow of camaraderie, and displayed an eagerness to cooperate, seemed pleasant and playful. It is control nonetheless. Think back to how you felt the last time you were influenced to do something you really didn’t want to do. Did you feel a little conned or manipulated—or maybe a little foolish that you didn’t stick up for what you knew you wanted? You may have been a recipient or you may have used these same techniques to get your own way. Remember that these techniques are a thinly disguised form of control. Whenever we exert control over other people, instead of over ourselves, we run the risk of abusing or damaging the relationship.

      We’ve all heard it a million times, and it’s still very true: The only person you can ever change is yourself. While you’ll want to work toward changes in your interpersonal relationships, these changes will occur through skillful communication, not through demands, orders or ultimatums.

      The more controlling you are, the harder this lesson will be for you to learn. In fact, you may get sweaty palm just thinking about letting other people take charge of their own affairs, especially if there’s any potential impact on you. But bite your tongue and focus on self-control rather than external control. There’s usually plenty of work we can do on ourselves and, believe it or not, the rest of the world really can take care of itself!

      Take a moment to do a quick review of the thoughts you have entertained. Are they happy, constructive, energy-building thoughts? Or are they negative, fearful, self-critical thoughts?

      While you have very little control over most of the events that come your way during the day, you have tremendous control over your own thoughts