Me and My Mentor. Norah Breekveldt
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the first time.
What do we discuss in our mentoring conversations? On a professional level, initially when I was at a career crossroads, I was looking for advice from a woman who had gone on that path before me. Looking back to those early days I recall being very targeted and funnelled in my vision—either stay in a law firm or go to the bar.
Ruby helped me broaden my horizons to consider possibilities I had not thought about. She opened up prospects, challenged my self-doubts and provided me with an assurance that I could explore new paths I otherwise wouldn’t have had the courage to pursue.
Ruby facilitated an initial connection with Allens Linklaters (of which she is an alumnus) which, in my view, played an integral part in securing my next role with Allens Linklaters, which I will commence in 2018.
These days our conversations range from how to address the challenges of being a culturally diverse female to family and personal challenges. The law profession seems to be coming to terms with gender diversity but still has a long way to go in accepting cultural diversity, in my view.
Ruby taught me to listen to my instincts and back my own judgment. These days if I am only eighty percent sure about a decision I am much more likely to proceed, whereas previously I would have to feel one-hundred percent sure. I am definitely less risk averse these days.
Just as importantly Ruby opened up her networks to enable me to speak with others in the legal and corporate worlds. I feel honoured that she had that level of faith in me. It’s unlikely the relationship will come to an end; it’s more likely to continue on a more informal basis. These days I just pick up the phone to Ruby—the days of formally requesting meetings, carefully crafting emails and double-checking her availability were important at the start, but are now behind me. I am about to move to Sydney and start a new phase in my career, so I will have a lot of questions to explore with Ruby.
On the home front, conversations these days are being dominated by my parents’ desire for me to start a family—and I admit, I’m resisting being told what to do. I hear them say ‘time to look for a husband, the body clock is ticking, time’s running out, we will always be there to babysit’—not that they want me to give up my hard-won career for motherhood, far from it. They have an expectation that I have multi-tasked all my life and it’s time to throw this into the mix. It gets back to sacrifice. Mum reminds her she had to give up things for her family and it’s the same with me—‘don’t be too selfish,’ she urges, ‘think about what’s right for everyone at a point in time.’ Despite my resistance I realise her advice is a good reality check—I do want to be a mother at some stage, but at twenty-seven years of age, I reckon I have still got time to focus on my career for a while longer.
Sometimes I wonder if culturally diverse women have an added complexity to this parenthood challenge. If their cultural heritage demands women take on the total caring role and stigmatise men who would welcome taking on a caring role, the challenge to be both a professional woman and a mother can be enormous. My advice to women is make sure the person you marry values you as an equal and is willing to make their own sacrifices at certain stages—there’s that word again: sacrifice.
I’ve learned so much
I used to believe that it was important to have a mentor from the same workplace who knows the workplace dynamics, now I am not so sure. Having a mentor removed from your workplace can be hugely beneficial. Ruby has no affiliation with the law firms or workplaces I have worked in and that strengthens the transparency of the relationship. Ruby can provide an honest, objective perspective and, as she does not know any of my bosses I can say anything to her without being concerned about breaching boundaries or that it will come back to haunt me.
My mentoring experience with Ruby also helped shape a better mentoring program through the DWMA. Being able to reflect on my own experiences, I can ask more targeted questions of mentors and mentees and structure the formal program in a more meaningful way. Ruby has also helped grow the association through opening up her networks who have subsequently offered to mentor young diverse women aspiring to become lawyers.
Reflections
Advice to mentors from Ruby
A few reflections I would share with other mentors or anyone considering becoming a mentor:
1 Make a difference—mentoring someone involves a very small investment of your time: for you as a mentor, it will be an enriching and rewarding learning experience, for your mentee, the mentoring opportunity could change their life.
2 Mentor many and mentor people who are different from you. The more different someone is to you, the more effort it may take to engage with them—but stick with it, it’s worth it! When you mentor someone different from you, you will see the world from their perspective and they will see the world from yours—what you both learn from those experiences will help you to embrace diversity, feel more comfortable with difference, and more importantly will make you a more inclusive person. These experiences will also help to create the next generation of inclusive leaders.
3 Don’t underestimate the power of your networks and be generous in creating connection opportunities for your mentee. If you feel comfortable promoting your mentee, sponsor them—it can make a huge difference to their career.
4 Successful mentoring relationships can’t be forced. In my experience, the most successful relationships evolve organically and both parties must be authentic, committed to, and invested in nurturing the relationship.
Advice to new mentees from Keerthi
When reflecting on my own journey, there are two key insights around mentoring that I think are particularly relevant to culturally diverse women:
1 Don’t focus on cultural diversity. This may sound counter-intuitive, but don’t approach the relationship from a cultural similarity perspective, which can put an unhelpful lens on conversations. Instead, approach it with a fresh pair of eyes, as you would any new mentoring relationship. Being different is a strength and it’s good to celebrate difference but don’t let it define the relationship.
2 Avoid the echo chamber. When I started on my journey I believed I needed to connect with as many lawyers as possible. Eventually I learned not to fixate on selecting a mentor from a particular cultural background or professional or personal experience. If you want to be a successful lawyer, for example, it doesn’t necessarily mean lawyers must mentor you. Whilst there is comfort in common language and experiences, you risk only hearing what your peers think, and reinforcing your own worldview. Hearing the perspectives of someone from a different background can be very powerful. It may help open up opportunities you had never dreamed of, or have conversations about career directions that you may never have with someone in your own professions. The world is a small place and there is no such thing as a bad mentor or bad connection. There are only a few degrees of separation from you and the rest of the world.
Whilst similar cultural heritage and shared values facilitated an initial connection between Keerthi and Ruby, ultimately the strength, substance and value of their relationship thrived from the diversity of their experiences and the different perspectives that they brought to the table.
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