SOUL CRY ( Missing Fathers: The Misunderstanding Of A Fatherless Child ). o'mar brown
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would do their best to push me into the crowd or a classroom whenever they could. I guess they felt they had to look out for and protect me. However, for those hurtful times that they could not save me, I would be held up in the air by my arms and legs by two of the older boys through instructions of Mister Spragga. I would then be whipped across my back for as long as that punishment took, depending on the extent of what I have done. “Yeah painful” Nevertheless, it was legal in Jamaica. When we weren’t stretch out by our arms and legs. We had to hold our hands out and take the needed amount of strikes for the punishment. I remember dropping my hands with each strike to make the pain easier to bear. It was in this same painful place where I got my first memory of beauty, one that made me smile and shy up at the same time. Lara; eyes like a pair of fresh sparkling untouched black pearls, a smile that gave life, brown sugar milky complexion, and hair of an Egyptian queen. As far as I could remember Lara was the first girl I ever liked and my first girlfriend, if that is what you want to call it that.
Classes were separated by green chalkboards. Looking from the front, in the middle is the principal’s office; on the right is 12th 11th and 10th grade that were separated by chalkboards with my class, the 2nd and 3rd grade. On the left across from my class is the 4th grade up to the 9th. For lunch, if you don’t have any money you get government cheese and bun with a little box drink. If you have money, you would buy from the stands. We had big family so we only got but so much money for lunch, but I always wanted the better things in life, the things my family didn’t have and couldn’t afford. My family always told me, “Andre your chest too high! You to too big chested, you need to learn how to be satisfied with what you have.” I use to steal shrimp and plums from the vendors. But when I couldn’t steal it a few times I would be so hungry, I picked up people’s leftovers off the ground and washed it off. I was young, hungry and I just want to eat good like the kids who did. Whenever Anthony, Stacia or any of my older cousins caught me they slapped the life out my hand and mouth and told me, “Andre a wah you a do? That’s nasty don’t ever let me catch you doing that, go wash out your mouth, if you still hungry after your lunch come to me.” I didn’t want to pick food up off the ground but at my young age faced with hunger, I didn’t see a better way. It was hard to be in school all day long and only eat what I had. At lunch, I would chill with my best friend Richie he lived in Springfield, the next town from mine going towards school. We would run through the bushes down the hill by where the older kids had built huts and would be messing with girls. We never really cared if they caught us because my cousin Stacia did not play any shit and would always beat up anyone, boy/girl, who messed with her little cousin.
After school, the journey home was always filled with surprises. Whether it was falling off the bike with Anthony, or falling down a hill after trying to jump onto the moving pickup truck, with my cousins and best friend, only to get bruised up and left behind. Then there were those days we would have to run through bushes and cane fields, because we were being chased for trespassing on someone’s land, trying to take a short cut home, or running from the crazy guy that lived in the Cane field by the bridge. (Or even on the days when Eatan would pay Neeka, a very sexually in touch girl from our town, a dollar for Anthony, Derval, Ethan and me to fuck.) I was seven years old in the woods, and after Ethan, it was my turn. I remember tipping up on my tippy toes to just rub my dick back and forth on her clit. I was just trying to do what I saw my other cousins do before me. I will never forget the day I ran from the person whose last name my mother gave. At the time I was not aware of who he was and never really paid any attention to or thought about my last name and where it came from. See I did not have a father growing up, I just had grandpa and other than him, I would look to Mervin for guidance. So when Mister Moore drove up to me that day, on my way home from school, I ran. Really because I thought he wanted to kidnap me, I never met or saw him before. My older cousins have but I haven’t so I ran all the way home. Nevertheless, the journey home always had something waiting for you around each corner.
Holidays in Jamaica as long as I could remember came with family fights and arguments. For Christmas, we would put foil paper on a little tree, from the backyard, at my grandparent’s house for a Christmas tree. I also remember the moments of feeling warmth and comforting love in my heart when my mother would send me stuff. I vividly remember thinking, at those moments, that my mother was the greatest mother in the world and no other kid was luckier. She was so wonderful in my young eyes.
Early 1993 my Grandfather had a stroke. Anthony and I were sitting in the room with him, when out of nowhere after he stood up to walk he just fell. After he came back from the hospital, I remember seeing the fight for life in my grandfather’s eyes. The strongest man I have ever known now depends on other people to survive and take care of himself. It was as if seeing life starting all over. When you’re a baby, you crawl, wear diapers, and depend on others for help. I would sit by his bed and cry at times and he would say “Andy (that’s what he called me) a wah you a cry fa?” “Me going to be all right.” His hearing started to gradually leave him and we would now have to scream for him to hear. Even with all the pain, he was going through, my Grandfather always smiled and laughed as if he had no regrets.
Chapter 2
On October 10, 1993 my uncle Coma came and got Anthony, 11 years old at the time, his older sister Sherry, she wasn’t around much, and myself at the time I was 9 years old, to go to the airport. Our mothers filed for our passports to live in America. Brooklyn, New York. My uncle lives in Kingston, Jamaica and he has houses all over Jamaica. He created a big life and name for himself in Jamaica. A true hustler if ever there was one. His name and assets are so big that he beat murder charges, smoking gun and all. He picked us up in his big white tour bus, that had a microphone on which he would ask “what are you gonna do when you gua faring?” I smiled and said “me a go be a movie star”. So he says “so you want to become an actor. Alright mister movie star. Guan big man”. Later at the checking window, at the airport, I was asked the same question again and trying to sound proper and remember how my uncle stated my answer, in our prior conversation, I said, “I’m going to be a movie star”. However, what I really meant to say was I am going to be an actor. We said our goodbyes to my uncle and it was time to board the airplane. We sat in the middle isle next to the first white woman I ever met. It wasn’t long after the seatbelt sign came, which the nice lady helped me with, that I suddenly got a feeling of nervousness when the plane first took off the ground and I began to feel gravity for the first time. The woman next to us then assured us that the feeling was only momentarily. We watched a movie about a guy that cloned himself it was supposed to be a comedy, but I can’t remember the name. After the movie, we arrived down from out of the clouds over New York City sometime after 8:00 clock. I don’t know if you have ever had the pleasure of flying over NYC at night, but it was amazing. I have never seen anything as beautiful or more captivating as the lights and how they light up the city. I felt life starting all over again after gazing into the spectacular lights of NYC. It was like a rebirth so to speak. When we landed everyone applauded and the nice woman wished us well on our new journey. My mom and aunt were both there to greet us at the gate. It was a happy moment to finally be with my mom that I loved so much. However, I couldn’t help but to be taken aback by this new and amazing world. (From breathing this new air, the smell of new life, and the buildings, I was in awe. As I stared at the tall structures all I could say was “All the big buildings, wow!”) We drove from the airport to 206 East 93rdst in Brownsville, Brooklyn. The whole ride to the house I did not hear a word anyone said, I just stared out the window taking in a rich feeling, “we made it.” However, it was not long before I came to learn that life in America has its price and I will soon be required to pay my dues.
When we got to the house, there was food made, oxtail with rice and peas, and cake among a few. My two cousins were to stay in their mother’s room, and in the other room, my mom stayed with Brian, her boyfriend. As I recall, when we lived in Jamaica, my aunt kicked my mother out of the house, and he helped her out. Therefore, I had to sleep on the floor in the hallway that connected my aunt’s bedroom to the living room. After about three weeks, I could not sleep there. My aunt and my mother were not seeing eye to eye, so my bed was now a mattress on the kitchen floor. After about a month or so, I began to notice a change in the way; my mom expressed her love towards me. It started by her beating me if I did something very “bad”, and progressively got worse.
After a few