The Classic Humor MEGAPACK ®. Эдгар Аллан По
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was your bad thought?”
“Ay,” said another boy, “what’s your thought like?”
“My thought,” said Joseph, “was ‘Confound all astronomy, and I could see the man hanged that made this game.’”
“Oh! my child,” exclaimed the mother, stopping her ears, “I am indeed shocked. I am glad you repented so immediately.”
“Yes,” returned Joseph, “but I am afraid my repentance won’t last. If I am not whipped, I may have these bad thoughts whenever I play at astronomy, and worse still at the geography game. Whip me, ma, and punish me as I deserve. There’s the rattan in the corner: I’ll bring it to you myself.”
“Excellent boy!” said his mother. “You know I always pardon my children when they are so candid as to confess their faults.”
“So you do,” said Joseph, “but a whipping will cure me better.”
“I cannot resolve to punish so conscientious a child,” said Mrs. Watkinson.
“Shall I take the trouble off your hands?” inquired Edward, losing all patience in his disgust at the sanctimonious hypocrisy of this young Blifil. “It is such a rarity for a boy to request a whipping, that so remarkable a desire ought by all means to be gratified.”
Joseph turned round and made a face at him.
“Give me the rattan,” said Edward, half laughing, and offering to take it out of his hand. “I’ll use it to your full satisfaction.”
The boy thought it most prudent to stride off and return to the table, and ensconce himself among his brothers and sisters; some of whom were staring with stupid surprise; others were whispering and giggling in the hope of seeing Joseph get a real flogging.
Mrs. Watkinson having bestowed a bitter look on Edward, hastened to turn the attention of his mother to something else. “Mrs. Morland,” said she, “allow me to introduce you to my youngest hope.” She pointed to a sleepy boy about five years old, who with head thrown back and mouth wide open, was slumbering in his chair.
Mrs. Watkinson’s children were of that uncomfortable species who never go to bed; at least never without all manner of resistance. All her boasted authority was inadequate to compel them; they never would confess themselves sleepy; always wanted to “sit up,” and there was a nightly scene of scolding, coaxing, threatening and manoeuvring to get them off.
“I declare,” said Mrs. Watkinson, “dear Benny is almost asleep. Shake him up, Christopher. I want him to speak a speech. His school-mistress takes great pains in teaching her little pupils to speak, and stands up herself and shows them how.”
The child having been shaken up hard (two or three others helping Christopher), rubbed his eyes and began to whine. His mother went to him, took him on her lap, hushed him up, and began to coax him. This done, she stood him on his feet before Mrs. Morland, and desired him to speak a speech for the company. The child put his thumb into his mouth, and remained silent.
“Ma,” said Jane Watkinson, “you had better tell him what speech to speak.”
“Speak Cato or Plato,” said his mother. “Which do you call it? Come now, Benny—how does it begin? ‘You are quite right and reasonable, Plato.’ That’s it.”
“Speak Lucius,” said his sister Jane. “Come now, Benny—say ‘your thoughts are turned on peace.’”
The little boy looked very much as if they were not, and as if meditating an outbreak.
“No, no!” exclaimed Christopher, “let him say Hamlet. Come now, Benny—’To be or not to be.’”
“It ain’t to be at all,” cried Benny, “and I won’t speak the least bit of it for any of you. I hate that speech!”
“Only see his obstinacy,” said the solemn Joseph. “And is he to be given up to?”
“Speak anything, Benny,” said Mrs. Watkinson, “anything so that it is only a speech.”
All the Watkinson voices now began to clamor violently at the obstinate child—“Speak a speech! speak a speech! speak a speech!” But they had no more effect than the reiterated exhortations with which nurses confuse the poor heads of babies, when they require them to “shake a day-day—shake a day-day!”
Mrs. Morland now interfered, and begged that the sleepy little boy might be excused; on which he screamed out that “he wasn’t sleepy at all, and would not go to bed ever.”
“I never knew any of my children behave so before,” said Mrs. Watkinson. “They are always models of obedience, ma’am. A look is sufficient for them. And I must say that they have in every way profited by the education we are giving them. It is not our way, ma’am, to waste our money in parties and fooleries, and fine furniture and fine clothes, and rich food, and all such abominations. Our first duty is to our children, and to make them learn everything that is taught in the schools. If they go wrong, it will not be for want of education. Hester, my dear, come and talk to Miss Morland in French.”
Hester (unlike her little brother that would not speak a speech) stepped boldly forward, and addressed Caroline Morland with: “Parlez-vous Français, mademoiselle? Comment se va madame votre mère? Aimez-vous la musique? Aimez-vous la danse? Bon jour—bon soir—bon repos. Comprenez-vous?”
To this tirade, uttered with great volubility, Miss Morland made no other reply than, “Oui—je comprens.”
“Very well, Hester—very well indeed,” said Mrs. Watkinson. “You see, ma’am,” turning to Mrs. Morland, “how very fluent she is in French; and she has only been learning eleven quarters.”
After considerable whispering between Jane and her mother, the former withdrew, and sent in by the Irish girl a waiter with a basket of soda biscuit, a pitcher of water, and some glasses. Mrs. Watkinson invited her guests to consider themselves at home and help themselves freely, saying: “We never let cakes, sweetmeats, confectionery, or any such things enter the house, as they would be very unwholesome for the children, and it would be sinful to put temptation in their way. I am sure, ma’am, you will agree with me that the plainest food is the best for everybody. People that want nice things may go to parties for them; but they will never get any with me.”
When the collation was over, and every child provided with a biscuit, Mrs. Watkinson said to Mrs. Morland: “Now, ma’am, you shall have some music from my daughter Jane, who is one of Mr. Bangwhanger’s best scholars.”
Jane Watkinson sat down to the piano and commenced a powerful piece of six mortal pages, which she played out of time and out of tune; but with tremendous force of hands; notwithstanding which, it had, however, the good effect of putting most of the children to sleep.
To the Morlands the evening had seemed already five hours long. Still it was only half past ten when Jane was in the midst of her piece. The guests had all tacitly determined that it would be best not to let Mrs. Watkinson know their intention to go directly from her house to Mrs. St. Leonard’s party; and the arrival of their carriage would have been the signal of departure, even if Jane’s piece had not reached its termination. They stole glances at the clock on the mantel. It wanted but a quarter of eleven, when Jane rose from the piano, and was congratulated by her mother on the excellence of her music. Still no carriage was heard to stop; no doorbell was heard to ring. Mrs. Morland expressed her fears that the coachman had forgotten to come for them.
“Has he been paid for bringing you here?” asked Mrs. Watkinson.
“I paid him when we came to the door,” said Edward. “I thought perhaps he might want the money for some purpose before he came for us.”
“That was very kind in you, sir,” said Mrs. Watkinson, “but not very wise. There’s no dependence on any coachman; and perhaps as he may be sure of business enough this rainy night he may never come at all—being already paid for bringing you here.”
Now, the truth