Candide: A Play in Five Acts. Voltaire
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my Grand Almoner, I have appointed you to my personal service as well as that of the Baroness. I have here a professor of Philosophy that I pay to instruct my daughter Miss Cunegonde and Candide, my nephew in the art of thinking.
BARONESS
Oh—your nephew—!
BARON
It is indeed true that my honorable sister who engendered him was not married. The gentleman who made this child was unable, you know, to justify more than seventy-one quarters when she possessed seventy-two. That’s why my worthy sister finally refused him her hand, after having, alas accorded him the rest. But little matter—Dr. Pangloss, professor of Philosophy to my daughter and my nephew will also instruct my men—
BARONESS
Now that’s an excellent thing, my friend.
BARON
The people need Philosophy. (He snaps his whip)
PIKEMAN
Long live the Baron! (Enter Paquette)
BARONESS
You hear, Paquette. Every day lessons from Doctor Pangloss.
PAQUETTE
(Laughing) He’s an excellent professor—He’s already taught me many curious things—(Enter Pangloss, Cunegonde, and Candide)
PANGLOSS
I heard “Long Live the Baron,” and I ran with my pupils to associate myself with this touching manifestation. “Long live the most powerful lord in Westphalia!”
BARON
Dr. Pangloss, I was waiting for you—I’ve decided to confide an important mission to you—a social one—! Here it is: I charge you with instructing my folks in the principles of goodness, of healthy philosophy—That which fortifies the role of masters and which affirms in the hearts of servants feelings of respect and submission—lastly—the philosophy which assures the happiness of individuals and social peace. Each day, at this hour, you will spread the good word.
PANGLOSS
I am very flattered—
BARON
You are going to begin immediately.
PANGLOSS
I am ready. A philosopher is always ready—I will instruct Milord’s people in the most reasonable, the best of doctrines, that is to say—the metaphysical—theological, cosmological—pedagogical—
1st PIKEMAN
(To second) What’d he say?
2nd PIKEMAN
He was talking about pederast—
BARON
Silence! (Brandishes his whip)
CUNEGONDE
(To Baron) Papa, do I have to listen? I’ve taken my lesson.
CANDIDE
Me, too—
BARON
Both of you stay, as I myself am doing. The metaphysical—theological—cosmological (Stammering) Anyway, this pederasty is the most excellent thing in the world—You can’t get too much of it. (To Pangloss) Begin, my friend!
CANDIDE
(To Cunegonde) It’s all the same to me—better, since I am near you.
PANGLOSS
(After wiping his nose and grimacing) Milord Baron, Milady, Miss Cunegonde, Mr. Candide—Your reverence, the Grand Almoner, (Making bows) Paquette.
(With a slight gesture) You others—Like the great systems The Physical—Theological—Cosmological pedagogy clings to a very simple principle. That principle is this: There is no effect without a cause—That principle admitted it follows naturally that everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.
PIKEMAN
That depends—I’ve just been stung by a wasp.
BARON
Silence! (He brandishes his whip)
PANGLOSS
Note carefully that the nose was made for glasses—Also, we have glasses—The legs are visibly designed to be in stockings and we have stockings. Stones have been formed to be quarried for use in making castles. That’s why Milord Baron has a Château and pigs were made to be eaten—so we eat pork all year round. Whips were made to be wielded by great lords, so Milord the Baron has a whip—Servants have spines and that’s why it’s just they wait when their master wants to whip them. Everything is linked together, everything is in a chain—all is admirably organized in nature and consequently in society—Which is part of nature. To argue, to dispute, to protest.
BARON
To eat too much.
PANGLOSS
That demonstrates one is unworthy of embracing—
CANDIDE
(To Cunegonde) Who are they?
PANGLOSS
(Hurrying his speech) The Metaphysical—Theological Cosmological Pedagogy—which proves that this Château is the most beautiful of all possible Châteaux, that Milord Baron is the most generous, the most brave, the most powerful of all possible barons, that Milady the Baroness is the best possible Baroness—that the happy subjects who are at their service are the most happy of all possible subjects, and that the society in which we live is the most beautiful, the most just, the most admirable of all possible societies. (He wipes himself off)
BARON
Very fine! (To Pikemen) You understood—imbeciles?
PIKEMEN
(After a short hesitation) Long live the Baron!
PANGLOSS
You see they are perfectly convinced.
BARON
That suffices—Tomorrow, same thing—! Second lesson—Come Madame. Let’s go into our beautiful castle. (He leaves followed by the Baroness and the Grand Almoner)
PANGLOSS
(To Pikemen) Go—Meditate on my instructions.
1st PIKEMAN
Us? You’re joking—
PANGLOSS
What!—You dare? Just now in front of the Baron—
1st PIKEMAN
That’s not the same thing. The Baron has a whip. (The Pikemen leave)
PANGLOSS
(To Candide and Cunegonde) Go take a stroll in the park. (They go) (To Paquette) You—Stay!
PAQUETTE
Ah, Mr. Pangloss, how well you talk! I didn’t understand much, but—
PANGLOSS
It’s really very simple—not only is everything good—but everything is for the best. So—here we are alone. Isn’t that what we wish?
PAQUETTE
Fie, sir—you are a strange philosopher—And your theories.
PANGLOSS
(Squeezing her) Let’s leave our theories.
PAQUETTE
Your speech—
PANGLOSS
It’s really a question of speeches—(Grabs her by the waist and embraces her) No words, deeds!
PAQUETTE
(Not resisting) What kind of Philosophy is that?
PANGLOSS