Family Ties That Bind. Dr. Ronald W. Richardson
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course, as you have probably guessed by now, the compliant person is not only taking care of his or her anxiety by being sick. The other person has the same level of anxiety; by being sick and providing a focus for all that anxiety, the compliant one helps keep things in balance. If the sick one gets well, the couple will work out some other way to avoid facing their differences.
2.2 “I did it my way” — The rebels
Rebels look as though they want distance and independence, but because real independence is too scary, they stay close and act rebellious. When A says do this, B does that, even if doing this would have been better.
The rebel never learns how to be secure about being different. The rebel is so involved in rebelling, in not doing and not being the way others want, that the rebel never decides what he or she does want. The rebel who is busy fighting against other people’s goals isn’t able to set his or her own goals. For the rebel, independence means doing the opposite of what others want. However, by doing this, the rebel is still being controlled by someone else. The other person is still calling the tune; the rebel just plays the flip side.
Of course, to be a successful rebel, you need someone to rebel against. Most rebels can easily find people who are quite willing to play the heavy and tell the rebel what to do. And that person, the authority, is always right: “Do that and you’ll — be sorry; get hurt; not pass; be fired; have an accident.” When the prophesied doom happens, the authority can say, “I told you so. You should listen to me (be like me).” But then that person jumps in and picks up the pieces, and takes on the responsibility of whatever disaster befell the rebel. So the rebel seldom has to bear the consequences of his or her actions. Someone is always around to bail him or her out.
Often, rebels are the second child of the same sex in a family: a second boy or second girl. In their family, they spent a lot of time defining themselves as different from the older child and fighting for acceptance in their own right. Usually, their sibling was more “approved of” in the family. A younger same sex sibling will often marry someone who is an oldest sibling and proceed to rebel against this authority. The oldest, who was in charge of younger siblings, will gladly try to assert authority over the spouse.
Some relationships can go on for quite a while with one person being the authority and always getting to be right and one person being the rebel and never having to be responsible.
Example
Su-lin, a second sister, married Nickolas, an oldest brother. In many ways they were quite compatible because of her dependency and his willingness to be in charge. But Su-lin didn’t like the idea of being dependent. She became something of a feminist and talked about how men hold women back. Yet she never really took any steps to be more self-directing. Though she complained about Nickolas making decisions for her, she kept going along with them. Then he died of a heart attack, and she didn’t know what to do with her life. Nickolas had just been a convenient cover for her fear of being a separate, self-sufficient person. Her rebellion was superficial.
QUESTIONS
1. Who was rebellious in your family of origin? How were others affected?
2. What about in your life today? Are you either the authority or a rebel against an authority? What would you be doing with your life if you weren’t engaged in this struggle?
2.3 “I’m the king of the mountain” — The attackers
Attackers deal with their anxiety about differences by blaming others for their anxiety as well as for everything else. They know what they want, and are very upset when they don’t get it. They think the other is the cause of their frustration and they are not shy about saying that. “If only you would shape up (or be more understanding, or loving, or whatever), then I wouldn’t feel so bad.” The attacker sees the other as the problem and openly tries to change the other by using whatever means possible.
A relationship in which both partners are attackers resounds to the sound of battle. The attacks and counterattacks are almost continuous as each partner attempts to demonstrate superiority or, at a minimum, equality with the other in all things. It doesn’t matter what the topic of argument is; it could be as simple as what movie to see. Unless one does it or sees it or understands it in the same way, the other feels put down. A huge expenditure of energy goes into getting the other to cry uncle.
Example
Donna and Geoff were in almost constant conflict over their differences in matters of taste. For example, Donna liked classical music and intellectual books. Geoff liked rock music and mysteries. They never lost an opportunity to take a jab at each other. Geoff accused Donna of snobbishness and elitism. Donna accused Geoff of being stupid and plastic. They were both, of course, anxious about their differences because they feared the disapproval of the other, so they worked hard at trying to convince the other of the “rightness” of their likes and dislikes.
During therapy, as they each began to feel more comfortable with their own values, they felt less of a need to insist that the other share those values. They were eventually able to acknowledge that they were just different, and there was no right or wrong. Once they accepted the differences, they were better able to negotiate. For example, they took turns deciding which radio station to have on in the car without criticizing the choice of the other. Without the personal attacks, they came to resolutions much more quickly and without either of them feeling attacked.
People engaged in such a power struggle often think the other has to change before they can change. They get caught up in a circle of hostility, where each one’s “bad” behavior justifies the other’s “bad” behavior. He says to her, “I wouldn’t drink so much if you didn’t nag so much.” She says, “I wouldn’t nag so much if you didn’t drink so much.” Somebody has got to stop first to end this impossible situation.
Part of the underlying problem with the attackers is their low self-esteem. Consciously or unconsciously, neither partner feels very good about himself or herself; each wants the other one to make him or her feel better. Of course, a person under attack isn’t able to be very giving, so the strategy is self-defeating.
Example
Bette and Azeem blamed each other for the problems in their marriage. Each thought he or she was doing it “right” and the other was doing it “wrong.” It didn’t matter what the issue was, large or small: which way to drive to grandma’s, where to go on vacation, who spent the most money. Each could give an elaborate diagnosis of where the other was at fault.
They decided to try marriage counseling, but each went to get the other one fixed up.
The therapist’s questions about family background and past experiences were initially treated as irrelevant and unnecessary since neither Bette nor Azeem thought their own family background was a problem. However, both could see clearly how the other’s family background was a problem and became enthusiastic about analyzing the other family and its strangeness. When Bette and Azeem finally explored their own experiences and feelings in their family of origin, they saw how their patterns in their marriage had developed in their families. They realized they each had a fragile self-esteem and were super-sensitive to any criticism from significant others. As they began to take more responsibility for their own feelings and expected less from the other, their power struggles decreased, although they sometimes fought over who was doing the best job of changing!
QUESTIONS
1. Who was involved in overt power struggles in your family? How did the power struggles get started? How did they end?
2. Are you involved in any power struggles today? What else could you do rather than attack and counterattack? What is it that hooks you into the fight?
2.4