Welcoming Your Second Baby. Vicki Lansky
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news once you’ve made it public. You may be pushed into telling an observant child who notices that Mom is getting “fat.”
• Don’t tell any child until you’re ready for the whole world to know. A child can’t be expected to keep such a secret.
• Be careful of telling a child too soon, in the event of a miscarriage. The child might feel responsible in some way for the loss of the baby. If you decide to tell the child right away, be sure to offer full and honest explanations if problems arise later.
• Don’t wait too long to tell any child. He or she may overhear you talking about your pregnancy, or a friend or neighbor may let the word slip. Your child could become unduly worried because you’re always tired or occasionally sick without explanation. The boredom of waiting a long time for the baby to come is not as bad for the child as is the feeling that something strange and secret is going on.
• When explaining to a young child about when the baby is due, tie the birth to an event instead of to a month or week—“after Christmas,” or “during your spring vacation from nursery school”—but don’t pinpoint it too exactly.
Preparing Your Child for Life With a New Baby
• Don’t tell a child of any age how he or she is going to feel about the baby. Statements like “You’re going to love the baby,” and “You’re going to have lots of fun playing with the baby and helping me care for the baby” may express your heart’s desires, but might only serve to irritate your child or set him or her up for conflict if your child doesn’t feel the way you predicted.
• Stress the positive and give your child a feeling of status by saying things like, “You’re going to be a big brother,” rather than, “You’re going to have a baby brother or sister.”
• Take advantage of the unknown sex of the baby to encourage nonsexist thinking by pointing out that “Girls can _____ too,” and “Boys can ______ too.” (You may see a bit of jealousy already developing if your child wants the baby to be of the opposite sex from himself or herself.)
• Stress the fact, especially to a young child, that the gender of the unborn baby will be a surprise. (If you have had an ultrasound, sonogram or an amniocentesis and already know the baby’s sex, that’s a different matter!)
• Let your child fantasize about the baby by drawing pictures of how he or she thinks it will look. The drawings may offer you an opportunity to correct misconceptions or provide explanations.
• “Borrow” a baby, or babysit one regularly, with two thoughts in mind. First, your child will see how infants act and how much care they need, and second, you’ll have a chance to practice having more than one to care for. (And perhaps the other mother will owe you some babysitting time when your second baby is born!)
• Better yet, expose your child to more than one infant. Young ones, especially, sometimes have trouble imagining a sibling similar, but not identical, to a baby they’ve seen.
• Let your child see a nursing mother, if possible, so that if you breast-feed, it won’t seem strange.
• Don’t let the child think the newborn will be a playmate; be clear about the fact that they do little but eat, sleep, and cry.
• Talk about the different things your older child will show or teach the new baby once it is “out.”
• Share child care with your spouse (if you don’t already) so your child won’t expect mother’s care exclusively.
• Point out pictures of newborns in magazines to prepare your child for the way an infant looks. Explain that babies have no teeth, and that there will be a scab where the umbilical cord was.
• Also point out older babies, to let your child know that newborn babies do change as they grow.
Know that giving rational explanations of an impending future event to a child under the age of two will not be understood.
Creative Art Projects for You and Your Child to Make to Welcome the New Baby
• A WELCOME SIGN to put up the day the baby comes home. When you know the name, use it—or add it—on the sign.
• ANNOUNCEMENT art: a sign for the house, a note for neighbors and friends, etc.
• QUIET, BABY SLEEPING signage to put on a door or hang from a door knob.
• WALL ART to decorate baby’s room.
• ART WORK to wrap gifts for the baby.
• T-SHIRT MESSAGE. Using a plain white t-shirt, let a child decorate it or color on it after you first write with fabric paint any of the following:
1. I’m (baby x’s) Big Sister/Brother
2. I am the Big Sister/Brother
3. I’m Going to be a Big Sister/Brother Soon (an announcement t-shirt)
Promoting Self-esteem for the New Big Brother or Sister
• Check with your hospital, doctor, or childbirth instructor to see if sibling classes are offered in your area for children whose parents are expecting. Such classes, appropriately geared to children’s ages, can be very helpful.
• Let your child come with you to checkups and have those questions your child may have, answered. Ultrasound images can be shared with the soon-to-be sibling.
• Don’t deprive your toddler of your attention, but don’t go overboard in the other direction, either. Go out with your spouse reasonably often (with a reliable sitter in charge, of course) and insist on some quiet time for yourself, all to help prepare your child for the future new demands there will be on your time.
• If you don’t send your child to preschool, daycare or a play group, this might be the time to start. At the very least your child will be comfortable in an out-of-the-house setting. You may want to start your own as a way of preparing your child to being around other kids.
• Don’t pile on too many gifts and treats before the birth (or after it either), or you’ll be sending a guilt-laden message to your child.
• Get out your photos or movies and spend time together looking at pictures of your child as an infant.
• Make big changes, such as moving the child to a big bed, completing toilet training, or giving up the bottle, well before the baby’s expected birth, so the child will feel that he or she is growing up, not being pushed aside.
TIPS FOR MOVING UP TO A BIG BED
As a rule of thumb, a child thirty-six inches tall is big enough for a big bed.
• Let your child start with a pillow while still in the crib. It helps children learn how to center themselves while asleep.
• Set up the full size bed while the crib is still up, and let your child first nap there and then read stories together there. Let your child choose where to sleep for a few weeks.
• Does the room allow for a full or queen-size bed? Less chance of rolling off...more room for snuggles and family time. Using a trundle bed? Let the child sleep in the lower ‘trundle’ section at first.
• Limitroll-offproblems by: putting the mattress (or even the crib mattress) on the floor; pushing the bed up against a wall and placing cushions on the floor on the open side; or use a removable side-rail for a few weeks.
• Let your child pick out sheets for the new ‘grown-up’ bed.
• Celebrate