Soulmate Hunting After 40: The Mature Person's Guide to Finding and Keeping Love and Happiness

      by

      Marcia Gage

      Copyright 2011 Marcia Gage,

      All rights reserved.

      Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com

       http://www.eBookIt.com

      ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0445-5

      No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

      Dedication

      I lovingly dedicate this book to my husband, Judd Herrmann, who also happens to be my best friend and soulmate.

      INTRODUCTION

      Rule # 1: Stop trying (so hard)

      As a woman in my mid-fifties I still have a vivid recollection of myself as a fifteen year old. My curves had not yet appeared, though my pimples had. My facial features were all larger than normal, though my eyes were hidden behind glasses with lenses as thick as coke bottles. At this point too, I was taller than most the boys my age and was pretty much resolved that I would never have a boyfriend.

      I remember considering converting to Catholicism, as I thought becoming a nun would be less embarrassing than my impending fate as a spinster.

      Though I never turned into a bouncy blue-eyed, blonde cheerleader, contact lenses and Mother Nature took care of most my physical problems. The improvement in my appearance and the development of my great personality seemed to guarantee me male attention and companionship after the age of 18.

      After nearly a twenty year hiatus from matrimony, I am now nearly five years into my second and most successful marriage.

      Why am I writing this book? I have so many friends and acquaintances over the age of 40, who, at various levels of desperation, are seeking companionship and/or romance. For some, their level of loneliness reminds me of my heartache, during my teenage years, something a middle-aged person should not have to endure. Most of them are divorced or widowed, though some of them have never married, but the majority seems to be spending much of their precious time on earth worrying about how to get a partner. Originally, I intended to write this book just for women. I’ve observed, however, that just as many middle-aged and older men also suffer from loneliness, perhaps even more so.

      Here is the first and most important rule in finding your soul mate: STOP TRYING! Or, at least stop trying so hard. And in America we are trying very hard to find love. Take, for instance, the online dating industry. The most obvious parallel to the dating industry is the diet or weight-loss industry. I can only imagine how many billions of dollars are spent in this country only to find there is only one true guarantee, “results not typical.”

      The same may be said for the online dating industry. Though there are, of course, success stories of finding love and even matrimony, more often there is just a whole lot of money being spent. In fact, while the online dating services are claiming success in forming hundreds of thousands of meaningful relationships, they don’t mention this is out of a base of 20 to 30 million members. Though many of the major players in the online dating service industry rope you in with free offers, it is estimated Americans will spend 1.65 billion dollars in 2012 trying to find love online.¹

      I have personally become exhausted just looking at the stacks of profiles friends have of potential suitors. Each of them represents a certain amount of research and, often, a first date is more like a job interview. And guess what?! People lie. It is easier to fib online than it is in person. It is estimated that over half of both women and men substantially deflate their weight while inflating their height and salaries. Orkin Pest Control currently has a brilliant ad campaign out demonstrating how insects try and work their way into our lives. In one commercial, an attractive woman is waiting for her cyber date while gazing at his supposed picture. Instead of a tall, dark handsome man a giant termite appears at the table, claiming that the picture was taken years ago. Of course, they are trying to sell pest control telling us that termites will find a way into or homes. At the same time they are humorously poking at the online dating industry, perhaps warning us that a not-so-charming prince may lie, or at least exaggerate, to find a way into our hearts or even our bank accounts.

      Again, by promoting the stop trying rule, I am really suggesting to stop trying so hard. Perhaps it is time to consider a new approach. Much like the person who can’t keep excess weight off due to emotional baggage, the person who is romantically unfulfilled has often left the most important person out of the equation; him or herself.

      Hopefully, the following chapters will help you understand not only what to look for and expect in a partner, but also how to evaluate and be happy with yourself.

      CHAPTER ONE

      What is Loneliness?

      Human beings are social animals. There is no doubt about that. We are wired to interact with other people from birth until the “dirt nap”. In every stage of Erikson’s development theory and Bolbey’s attachment theory,² human relationships play a vital role in forming our identities.

      You do not need to be a psychologist to recognize the importance of an infant bonding with his mother. Witnessing a toddler’s separation anxiety as she begins daycare is further evidence of the significance of the mother/child relationship. We think it tragic and abusive or at the very least negligent if a child only receives his physical needs met, and does not receive love and affection.

      We also perceive the person who lives their life as a hermit or a loner to be odd or emotionally unstable.

      The truth is though some people identified as loners may be building bombs in their basements, others are perfectly happy and emotionally healthy.

      So, loneliness is not just about being alone. Loneliness is about individual perception. If you, as an individual, are experiencing a void between your social relationships and what you expect them to be, you are indeed experiencing loneliness.³

      That being said, it should be apparent we can be lonely in one aspect of our lives while perfectly fulfilled in another. There is social loneliness, involving social interaction with friends and acquaintances, and there is emotional loneliness, perhaps a more serious form of loneliness in which you feel the absence of a close friend, confidant or romantic partner.⁴

      We do have the ability to control our level of loneliness. I recently worked a job with significantly younger co-workers. If my perception had been that these people had nothing to teach me and little in common with me, my days may have been filled with unbearable loneliness. Instead, I chose to adopt the role of “Work Mother” and became a sounding board and counsel for many of my younger colleagues. I found, of course, they too had plenty to teach me, not only in the way of technology, but also in the views and attitudes of a younger generation.

      The point being, at the time it was not practical for me to change my situation, so instead I needed to adapt my perception and attitude to fit my reality, perhaps a key to overall happiness.

      What is Your Level of Loneliness?

      If you are reading this book, more than likely you are experiencing some level of loneliness, at least in the romance department. Wanting to fill a void in your life is perfectly normal and healthy. Loneliness, however, can be an element of serious depression. If you are lonely to the point of over- or under-eating, or it is affecting your ability to sleep or concentrate, it may be time to see a doctor. It could be an emotional issue that could