Dealing with Difficult People. David Brown
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person” or “I sense you don’t like this”.
The problem is that if you prefer one of these three, and the person in front of you prefers others, then you will have discord and a potentially difficult person. The answer is (a) for you to use a balanced blend of these styles, and (b) to match your style to those around you, where possible. So, if someone is regularly using kinesthetic/feeling words, use such words yourself.
Look what’s behind the behaviour before you decide how to respond
bully two of his staff with sustained and systematic ridicule. We explained the impact that he was having, and we faced the problem head on by warning the bully of the consequences of his actions. We did things by the book, but only by digging deeper did we discover that he was an alcoholic. We enlisted specialist help, and the problem was controlled.
Very few people are difficult. They only seem so when they interact with other people, including you! Through the Secrets in this chapter, you will be introduced to the concept of emotional intelligence, you will gain a better understanding of yourself and you’ll be asked to consider how you appear to others. This will give you the best possible chance of working successfully with those around you—even with the people who seem truly difficult.
2.1 Develop your emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EI) is the capacity to recognize our own feelings and those of others, and to manage our own emotions and the emotions of others with whom we have relationships. We are born with EI, but it can be developed further.
There are five core emotions – fear, anger, sadness, joy and disgust. Emotions are usually at the root of difficult behaviour, and you are likely to meet them with an emotional reaction yourself. If you are emotionally intelligent, though, you will manage your own emotions and take into account other people’s needs and concerns.
case study The MD of a fork-lift truck distributor had a management team of five. He was autocratic, aggressive and obstinate, yet also direct, organized and financially astute. Sadly, he never learned from his experiences because he had a fixed view of his own capability and how his team should be handled. He always behaved the same way and he always got the
Here are five key points to help develop your emotional intelligence:
• Be self aware. Know your values, ambitions, preferences, intuitions and confidence levels. Know how you will respond to pressure.
• Regulate yourself. Manage your disruptive emotions, maintain your standards of integrity, be flexible in handling change, take responsibility for your performance and be comfortable with new ideas.
• Manage your motivation. Align yourself with the goals of your team and organization; overcome obstacles to your goals.
• Display empathy. Be sensitive to other people’s feelings. Recognize the need for diverse talents. Be aware of the emotional tide within a group, and understand where the power lies. Know how others perceive you.
• Have social skills. Use the right tactics to persuade; agree collective goals; listen before you lead. Inspire others with your judgement, communication, collaboration and management of change. Provide feedback to suit the situation.
This is a taste of EI, and a formidable list of competencies. Why is this important to you as you deal with difficult people? Quite simply, if emotions such as anxiety and anger are not addressed in your quest for performance, you and those around you will not perform well.
How well do you manage your own emotions and the emotions of others?
same results – including a frustrated team that could not stand up to him. He nagged them rather than coached them. He didn’t develop, his frustrated people didn’t grow and the business had to be rescued. If he had developed his emotional intelligence and adapted his behaviour to suit each situation, he would have discovered that ‘soft’ skills deliver ‘hard’ results.
2.2 Understand your own reactions
You are an important part of any situation involving difficult people, so you need to understand yourself and your reaction to difficult situations. Armed with self-knowledge, you can avoid the mistake of putting people in pigeon holes and, instead, treat each situation individually.
Let’s explore why you react as you do. What might cause you to lose control of your emotions? It might happen when:
• You feel that your fundamental beliefs or values are threatened.
• You sense you are being treated unfairly.
• Someone lets you or your team down.
• You are overloaded.
• Your intentions are misunderstood or misinterpreted.
• You make an embarrassing mistake.
• Others lose their temper.
• You are cornered, with no choice or options.
• Your ambitions or goals are threatened.
• You are irritated by a personal emotional trigger.
“Emotional strength comes from self discovery and self mastery”
Bossidy and Charan, authors of Execution
The secret is to develop your skill at handling yourself before you engage with others, as it’s important to respond in a calm way rather than adding to the emotional cocktail of a difficult situation. If you don’t, you are likely to be the ‘difficult one’.
• Know yourself. Be aware of how you react and what causes you to lose control of your emotions. Are you confused, embarrassed, frightened, disgusted, angry or sad? You need to ask yourself about what you feel and why you feel as you do before you can handle difficult people.
• Listen to others. Listening to others and acknowledging how they feel will defuse the emotions that make life difficult, and give you time to understand yourself and them. Accept that listening takes time.
• Stay calm. Develop relaxation techniques. Take a few deep breaths.
• React to what’s around you. You need to take note of the system in which you operate. Allow for company procedures, the law and the interests of others in the company. This requires objectivity, detachment and structure.
• Respond to the person. It is important to attend to the needs and feelings of others. This requires that you understand the truth as perceived by them. We’ll look at this more thoroughly in Chapter 3.
Know yourself if you are to work successfully with others.
2.3 Check your confidence levels
‘Confidence’ comes from the Latin confidere, which means to trust. If you are to handle difficult people, they need to trust you, which means that you have to trust yourself. You need to trust your motives, your decision making and your people skills.
Confidence goes hand in hand with assertiveness, which is distinct from aggression or over-confidence