The Delegates’ Choice. Ian Sansom
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you what, son,’ said Ted, pausing dramatically. Big pause. ‘Seeing as you’ve asked.’ Another pause. ‘You’re on.’
‘No. Really? Honestly?’
‘Yes,’ said Ted.
‘Really?’ said Israel.
‘I said yes.’
‘Great!’ said Israel. ‘How much? A couple of pounds?’
‘Couple of pounds!’ said Ted, bellowing with laughter. ‘Couple of pounds! Ach, ye’re a quare geg. No, no, no. No. If I’m going all the way over to the mainland I want to get my money’s worth out of you. We’ll do it properly. I’ll get JP to open up a book on it.’
‘JP?’
‘The bookie on Main Street. He’ll see us right.’
‘Erm.’
‘Yer bet’s definitely on now; ye’re not going to back out?’
‘No. Definitely. Absolutely,’ said Israel. ‘Game on.’
‘You don’t want to change yer mind?’
‘Nope.’
‘Ye know ye don’t back out of a bet, now?’
‘Quite.’
Ted reached a hand across. ‘Five hundred pounds,’ said Ted.
‘Five hundred pounds!’ said Israel.
‘You’re right,’ said Ted. ‘Five hundred’s not enough. One thousand says we win the…What did you call it?’
‘Concours D’Elégance. But I haven’t got one thousand pounds, Ted. The van’s not worth a thousand pounds.’
‘I thought you wanted a bet?’
‘I do, but—’
‘Aye, right, that’s typical, so it is. You’re trying to wriggle out of it now.’
‘No, I am not trying to wriggle out of it.’
‘Ach, you are, so you are. Ye’re not prepared to put your money where your mouth is. Typical Englishman.’
‘I am not trying to wriggle out of it, Ted.’
‘Well, then, are youse in, or are youse out?’
‘All right,’ said Israel, trying to suppress a grin. ‘One thousand pounds says you won’t win the Concours D’Elégance at this year’s Mobile Meet.’ He knew his money was safe.
The rest of the journey continued in silence, with Israel elated and exhausted from his negotiations and Ted already planning the few little tweaks and alterations he needed to get the van into top condition. Eventually, Ted pulled up outside the Devines’ farm, where Israel was a lodger, and Israel clambered down wearily from the van.
‘Hey!’ called Ted, as Israel was about to shut the door. ‘Did ye not forget something?’
‘No,’ said Israel, patting his pockets, patting the seat. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘I think you did,’ said Ted.
‘What? “Thank you” for the lift?’
‘No,’ said Ted.
‘What? The bet?’
‘No. The bet’s on—we’ve shaken.’
‘Yes,’ said Israel. ‘And I am a man of my word.’
‘Aye. Exactly. And you remember what you were going to do today, Man of Your Word?’
‘Erm. No. I don’t remember. Should I?’
‘You were going to tell her?’
‘Tell who?’
‘Linda. That you were resigning.’
‘Ah, yes. Well…things have changed since this afternoon.’
‘Have they now?’
‘Yes. I feel I have a…responsibility to the readers of Tumdrum and District to…’
‘And it’s not because you’re getting a free holiday to England?’
‘No! Of course not!’
‘You shouldn’t ever try to kid a kidder,’ said Ted.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I know your game.’
‘I don’t…I’m not playing a game, Ted.’
‘Aye.’
‘No. I just feel very strongly that my responsibility is to books, and to…encouraging the people of the north coast of Northern Ireland to…indulge their learned curiosity and to give them unlimited assistance…by helping to choose a new mobile library van.’
‘Aye, tell the truth and shame the devil, why don’t ye?’
‘What?’
‘I don’t care what you think your responsibility is,’ said Ted. ‘My first responsibility is to the van. One thousand pounds, remember.’
‘Fine.’
‘Pay for some refurbishments, wouldn’t it? You’d better start saving, boy!’
‘No, Ted, I don’t need to start saving, because alas very soon we shall be in sunny England choosing a brand spanking new top-of-the-range mobile library and we will no longer have need of this…’ And with that, Israel walked away and slammed the door. ‘…piece of junk,’ he muttered under his breath.
Oh, yes!
Ted had been reeled in hook, line and sinker!
Israel Armstrong was going home!
He was packing! Israel Armstrong was packing up and getting ready to go. He had his case out from under the bed, and his little portable radio turned up loud, and he was listening to BBC Radio Ulster, the local station; he’d gone over some time ago, had switched from Radio 4, had made the move away from the national and the international, from big news stories about Bush and Blair and the plight of the Middle East and worldwide pandemics and whither the UN Security Council, to local news stories about men beating each other with baseball bats in local bars and pubs, and road closures due to mains-laying down in Cullybackey, and good news about the meat-processing plant in Ballymena taking on ten new workers due to expanding European markets and increased orders from Poland for pork. He knew it was a bad sign, but he couldn’t help himself; he had grown accustomed to the rhythms and the pitch of local radio, to the shouty-voiced shock-jock first thing in the morning, and the faded country music star at lunchtime who played only Irish country and read out requests for the foot-tappin’ welders in Lurgan and all the lovely nurses on the cancer wards down there at the Royal Victoria Hospital, and the mid-morning bloke from Derry who specialised in trading daring double-entendres with his adoring female callers.
Somehow—and how he wished it were not so—Israel could now recognise a tune by Daniel O’Donnell from far distant, and the supersweet sound of Philomena Begley and her band, and he also knew the time the Ulster Bank closed on a Wednesday (three thirty, for staff training), and the times of the high tides (varied according to season), and the best grocer to go to for your soup vegetables (Hector’s) and which one for eggs (Conways). This was not what was supposed to happen. Israel had imagined himself, heading into his late twenties, being able to recommend fine restaurants in Manhattan to his friends, many of whom probably worked for the New Yorker magazine, or who were up-and-coming artists with a gallery representing them, and he could have told you what time to go to MOMA and what was happening at the