Death Bringer. Derek Landy
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“She’s been grumpy all day,” Valkyrie lied, pleased with how things had turned out. Beryl made a noise in her throat, obviously unimpressed with her brand-new niece. Valkyrie jerked her head back slightly. “Mum and Dad are over there,” she said. “They’ve been wanting to talk to you. Mum said earlier what a lovely dress you’re wearing.”
Beryl’s eyebrows wriggled like two tiny tapeworms. “This?” she said. “But I’ve had this for years.”
It was a beige dress that would have looked better on an eighty-year-old. Any eighty-year-old, man or woman.
“I think you’ve really grown into it,” Valkyrie said.
“I always thought it was a little shapeless.”
Valkyrie resisted the urge to say that was what she meant.
Beryl broke off the conversation as she usually did, without any warning whatsoever and with her husband trailing after her. Hilariously, Fergus nodded to the baby as he passed, as if Alice was going to nod back, but he reserved a look akin to a glare for Valkyrie. She hadn’t a clue what that was about.
She watched Carol and Crystal walk towards her, and prepared herself for the onslaught to come. In the past, she would have been expecting poorly thought-out taunts and flatly executed jibes from her cousins at a time like this. These days, unfortunately, it was a whole lot worse.
“Hi Valkyrie,” Carol whispered.
Crystal jabbed Carol with an elbow. “Don’t call her that!”
Carol glared. “I whispered it. No one else could hear.”
“You still shouldn’t call her that! Call her Stephanie!”
A few more precious moments of life were sucked away from Valkyrie’s grasp, never to be seen again.
“Fine,” Carol said, not looking pleased. “Hello, Stephanie. How are you?”
“I’m doing good,” Valkyrie replied, talking quickly in an effort to hijack the conversation and steer it towards calm and unexceptional waters. “How are you guys? How’s college? Looking forward to the summer holidays? Crystal, I love your shoes. Your feet fit really well into them. Doesn’t Alice look adorable?”
She turned slightly so that they could see the baby. They both murmured something about cuteness, and then it was as if Alice didn’t even exist.
“We were thinking,” Carol said, and both twins stepped closer so they wouldn’t be overheard. “You know the way you said we were too short to learn magic? Well, we’re not sure that we are. You started to learn magic when you were shorter than we are now, didn’t you? And also, elves.”
Valkyrie blinked. “I’m sorry?”
“Elves,” said Crystal. “You know, with the pointy ears? They’re pretty small, aren’t they? I know in some movies they’re regular-sized, but mostly elves are small, and they can do magic.”
“Uh, elves aren’t real,” Valkyrie said.
Carol sighed at her sister. “Told you.”
Crystal glared back, then looked again at Valkyrie. “Why aren’t they real?”
“I’m not sure I can, uh, answer that.”
Crystal looked confused. “What about goblins?”
“Oh,” Valkyrie said. “Yeah, OK, goblins exist. Right, listen, it’s not a height thing, it’s a danger thing. The fact is it isn’t safe. I’ve been beaten up more times than I can count. I’ve had bones broken and teeth broken and five months ago I was technically dead for half a day. I even had an autopsy done on me.”
“What was that like?”
“Unsurprisingly unsettling.”
Carol’s eyes gleamed. “But you get to do magic, and save the world, and hang around with cool people.”
“And have friends,” Crystal added.
“And what do we get to do? We get to go to college and do exams and get spots and we don’t get to have boyfriends.”
Valkyrie attempted a smile. “I get spots too, you know. Everyone does. And you’ve both had plenty of boyfriends.”
Crystal shook her head. “Not like Fletcher. He’s nice.”
“And I wouldn’t call them boyfriends, either,” mumbled Carol. “Stephanie, we just want what you have. We want to have fun and we want to have powers and do exciting things. We’ve been talking, and we’ve decided that we want you to teach us magic.”
“I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“And we really do.”
“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I just don’t have the time. Tanith is still out there, and she’s got a Remnant inside her, and she’s with Billy-Ray Sanguine and she knows much too much about my life and my family. I need to find her and get her some help, and I’ve also got to stop the end of the world and … It’s just not safe to start showing you things.”
“Just a few tricks,” Crystal pressed.
“They’re not called tricks,” said Valkyrie.
“Illusions, then.”
“They’re not illusions.”
“Spells?”
Valkyrie hesitated. “OK, you can call them tricks.”
“Just show us a few small ones,” said Carol, “like flying.”
“Flying is not one of the small ones.”
“Can you fly yet?”
“No, I can’t. Skulduggery’s the only one who can.”
“Maybe he’ll teach us.”
Valkyrie couldn’t help it, she had to smile. “I doubt that very much.”
The twins suddenly started fixing their hair, and Valkyrie knew that Fletcher had arrived.
“Hello, ladies,” he said to them while his left arm wrapped round Valkyrie’s waist.
“Hi, Fletcher,” the twins said in unison.
“Having a good christening?” he asked. “I’ve never been to one and I have to admit, it seems kind of … well, boring. But in a nice way.”
“I found it really boring too,” Carol said before Crystal had a chance. “And I didn’t understand most of what the priest was saying.”
“I wasn’t even listening,” Crystal said. “It was something about babies, I think. I really like your hair today. You have it sticking up really nicely.”
“Don’t encourage him,” Valkyrie groaned. Fletcher laughed, and gave her a quick kiss.
“Unfortunately,” he said, “we have to go for just a moment.”
“We do?” Valkyrie asked. He nodded to her, all serious. “Ah,” she said. “OK. Yeah. Guys, we have to go.”
Carol’s eyes widened. “Is there trouble? Are we in danger?”
“Is the world ending?” Crystal asked. The twins looked up at the church ceiling, like they were expecting to see it crack and fall in on top of them.
“Don’t worry about it,” Valkyrie said with a chuckle. She headed over to her parents, Fletcher beside her. “They don’t have to worry about it, do they?”
He shrugged. “I’m sure they’ll be OK for another few days.”
“Did you find Bernadette Maguire’s house?”
“Skulduggery’s